Thoughts in my head this morning:

• What is the actual probability that my head could explode from sinus pressure? If its anywhere near possible, we're in trouble...
• Really? Another project? Why are there so many at once?
• How long can I drive with the "Low Fuel" light on without having to fill up and is it really worth it to try to find out?
• I wish kissing and telling was more appropriate...
• Does he wish kissing and telling was more appropriate or is he wishing he could forget about it?
• Look!! Something Shiny!!!
• I totally have ADHD...
• That woman should really do something about that cough.
• I have A LOT of work to do and really can't focus on a lick of it.
• Who says "lick" in that context?
• He can't possibly be wishing it didn't happen...
• I just want to see him again - I think I'd feel better if I could just see him again.
• Wow - I'm such a girl.
• I think I'm hungry.
• Oh look - an email.
• I have got to talk to the doctor about this ADHD issue...
• Regardless of the feeling that there is a lot that is unknown, I'm really, really happy for the first time in a long while.

How do you know if what you want is what you should want?

There are times in this life where I feel absolutely and wholly fulfilled. I sit in the home that I own, after a day at a job that I love, and am in awe of the things that I've accomplished in these 27 years. I know that there are many things that I have yet to experience, but am confident that the day will come in which I'll experience those things; all in good time.

I feel good with the life that I lead; surrounded by dozens of people who love me and like to be around me; immersed in a handful of true friends who feed my soul the fodder it needs to feel loved, cherished, wanted. These are the people who get me; who really understand that I am a lovely, witty person, deserving of all of the love that they give me. I know that they are the people I want to be around and that those who may not be with me yet will be - when the time is right.

There are days when I am content in my quietly busy life, fluttering about for days on end with these people, feeling as though I haven't had a moment to myself in months, knowing that I wouldn't have it any other way.

And then there are days when I'm absolutely no where.

All I can see is the life I want with all that I am but have no idea how to get. I see nothing but people who were granted their wishes; people who are living the dream that I have been denied. All I can think to do is retreat to my couch in the home I share with only my cat.

Its true, the people I love, who I know love me, are still with me daily, in one way or another. I am not alone. Yet the feeling of loneliness overtakes me. It suffocates and pulls me under. It is nearly impossible to see back to the better days, and looking forward is beyond reason - there can't possibly be anything more for me than the desolation I feel at that moment.

I know my feelings are irrational; I've been here before and I've come out on the top. But I can't help but wonder: How many more times do I have to pull myself up? When will it be my turn to live out the desires of my heart?

And then someone - one of those brilliant, truly amazing people who I adore - says exactly what I need to hear. Every time. Without fail. They help me to remember that the things I feel are true, and real, but that letting my feelings overtake me will do nothing to change the reality. They assure me that there is no wasted time and that the wanting can, truly, be the best part. And though there continues to be a hole somewhere inside me that has yet to be filled, I realize that I am not doomed to live these days over and over; that life goes on.

Sometimes life hurts more than I think I can bear, but sometimes its more fun than one girl should be allowed to have. And that is what I know I should want.

I feel as though I'm losing my mind...

I have been ridiculously busy and it's turning my grey matter into mush. I am the scatter brained ditz who forgets things like her mother's birthday and can't remember that she already has plans and schedules two things at once. My house is a mess, my car is a mess, my desk is a mess... and it all seems to mirror how I feel.

All of the sudden, I'm the girl who drops her phone and her wallet in the water while getting a pedicure and loses her diver's license and debit card the next day.
While searching everywhere for said lost items, I had this overwhelming realization that I can't do everything for everyone. Amazing realization, right? But the thing is, it's not like I felt like I was doing everything for everyone. I was perfectly OK with my life; I was living life, going along thinking I was just doing my best at my job. I knew it was hard - harder than I thought - but they told me it would be hard. I signed on for this. Right?

The last few weeks have been full of... self-thought. (I know, not technically a real term...) It's not as if I've been full of "A Ha!" moments; it's more like I've come to the realization that the things I know in the back of my head have come to the forefront. Things that people have been telling me, and I believed but couldn't necessarily grab onto and live, have been brought to the forefront.

I can't, no matter how hard I try, change the attitudes of those around me. I can tell them over and over that their attitudes define their world. I can boost them up and cheer them on until my face turns blue. But, until they want to believe it for themselves, until they do what they can to make themselves happy, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make them happy.

