How is it that you can get to a point where you feel that you know someone so well, and are so ridiculously confused by them, all at the same time?
Why, when I start to feel the apprehensions and uneasiness slip away, does it reverse directions, as if on a dime?
Is there ever a point in a person's life when they stop wondering if they've done or said the right thing and just realize that no amount of wondering can change what is?
How are we able to let people affect us in such a severe way that thinking of how we affect them keeps us from sleep?
Why do knee-jerk responses of less-than-truths come out when they do, especially when we know that the full-truth was a better answer to begin with?
How is it that we can not remember some of the things that we know we lived and would give our first-born to recall, but the things we'd like to forget never cease to stay at the forefront of our minds?
Is there a point where you've just said too much and would like to rewind it, but, like a cassette with the tape pulled too far off the reel, it can never go back without at least a wrinkle?
When emotions overtake the mind, should we be thankful that we have been given the opportunity to be passionate, or beg for an unfeeling silence to quiet our thoughts?
Why do questions with no true answers plague us in times when all we need to be calmed is a tiny piece of the infallible?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
You can't live with 'em and you just can't shoot 'em...
I seriously don't understand the way the male brain works. I have had very few close relationships with males other than my dad and, because of that, I never understood the generalities that I heard so many females make about men: that they don't have the same sensitivities as women; that they don't talk or even think like women do; that they are so totally different from women. I thought these women were being cliche. The whole "Men are from Mars..." thing couldn't really be that accurate. At least not all of them...
Dear God, was I wrong.
Seriously - I can not figure them out. I do know that they don't think like us. They don't analyze and over analyze every move. They can't, otherwise they would censor half of the things they do and say!
It seems like, just when I think I've made some minuscule victory in cracking the code, they stop reacting in the way they've reacted every other time; they stop emailing or talking or asking questions or showing interest; they stop flirting.
Oh - and the flirting... Really? Do they think that emailing and talking and asking questions and showing interest isn't flirting? Because... I think it is. And when I (pretend to) think it isn't flirting - that he's just a nice guy being friendly - everyone around me says "don't you realize he's flirting?" GAH!!!! Infuriating!
AND THEN!!!! And then... there's the thing that I don't know that I'll ever understand; the thing that never ceases to catch me off guard; the thing that drives me to drink! What is with the "playing hard to get"??? Why in the world is it that, when you (the female) reciprocate the attention and the flirting, when your interest has just peaked, they totally back down? They stop initiating the contact, and stop responding to your attempts to initiate anything. They might just as well have stood in front of you, looked you up and down, shrugged their shoulders, and said, "Eh..." It doesn't seem to matter what moves you pull, because they won't give you the time of day until nearly the exact moment that you yourself have said, "Eh... whatev - I'm fine." Or, more likely, "whyyyy doesn't he liiiiiikkkeee meeeee???" That's when they turn on the charm, full steam ahead! They make you giggle and feel good about yourself. Your tummy does the little flippy thing and you totally forget them shrugging their shoulders...
Stupid boys.
But really, what's most frustrating to me is that, as confusing as they are, as stupid as they seem, as many games as they play, we still want them. We let them play hard to get because all it takes is a smile or a kiss or a touch and we melt. We eat it up and we give in. Every flippin time. Because we know we'd rather play the game with them than not have them at all.
Stupid girls...
Dear God, was I wrong.
Seriously - I can not figure them out. I do know that they don't think like us. They don't analyze and over analyze every move. They can't, otherwise they would censor half of the things they do and say!
It seems like, just when I think I've made some minuscule victory in cracking the code, they stop reacting in the way they've reacted every other time; they stop emailing or talking or asking questions or showing interest; they stop flirting.
Oh - and the flirting... Really? Do they think that emailing and talking and asking questions and showing interest isn't flirting? Because... I think it is. And when I (pretend to) think it isn't flirting - that he's just a nice guy being friendly - everyone around me says "don't you realize he's flirting?" GAH!!!! Infuriating!
AND THEN!!!! And then... there's the thing that I don't know that I'll ever understand; the thing that never ceases to catch me off guard; the thing that drives me to drink! What is with the "playing hard to get"??? Why in the world is it that, when you (the female) reciprocate the attention and the flirting, when your interest has just peaked, they totally back down? They stop initiating the contact, and stop responding to your attempts to initiate anything. They might just as well have stood in front of you, looked you up and down, shrugged their shoulders, and said, "Eh..." It doesn't seem to matter what moves you pull, because they won't give you the time of day until nearly the exact moment that you yourself have said, "Eh... whatev - I'm fine." Or, more likely, "whyyyy doesn't he liiiiiikkkeee meeeee???" That's when they turn on the charm, full steam ahead! They make you giggle and feel good about yourself. Your tummy does the little flippy thing and you totally forget them shrugging their shoulders...
Stupid boys.
But really, what's most frustrating to me is that, as confusing as they are, as stupid as they seem, as many games as they play, we still want them. We let them play hard to get because all it takes is a smile or a kiss or a touch and we melt. We eat it up and we give in. Every flippin time. Because we know we'd rather play the game with them than not have them at all.
Stupid girls...
Monday, January 11, 2010
My New Year's Day Post - On January 11
So - Here it is. The end of another year, the beginning of a new one. I don't know what it is about these days, but I've been extremely... pensive.
It may be the fact that I can hardly blink without hearing a different "Year in Review" which has got me attempting to review the events of my year. I began thinking about it this morning as I was drying my hair, and realized that I couldn't really put my finger on how I spent the first, oh, four months of 2009. Eventually I remembered where I was in my life at this time last year (yuck...) which led me to remember where I was in my job (blek...) which led me to think about when my job changed, which brought me to the end of April, when the yuck's and the blek's turned into more positive onomatopoetic sounds that I cant - no, won't - take the time to come up with right now...
Perhaps the pensiveness comes from the fact that I've taken some time in the last 24 hours to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. It had been a couple of months since I've afforded myself this timesuck, and I realized how greatly I had missed it. (I also realized that I missed writing, thus the post today after only 5 posts in a year... sad!) Most (if not all) of my favorite Internet-wordsmiths had recently posted something that got my wheels turning, in one way or another. Most specifically Kristin, who has declared that 2009 was the happiest year of her life. She spent many of the years leading up to this one with the belief that she would never meet the man she is now in fairytale-love with, right in the middle of her ordinary life; that she wouldn't ever be lucky enough to find someone who would expose thoughts and feelings and desires that she never knew she had, but now finds herself wondering why she deserves the fortune she's found. Though our situations are completely different, Kristin has put words to thoughts that I have on a regular basis.
In one of Kristin's recent posts, she asked her readers to introduce themselves to her in the comments; to tell her who we are, where we're from, and what it is that fuels us. It was in my attempt to tell Kristin about myself that the thoughts started whirling through my head and have yet to stop.
I was attempting to explain to Kristin that, though our lives are different in almost every way, I, too, find myself wrestling with the thought that I may likely never find THE one. I am 28 years old and living alone. Not to mention that I have never been in a serious relationship. If, at any point (including very recently), anyone would have ever told me this would be the case, I would have shuddered in near horror and insisted that there was no possible way that truth was being spoken. I spend a lot of time thinking about this; wondering, wishing, worrying when, if ever, will I find my soul mate? Its just not how I thought I would be spending my late 20's. But, as I told Kristin, reading her story gives me a bit more hope than I typically have for myself.
I continued explaining my life, as it stands now, and what fuels me. I explained how my current career is nothing like I ever imagined it to be. I lived my entire life KNOWING that I would be a kindergarten teacher. There was never a question for me as to a college major, nor was there ever thought that I would stray from that path. I was SURE, until my senior year in college (yeah - six months before graduation - such a long story...). And even then, though I thought I knew I wouldn't be a classroom teacher, I was still sure that I would be tied to the education and/or early childhood fields forever. It was what I knew and it was what I wanted. But, here I am, spending my days as the Communications Coordinator in the corporate environment of one of the largest non-profit agencies in the area. Nearly every day I say (out loud) that I love my job - and I do! It is nothing that I could have ever imagined spending my days doing and nothing that I ever sought out, but I could not be happier.