I am not, nor do I have to strive to be, the All Knowing Problem Solver. Sometimes, people just have to solve problems on their own, and me telling them that does not make me mean, or bad, or unlikeable.

Contrary to what I've thought mattered for over 20 years of my life, not everyone needs to like me. There's no way they will ever all like me, and - THAT'S OK! It is perfectly acceptable for me to stop trying so damn hard. Because, you know what? I don't like some people either! And trying to ignore those feelings and push over them, while wearing rose colored glasses, is a waste of the energy that I could be using for the things and people that really do matter.

Walking away from something that I am content with in order to pursue other opportunities does not mean that I am selfish. Instead, I should look at what I've accomplished and feel good about those accomplishments. I should be able to run towards new adventures without running from my past.

Change can be a good thing! Even if its a huge, career-changing, change! Having fun each and every day, loving the people I spend time with, knowing that I am doing something that is "good" is what matters.

************

Its times like these when we realize that we get excited because we are overwhelmed with emotion, not just because we're happy. We are reminded that excitement involves feelings of anxiety and agitation, that the reality is that we're worked up because we're about to face the unknown.

But, underneath it all is the obvious joy and elation, the feeling of happiness and cheer. The knowledge that the adventure of the unknown is what brings the biggest thrill of all.

A Guest Post (of sorts) To Describe My Life In The Last Week

The following is an email I received from someone who I knew would tell me all the things I needed to hear in response to what I've been going through in the last couple of days. I'll spare the details, because her response is not only enough to fill in the blanks, but more eloquent and meaningful than anything I could have ever written myself. She is an amazing person/writer/counselor/friend/soul sister, and I was right in assuming that her thoughts and words would not disappoint.

I love you Kelly, and miss you SOOOO much! I'm coming to Texas SOON.

Well, when I got your text message and when i read on facebook about your impending vomit, i knew this must be "D"-related.

First, please let me remind you that your feelings are normal and totally acceptable! That is both the agony and bliss of feelings---they change from year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment. It may happen to some of us more, but the fact still remains. And this is ESPECIALLY true when dealing with matters of the heart such as these. With all that said, sometimes there is just no convincing your feelings (heart) of what your head knows to be true. I think sometimes we simply have to wait it out, and try to let what we know is right win out as much as possible. Basically that equals living with your feelings and waiting for them to pass. In my humble opinion.

With that said, and know that your anger at yourself is another one of those feelings, I want you to know that you are not dumb, or silly, or stupid, or whatever you think you are for "falling again" for D. Everyone deserves a second chance and you were gracious to give him that chance. Shame on HIM. You are not the fool, he is. Your willingness to "go back" to him and give him a chance is evidence of your faith in the good in people and the possibilities of life! People with faith and hope are often disappointed, yes, but they are also the ones who find the most joys in life and don't hole up scared of getting hurt and disappointed. I guess it comes with the territory.

I've been thinking about this, and i just can't help but believe that D has the classic male syndrome I-don't-want-to-be-lonely-itis. You, with about a million other women, fall into the hands of men with this syndrome and every one of those women comes out burned. Sometimes the men are complete jerks (or fill in the blank with your choice adjective), some are well-intentioned and kind who don't realize what they do. The syndrome takes on all sorts of forms but its all the same disease. These guys don't want to be lonely so they keep that one particular girl around who gives them companionship. They can talk to her, have fun with her, discuss the deep things of life with her, perhaps even have some level of physical intimacy with her. He can have all of these benefits without the commitment.

My thought is that D wants you in his life and, as is with the case with all these guys, is too ignorant or selfish to let go of you for the sake of your own good. Its so sad, but its so common. And I know because I lived that kind of relationship for a couple years, waiting and hoping.

With all that said, you gave D a second chance and he blew it. From this point on he will be the boy who cried wolf and your approach to him will have to be very different. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I'm upset at him for toying with your heart. Guys can be such freakin idiots. They don't know what they do when they touch us, tell us they love us or all of the above. They win our hearts and then don't claim them as their prize. Such fools (they are).

I don't even know what to say or think about him and this woman at work. I would want to vomit too. I'm even more appalled that he is basically acting like your boyfriend but is having another relationship on the side and not telling you. Inexcusable.