And then I think about the people who I choose to surround myself with each day; the people who deserve to be called something more significant than friends; the people who sometimes say the hard things because they care about me and know it's what I need to hear; the people who, by letting me be one hundred percent me, one hundred percent of the time, have helped me find a person inside of myself that I respect more than ever before. These people who I love and I know love me unlike any friends I've ever had are people that I would have never pictured myself spending time with. We have very little in common but were forced to get to know each other at two in the morning, in the midst of the hysteria that can only come on hour 19 of running "Command Central" during an 800-year flood. It was in these moments of exhaustion, where everything was funny and nothing was off base, that I began to see how interesting people with whom you have little in common can be. I wouldn't have been able to imagine the intense loyalty and familial bonds I would form with this group of people, but I can not imagine my life at this point without them.
It was at that moment that I seriously began analyzing my own thoughts. I am constantly expressing how I am "living a life I never thought I would be living" as if it is a negative thing; I am a single 28 year old and I would have thought I would have started my family by now - not living alone with my cat. And then it dawned on me that the things I was telling Kristin about - the things that get me through each day; the things that make me the happiest at this point in my life; the things that truly fuel me - are all things that I "never would have imagined".
So where does that leave me? You know, I've been writing this post for 10 days now, trying to figure that out, and I still don't know - as clear as some things have become, even bigger questions have been raised: If all of these things that are so amazing in my life are not at all what I imagined, who's to say that the things I did imagine will be any good for me? As hard as it is for me to put into words... Who's to say that the things that I've so deeply desired are the things that I'm meant to live? How do I know that what I've wanted for so long is what I'm supposed to want?
The real and true answer, as disappointing as it is, is that I don't know and, right now, there is no way to know. What I do know is that, in spite of all of the wishing, worrying, and wanting, my life will go in whatever direction it's supposed to go, and there's not a whole lot - well, nothing, really - I can do about that. What I do know is that it's time for me to stop trying so hard to make life fit my expectations, and let life just happen to me. It's time for me to embrace who I've become in all of this and stop wishing, worrying, and wanting something - someone - that I'm not.
In my head, I know all of these things to be true. My struggle now becomes convincing myself to feel it; making myself believe that, if I trust myself enough to stop asking the questions, I may find that I am living the answers.
It may be the fact that I can hardly blink without hearing a different "Year in Review" which has got me attempting to review the events of my year. I began thinking about it this morning as I was drying my hair, and realized that I couldn't really put my finger on how I spent the first, oh, four months of 2009. Eventually I remembered where I was in my life at this time last year (yuck...) which led me to remember where I was in my job (blek...) which led me to think about when my job changed, which brought me to the end of April, when the yuck's and the blek's turned into more positive onomatopoetic sounds that I cant - no, won't - take the time to come up with right now...
Perhaps the pensiveness comes from the fact that I've taken some time in the last 24 hours to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. It had been a couple of months since I've afforded myself this timesuck, and I realized how greatly I had missed it. (I also realized that I missed writing, thus the post today after only 5 posts in a year... sad!) Most (if not all) of my favorite Internet-wordsmiths had recently posted something that got my wheels turning, in one way or another. Most specifically Kristin, who has declared that 2009 was the happiest year of her life. She spent many of the years leading up to this one with the belief that she would never meet the man she is now in fairytale-love with, right in the middle of her ordinary life; that she wouldn't ever be lucky enough to find someone who would expose thoughts and feelings and desires that she never knew she had, but now finds herself wondering why she deserves the fortune she's found. Though our situations are completely different, Kristin has put words to thoughts that I have on a regular basis.
In one of Kristin's recent posts, she asked her readers to introduce themselves to her in the comments; to tell her who we are, where we're from, and what it is that fuels us. It was in my attempt to tell Kristin about myself that the thoughts started whirling through my head and have yet to stop.
I was attempting to explain to Kristin that, though our lives are different in almost every way, I, too, find myself wrestling with the thought that I may likely never find THE one. I am 28 years old and living alone. Not to mention that I have never been in a serious relationship. If, at any point (including very recently), anyone would have ever told me this would be the case, I would have shuddered in near horror and insisted that there was no possible way that truth was being spoken. I spend a lot of time thinking about this; wondering, wishing, worrying when, if ever, will I find my soul mate? Its just not how I thought I would be spending my late 20's. But, as I told Kristin, reading her story gives me a bit more hope than I typically have for myself.
I continued explaining my life, as it stands now, and what fuels me. I explained how my current career is nothing like I ever imagined it to be. I lived my entire life KNOWING that I would be a kindergarten teacher. There was never a question for me as to a college major, nor was there ever thought that I would stray from that path. I was SURE, until my senior year in college (yeah - six months before graduation - such a long story...). And even then, though I thought I knew I wouldn't be a classroom teacher, I was still sure that I would be tied to the education and/or early childhood fields forever. It was what I knew and it was what I wanted. But, here I am, spending my days as the Communications Coordinator in the corporate environment of one of the largest non-profit agencies in the area. Nearly every day I say (out loud) that I love my job - and I do! It is nothing that I could have ever imagined spending my days doing and nothing that I ever sought out, but I could not be happier.
And then I think about the people who I choose to surround myself with each day; the people who deserve to be called something more significant than friends; the people who sometimes say the hard things because they care about me and know it's what I need to hear; the people who, by letting me be one hundred percent me, one hundred percent of the time, have helped me find a person inside of myself that I respect more than ever before. These people who I love and I know love me unlike any friends I've ever had are people that I would have never pictured myself spending time with. We have very little in common but were forced to get to know each other at two in the morning, in the midst of the hysteria that can only come on hour 19 of running "Command Central" during an 800-year flood. It was in these moments of exhaustion, where everything was funny and nothing was off base, that I began to see how interesting people with whom you have little in common can be. I wouldn't have been able to imagine the intense loyalty and familial bonds I would form with this group of people, but I can not imagine my life at this point without them.
It was at that moment that I seriously began analyzing my own thoughts. I am constantly expressing how I am "living a life I never thought I would be living" as if it is a negative thing; I am a single 28 year old and I would have thought I would have started my family by now - not living alone with my cat. And then it dawned on me that the things I was telling Kristin about - the things that get me through each day; the things that make me the happiest at this point in my life; the things that truly fuel me - are all things that I "never would have imagined".
So where does that leave me? You know, I've been writing this post for 10 days now, trying to figure that out, and I still don't know - as clear as some things have become, even bigger questions have been raised: If all of these things that are so amazing in my life are not at all what I imagined, who's to say that the things I did imagine will be any good for me? As hard as it is for me to put into words... Who's to say that the things that I've so deeply desired are the things that I'm meant to live? How do I know that what I've wanted for so long is what I'm supposed to want?
The real and true answer, as disappointing as it is, is that I don't know and, right now, there is no way to know. What I do know is that, in spite of all of the wishing, worrying, and wanting, my life will go in whatever direction it's supposed to go, and there's not a whole lot - well, nothing, really - I can do about that. What I do know is that it's time for me to stop trying so hard to make life fit my expectations, and let life just happen to me. It's time for me to embrace who I've become in all of this and stop wishing, worrying, and wanting something - someone - that I'm not.
In my head, I know all of these things to be true. My struggle now becomes convincing myself to feel it; making myself believe that, if I trust myself enough to stop asking the questions, I may find that I am living the answers.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thoughts in my head this morning:
- What is the actual probability that my head could explode from sinus pressure? If its anywhere near possible, we're in trouble...
- Really? Another project? Why are there so many at once?
- How long can I drive with the "Low Fuel" light on without having to fill up and is it really worth it to try to find out?
- I wish kissing and telling was more appropriate...
- Does he wish kissing and telling was more appropriate or is he wishing he could forget about it?
- Look!! Something Shiny!!!
- I totally have ADHD...
- That woman should really do something about that cough.
- I have A LOT of work to do and really can't focus on a lick of it.
- Who says "lick" in that context?
- He can't possibly be wishing it didn't happen...
- I just want to see him again - I think I'd feel better if I could just see him again.
- Wow - I'm such a girl.
- I think I'm hungry.
- Oh look - an email.
- I have got to talk to the doctor about this ADHD issue...