With all that said, you'll bounce back from this one quicker than last time and there are very good things in store for you. Just hang on to what you know is true and pay no attention to all the things you fear are true. When those thoughts come replace them with something true and good. And remember you are loved :) :) :) :) :) :)

When I flew home for Christmas it was a cloudy, rainy day in Dallas. I wondered if we would even get to leave. Our plane was delayed for an hour due to icy weather in Kansas City. But we took off. I looked out the window and could see nothing but dark gray clouds wrapped all around the plane. You couldn't see a thing. But we kept on rising and finally we got above the clouds and what was there but a bright yellow sun shining so bright my eyes were squinting. The cloud tops were fluffy and white below me and the sun lit up everything. I could not believe the drastic difference. And right then I was touched because God reminded me of this truth. The sun is always shining, you just cannot always see it because of the clouds. And its not just looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Life is hard and many bad things happen. But when life seems bleak, or your heart is dark and weary, there is always something good above the clouds. May be cheesy, but i find it awfully comforting.

Anyhow, this is long. I love you and I'm glad you wrote.
Sure do miss you...

So, here it is: 2008 in Blog Form

My year in review:

• As the year began I was in a pretty good place. I was feeling good about myself and rather content in my own skin. Life was good - I had wonderful friends and my relationship with my family was back to good. I was a bit annoyed by my boss, but my job pretty good - who doesn't get annoyed with their boss every once in a while?
• The weather in the first few months of the year was... odd, to say the least. We experienced record amounts of snow fall, followed by record low temperatures, followed shortly after (like, days) by record high temperatures, followed by more snow falling. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced, but just a hint of the record-breaking weather that was to come.
• I started to feel a bit of pressure again from my mom as the first couple of months of the year wore on. Pressure for what? I'm not sure. But it was all beginning to feel a bit irritating. Regardless of that, my sister and I took our mother to Chicago for a weekend birthday trip and to see "Wicked". It was, indeed, wicked, in all positive senses of the word.
• It was about this time that my personal life took a downward turn, on many fronts. In taking a stand for who I am and how I felt, I was crushed. I was the girl who couldn't eat for days because her heart hurt too much. I was the girl who simply made it through day by day on the necessity of making it through. I was depressed. It was a dark time in my life. Nothing seemed positive, and it was hard for me to see how it could ever get good again. I was broken hearted and my best friend was gone in one fell swoop; my job was boring me; I was unhappy. In all senses of the word.
• I was trying ridiculously hard to get over him. It was really difficult to do, but it was starting to work.
• I fell while I was mowing the lawn and broke my arm. I continue to be a ridiculous klutz.
• We had record amounts of rainfall in short periods of time, preceded by the melting of record amounts of snow. The Cedar River couldn't handle it. On Friday the Thirteenth of June, the river crested at just under 32 feet, 20 feet above flood stage. 10 square miles of the city were covered in water. In some places it was as much as 16 feet deep.
• The week of the flood, my office turned into Flood Central - Literally. The United Way 211 Call Center is run out of our office, and we were the only people giving information for a long time. For the first couple of days, we didn't have any information to give, so we became the place where people called to complain, cry, grieve, and whatever else they needed to do. I worked 90 hours that week. The senior management asked me to step up and help where needed, and I was more than happy to do what I could. We were open 24 hours that first week, and we were asked to take 12 hour shifts. It was in the middle of the night, when we were all more than exhausted and every stupid story was the most hilarious thing we had ever heard; it was in those hours of bonding because we needed to in order to remain sane, that I formed some of the strongest connections with people I would have never imagined I would be friends with. In the midst of the chaos and destruction, in the middle of the devastation, I had one of the best times of my life.
• After the flood, I knew I needed a change in my life. The past few months were, for the most part, miserable, and I needed something. Big. Someone mentioned the fact that, because of the flood, mobile homes were selling very well, and I decided to buy a house. It all rolled along with ridiculous ease, and before I knew it, I was a homeowner.
• The same week, I was presented with an opportunity for a HUGE challenge. Those amazing people who had become my friends in the middle of the night had seen in me something they liked, and wanted me to take on a different job. Because I am a gluten for punishment, I took the challenge. I moved and started a new job, in which I am the supervisor of 26 women and, ultimately, 96 children, in the same week. Change needed? Change, indeed.
• Amongst all of this, I also went on my first real date! It was dinner and a movie followed by dinner and take-out with a nice guy who I thought I was really excited about, but it turns out I was really excited about the idea of him, and not so much him. This discovery was more than a bit uncomfortable, mostly because it was followed but the most uncomfortable face licking kiss ever. But, hell! It was an experience, that's for sure!
• The youngest of my 3 brothers had 3 strokes in September. It seems to have been a random attack on his body, not predictable by anyone. He was completely paralyzed on his left side, so much so that he couldn't see out of his left eye. Little by little, with lots of work and determination, he began to regain the strength on that side of his body, beginning with his sight. He is now out of the hospital after nearly 2 entire months, walking with only the aid of a cane. He has regained some strength in his arm, and is beginning to get the movement back in his hand. He has an amazing girlfriend who we are all so grateful for. I can't imagine him having to go through this without someone by his side cheering for him like she does.
• My new job occupied my entire life for a couple of months. And I'm not saying that's necessarily bad. Because I was loving my new job. It was just ridiculously overwhelming, and not much else happened in my life, including the unpacking of boxes and decorating of the new house, much to the chagrin of my mother...
• At precisely the moment in which I was honestly able to say that I wasn't thinking of him each and every time I received a text message, he was back into my life. I fought it for a while. I didn't know how I felt about even trying to be friends. But shortly before Thanksgiving, I stopped fighting...
• Thanksgiving was held at my house. My first "real" house, and my first turkey. I was excited! But it was hell. My mother was disappointed in so much that day, and it was hell. But my sister and I were able to band together and hold onto sanity for the sake of one another. But it was bad none the less. I started worrying about my mom's state of being. Many things are going through my head as to the reasons for her words and actions, and it saddens me. But it's also really friggin annoying.
• I ended the year in a pretty good place. As overwhelming and difficult as my new job continues to be, I continue to enjoy it. It is good to feel needed and respected, but it is a lot harder than I thought it would be to be needed and respected. I've been spending a lot of time with him lately, in a way that is different from before, and I like it. It, too, is a bit challenging at times, but I figure - hell, that's life. I still have many boxes that are unpacked and have yet to hang things on the wall, but I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to have as much fun doing it as possible.