- Regardless of the feeling that there is a lot that is unknown, I'm really, really happy for the first time in a long while.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
How do you know if what you want is what you should want?
There are times in this life where I feel absolutely and wholly fulfilled. I sit in the home that I own, after a day at a job that I love, and am in awe of the things that I've accomplished in these 27 years. I know that there are many things that I have yet to experience, but am confident that the day will come in which I'll experience those things; all in good time.
I feel good with the life that I lead; surrounded by dozens of people who love me and like to be around me; immersed in a handful of true friends who feed my soul the fodder it needs to feel loved, cherished, wanted. These are the people who get me; who really understand that I am a lovely, witty person, deserving of all of the love that they give me. I know that they are the people I want to be around and that those who may not be with me yet will be - when the time is right.
There are days when I am content in my quietly busy life, fluttering about for days on end with these people, feeling as though I haven't had a moment to myself in months, knowing that I wouldn't have it any other way.
And then there are days when I'm absolutely no where.
All I can see is the life I want with all that I am but have no idea how to get. I see nothing but people who were granted their wishes; people who are living the dream that I have been denied. All I can think to do is retreat to my couch in the home I share with only my cat.
Its true, the people I love, who I know love me, are still with me daily, in one way or another. I am not alone. Yet the feeling of loneliness overtakes me. It suffocates and pulls me under. It is nearly impossible to see back to the better days, and looking forward is beyond reason - there can't possibly be anything more for me than the desolation I feel at that moment.
I know my feelings are irrational; I've been here before and I've come out on the top. But I can't help but wonder: How many more times do I have to pull myself up? When will it be my turn to live out the desires of my heart?
And then someone - one of those brilliant, truly amazing people who I adore - says exactly what I need to hear. Every time. Without fail. They help me to remember that the things I feel are true, and real, but that letting my feelings overtake me will do nothing to change the reality. They assure me that there is no wasted time and that the wanting can, truly, be the best part. And though there continues to be a hole somewhere inside me that has yet to be filled, I realize that I am not doomed to live these days over and over; that life goes on.
Sometimes life hurts more than I think I can bear, but sometimes its more fun than one girl should be allowed to have. And that is what I know I should want.
I feel good with the life that I lead; surrounded by dozens of people who love me and like to be around me; immersed in a handful of true friends who feed my soul the fodder it needs to feel loved, cherished, wanted. These are the people who get me; who really understand that I am a lovely, witty person, deserving of all of the love that they give me. I know that they are the people I want to be around and that those who may not be with me yet will be - when the time is right.
There are days when I am content in my quietly busy life, fluttering about for days on end with these people, feeling as though I haven't had a moment to myself in months, knowing that I wouldn't have it any other way.
And then there are days when I'm absolutely no where.
All I can see is the life I want with all that I am but have no idea how to get. I see nothing but people who were granted their wishes; people who are living the dream that I have been denied. All I can think to do is retreat to my couch in the home I share with only my cat.
Its true, the people I love, who I know love me, are still with me daily, in one way or another. I am not alone. Yet the feeling of loneliness overtakes me. It suffocates and pulls me under. It is nearly impossible to see back to the better days, and looking forward is beyond reason - there can't possibly be anything more for me than the desolation I feel at that moment.
I know my feelings are irrational; I've been here before and I've come out on the top. But I can't help but wonder: How many more times do I have to pull myself up? When will it be my turn to live out the desires of my heart?
And then someone - one of those brilliant, truly amazing people who I adore - says exactly what I need to hear. Every time. Without fail. They help me to remember that the things I feel are true, and real, but that letting my feelings overtake me will do nothing to change the reality. They assure me that there is no wasted time and that the wanting can, truly, be the best part. And though there continues to be a hole somewhere inside me that has yet to be filled, I realize that I am not doomed to live these days over and over; that life goes on.
Sometimes life hurts more than I think I can bear, but sometimes its more fun than one girl should be allowed to have. And that is what I know I should want.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I feel as though I'm losing my mind...
I have been ridiculously busy and it's turning my grey matter into mush. I am the scatter brained ditz who forgets things like her mother's birthday and can't remember that she already has plans and schedules two things at once. My house is a mess, my car is a mess, my desk is a mess... and it all seems to mirror how I feel.
All of the sudden, I'm the girl who drops her phone and her wallet in the water while getting a pedicure and loses her diver's license and debit card the next day.
While searching everywhere for said lost items, I had this overwhelming realization that I can't do everything for everyone. Amazing realization, right? But the thing is, it's not like I felt like I was doing everything for everyone. I was perfectly OK with my life; I was living life, going along thinking I was just doing my best at my job. I knew it was hard - harder than I thought - but they told me it would be hard. I signed on for this. Right?
The last few weeks have been full of... self-thought. (I know, not technically a real term...) It's not as if I've been full of "A Ha!" moments; it's more like I've come to the realization that the things I know in the back of my head have come to the forefront. Things that people have been telling me, and I believed but couldn't necessarily grab onto and live, have been brought to the forefront.
I can't, no matter how hard I try, change the attitudes of those around me. I can tell them over and over that their attitudes define their world. I can boost them up and cheer them on until my face turns blue. But, until they want to believe it for themselves, until they do what they can to make themselves happy, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make them happy.
I am not, nor do I have to strive to be, the All Knowing Problem Solver. Sometimes, people just have to solve problems on their own, and me telling them that does not make me mean, or bad, or unlikeable.
Contrary to what I've thought mattered for over 20 years of my life, not everyone needs to like me. There's no way they will ever all like me, and - THAT'S OK! It is perfectly acceptable for me to stop trying so damn hard. Because, you know what? I don't like some people either! And trying to ignore those feelings and push over them, while wearing rose colored glasses, is a waste of the energy that I could be using for the things and people that really do matter.
Walking away from something that I am content with in order to pursue other opportunities does not mean that I am selfish. Instead, I should look at what I've accomplished and feel good about those accomplishments. I should be able to run towards new adventures without running from my past.
Change can be a good thing! Even if its a huge, career-changing, change! Having fun each and every day, loving the people I spend time with, knowing that I am doing something that is "good" is what matters.
************
Its times like these when we realize that we get excited because we are overwhelmed with emotion, not just because we're happy. We are reminded that excitement involves feelings of anxiety and agitation, that the reality is that we're worked up because we're about to face the unknown.
But, underneath it all is the obvious joy and elation, the feeling of happiness and cheer. The knowledge that the adventure of the unknown is what brings the biggest thrill of all.
All of the sudden, I'm the girl who drops her phone and her wallet in the water while getting a pedicure and loses her diver's license and debit card the next day.
While searching everywhere for said lost items, I had this overwhelming realization that I can't do everything for everyone. Amazing realization, right? But the thing is, it's not like I felt like I was doing everything for everyone. I was perfectly OK with my life; I was living life, going along thinking I was just doing my best at my job. I knew it was hard - harder than I thought - but they told me it would be hard. I signed on for this. Right?
The last few weeks have been full of... self-thought. (I know, not technically a real term...) It's not as if I've been full of "A Ha!" moments; it's more like I've come to the realization that the things I know in the back of my head have come to the forefront. Things that people have been telling me, and I believed but couldn't necessarily grab onto and live, have been brought to the forefront.
I can't, no matter how hard I try, change the attitudes of those around me. I can tell them over and over that their attitudes define their world. I can boost them up and cheer them on until my face turns blue. But, until they want to believe it for themselves, until they do what they can to make themselves happy, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make them happy.
I am not, nor do I have to strive to be, the All Knowing Problem Solver. Sometimes, people just have to solve problems on their own, and me telling them that does not make me mean, or bad, or unlikeable.
Contrary to what I've thought mattered for over 20 years of my life, not everyone needs to like me. There's no way they will ever all like me, and - THAT'S OK! It is perfectly acceptable for me to stop trying so damn hard. Because, you know what? I don't like some people either! And trying to ignore those feelings and push over them, while wearing rose colored glasses, is a waste of the energy that I could be using for the things and people that really do matter.
Walking away from something that I am content with in order to pursue other opportunities does not mean that I am selfish. Instead, I should look at what I've accomplished and feel good about those accomplishments. I should be able to run towards new adventures without running from my past.