I trusted my gut, and it feels damn good.

I had had a few too many drinks and blurted out "are you ever going to kiss me?" Not long after that, he did.

He had had a few too many drinks and blurted out "I love you. You know that? I really love you."

After the effect of the drinks subsided, we talked about what we remembered from the evening. Did he remember that he kissed me? "Of course I do." Did he remember that he professed his love for me? "I didn't say it wasn't true... It's just that the filter of knowing when things are appropriate to say was gone. You know?"

I knew.

************

He calls me every night. And just when I think "I guess he's not calling tonight," my phone rings and my heart jumps and the biggest smile fills my face.

He kisses me. Not the passionate kisses that I sometimes wish for, but they're definitely not meaningless. I feel like he knows about my past experiences (or, really, lack of them) and wants to respect that.

He holds my hand and rubs little circles with his thumb while he does. And just that contact - that little, seemingly meaningless action - is enough to make the butterflies in my stomach flutter uncontrollably.

He pulls me closer to him when we're not close enough to touch. He seems to be as hungry for the physical contact as I am.

************

I still have questions for him. Why now when not before? Do you feel differently or are you just giving in?

But I don't want to ask them. Not now, when I'm just taking time to enjoy these amazing things. Not now, when all I want to feel is happy.

To Let Go or To Believe?

I'm afraid I'm dragging myself back into something that I should just stay away from. But there seem to have been signs that I just can't ignore.

Even though the screaming of the signs is only slightly louder than the screaming of the past, I've indulged myself and don't know if I care that I'm ignoring all I went through those short months ago. All I want to see - all I want to feel - are the possibilities.

And I don't know what the possibilities are. Perhaps all that lies ahead is continued disappointment and heartache. But perhaps not. Perhaps there is opportunity for forgiveness and friendship; for a new start.

I want to be able to go into this with zero expectation or to be able to say that I won't go into it at all.

It seems as if it may be too late.