Change can be a good thing! Even if its a huge, career-changing, change! Having fun each and every day, loving the people I spend time with, knowing that I am doing something that is "good" is what matters.
************
Its times like these when we realize that we get excited because we are overwhelmed with emotion, not just because we're happy. We are reminded that excitement involves feelings of anxiety and agitation, that the reality is that we're worked up because we're about to face the unknown.
But, underneath it all is the obvious joy and elation, the feeling of happiness and cheer. The knowledge that the adventure of the unknown is what brings the biggest thrill of all.
Monday, January 12, 2009
A Guest Post (of sorts) To Describe My Life In The Last Week
The following is an email I received from someone who I knew would tell me all the things I needed to hear in response to what I've been going through in the last couple of days. I'll spare the details, because her response is not only enough to fill in the blanks, but more eloquent and meaningful than anything I could have ever written myself. She is an amazing person/writer/counselor/friend/soul sister, and I was right in assuming that her thoughts and words would not disappoint.
I love you Kelly, and miss you SOOOO much! I'm coming to Texas SOON.
Well, when I got your text message and when i read on facebook about your impending vomit, i knew this must be "D"-related.
First, please let me remind you that your feelings are normal and totally acceptable! That is both the agony and bliss of feelings---they change from year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment. It may happen to some of us more, but the fact still remains. And this is ESPECIALLY true when dealing with matters of the heart such as these. With all that said, sometimes there is just no convincing your feelings (heart) of what your head knows to be true. I think sometimes we simply have to wait it out, and try to let what we know is right win out as much as possible. Basically that equals living with your feelings and waiting for them to pass. In my humble opinion.
With that said, and know that your anger at yourself is another one of those feelings, I want you to know that you are not dumb, or silly, or stupid, or whatever you think you are for "falling again" for D. Everyone deserves a second chance and you were gracious to give him that chance. Shame on HIM. You are not the fool, he is. Your willingness to "go back" to him and give him a chance is evidence of your faith in the good in people and the possibilities of life! People with faith and hope are often disappointed, yes, but they are also the ones who find the most joys in life and don't hole up scared of getting hurt and disappointed. I guess it comes with the territory.
I've been thinking about this, and i just can't help but believe that D has the classic male syndrome I-don't-want-to-be-lonely-itis. You, with about a million other women, fall into the hands of men with this syndrome and every one of those women comes out burned. Sometimes the men are complete jerks (or fill in the blank with your choice adjective), some are well-intentioned and kind who don't realize what they do. The syndrome takes on all sorts of forms but its all the same disease. These guys don't want to be lonely so they keep that one particular girl around who gives them companionship. They can talk to her, have fun with her, discuss the deep things of life with her, perhaps even have some level of physical intimacy with her. He can have all of these benefits without the commitment.
My thought is that D wants you in his life and, as is with the case with all these guys, is too ignorant or selfish to let go of you for the sake of your own good. Its so sad, but its so common. And I know because I lived that kind of relationship for a couple years, waiting and hoping.
With all that said, you gave D a second chance and he blew it. From this point on he will be the boy who cried wolf and your approach to him will have to be very different. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I'm upset at him for toying with your heart. Guys can be such freakin idiots. They don't know what they do when they touch us, tell us they love us or all of the above. They win our hearts and then don't claim them as their prize. Such fools (they are).
I don't even know what to say or think about him and this woman at work. I would want to vomit too. I'm even more appalled that he is basically acting like your boyfriend but is having another relationship on the side and not telling you. Inexcusable.
With all that said, you'll bounce back from this one quicker than last time and there are very good things in store for you. Just hang on to what you know is true and pay no attention to all the things you fear are true. When those thoughts come replace them with something true and good. And remember you are loved :) :) :) :) :) :)
When I flew home for Christmas it was a cloudy, rainy day in Dallas. I wondered if we would even get to leave. Our plane was delayed for an hour due to icy weather in Kansas City. But we took off. I looked out the window and could see nothing but dark gray clouds wrapped all around the plane. You couldn't see a thing. But we kept on rising and finally we got above the clouds and what was there but a bright yellow sun shining so bright my eyes were squinting. The cloud tops were fluffy and white below me and the sun lit up everything. I could not believe the drastic difference. And right then I was touched because God reminded me of this truth. The sun is always shining, you just cannot always see it because of the clouds. And its not just looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Life is hard and many bad things happen. But when life seems bleak, or your heart is dark and weary, there is always something good above the clouds. May be cheesy, but i find it awfully comforting.
Anyhow, this is long. I love you and I'm glad you wrote.
Sure do miss you...
I love you Kelly, and miss you SOOOO much! I'm coming to Texas SOON.
Well, when I got your text message and when i read on facebook about your impending vomit, i knew this must be "D"-related.
First, please let me remind you that your feelings are normal and totally acceptable! That is both the agony and bliss of feelings---they change from year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment. It may happen to some of us more, but the fact still remains. And this is ESPECIALLY true when dealing with matters of the heart such as these. With all that said, sometimes there is just no convincing your feelings (heart) of what your head knows to be true. I think sometimes we simply have to wait it out, and try to let what we know is right win out as much as possible. Basically that equals living with your feelings and waiting for them to pass. In my humble opinion.
With that said, and know that your anger at yourself is another one of those feelings, I want you to know that you are not dumb, or silly, or stupid, or whatever you think you are for "falling again" for D. Everyone deserves a second chance and you were gracious to give him that chance. Shame on HIM. You are not the fool, he is. Your willingness to "go back" to him and give him a chance is evidence of your faith in the good in people and the possibilities of life! People with faith and hope are often disappointed, yes, but they are also the ones who find the most joys in life and don't hole up scared of getting hurt and disappointed. I guess it comes with the territory.
I've been thinking about this, and i just can't help but believe that D has the classic male syndrome I-don't-want-to-be-lonely-itis. You, with about a million other women, fall into the hands of men with this syndrome and every one of those women comes out burned. Sometimes the men are complete jerks (or fill in the blank with your choice adjective), some are well-intentioned and kind who don't realize what they do. The syndrome takes on all sorts of forms but its all the same disease. These guys don't want to be lonely so they keep that one particular girl around who gives them companionship. They can talk to her, have fun with her, discuss the deep things of life with her, perhaps even have some level of physical intimacy with her. He can have all of these benefits without the commitment.
My thought is that D wants you in his life and, as is with the case with all these guys, is too ignorant or selfish to let go of you for the sake of your own good. Its so sad, but its so common. And I know because I lived that kind of relationship for a couple years, waiting and hoping.
With all that said, you gave D a second chance and he blew it. From this point on he will be the boy who cried wolf and your approach to him will have to be very different. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I'm upset at him for toying with your heart. Guys can be such freakin idiots. They don't know what they do when they touch us, tell us they love us or all of the above. They win our hearts and then don't claim them as their prize. Such fools (they are).
I don't even know what to say or think about him and this woman at work. I would want to vomit too. I'm even more appalled that he is basically acting like your boyfriend but is having another relationship on the side and not telling you. Inexcusable.
With all that said, you'll bounce back from this one quicker than last time and there are very good things in store for you. Just hang on to what you know is true and pay no attention to all the things you fear are true. When those thoughts come replace them with something true and good. And remember you are loved :) :) :) :) :) :)
When I flew home for Christmas it was a cloudy, rainy day in Dallas. I wondered if we would even get to leave. Our plane was delayed for an hour due to icy weather in Kansas City. But we took off. I looked out the window and could see nothing but dark gray clouds wrapped all around the plane. You couldn't see a thing. But we kept on rising and finally we got above the clouds and what was there but a bright yellow sun shining so bright my eyes were squinting. The cloud tops were fluffy and white below me and the sun lit up everything. I could not believe the drastic difference. And right then I was touched because God reminded me of this truth. The sun is always shining, you just cannot always see it because of the clouds. And its not just looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Life is hard and many bad things happen. But when life seems bleak, or your heart is dark and weary, there is always something good above the clouds. May be cheesy, but i find it awfully comforting.
Anyhow, this is long. I love you and I'm glad you wrote.
Sure do miss you...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
