A Guest Post (of sorts) To Describe My Life In The Last Week

The following is an email I received from someone who I knew would tell me all the things I needed to hear in response to what I've been going through in the last couple of days. I'll spare the details, because her response is not only enough to fill in the blanks, but more eloquent and meaningful than anything I could have ever written myself. She is an amazing person/writer/counselor/friend/soul sister, and I was right in assuming that her thoughts and words would not disappoint.

I love you Kelly, and miss you SOOOO much! I'm coming to Texas SOON.

Well, when I got your text message and when i read on facebook about your impending vomit, i knew this must be "D"-related.

First, please let me remind you that your feelings are normal and totally acceptable! That is both the agony and bliss of feelings---they change from year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment. It may happen to some of us more, but the fact still remains. And this is ESPECIALLY true when dealing with matters of the heart such as these. With all that said, sometimes there is just no convincing your feelings (heart) of what your head knows to be true. I think sometimes we simply have to wait it out, and try to let what we know is right win out as much as possible. Basically that equals living with your feelings and waiting for them to pass. In my humble opinion.

With that said, and know that your anger at yourself is another one of those feelings, I want you to know that you are not dumb, or silly, or stupid, or whatever you think you are for "falling again" for D. Everyone deserves a second chance and you were gracious to give him that chance. Shame on HIM. You are not the fool, he is. Your willingness to "go back" to him and give him a chance is evidence of your faith in the good in people and the possibilities of life! People with faith and hope are often disappointed, yes, but they are also the ones who find the most joys in life and don't hole up scared of getting hurt and disappointed. I guess it comes with the territory.

I've been thinking about this, and i just can't help but believe that D has the classic male syndrome I-don't-want-to-be-lonely-itis. You, with about a million other women, fall into the hands of men with this syndrome and every one of those women comes out burned. Sometimes the men are complete jerks (or fill in the blank with your choice adjective), some are well-intentioned and kind who don't realize what they do. The syndrome takes on all sorts of forms but its all the same disease. These guys don't want to be lonely so they keep that one particular girl around who gives them companionship. They can talk to her, have fun with her, discuss the deep things of life with her, perhaps even have some level of physical intimacy with her. He can have all of these benefits without the commitment.

My thought is that D wants you in his life and, as is with the case with all these guys, is too ignorant or selfish to let go of you for the sake of your own good. Its so sad, but its so common. And I know because I lived that kind of relationship for a couple years, waiting and hoping.

With all that said, you gave D a second chance and he blew it. From this point on he will be the boy who cried wolf and your approach to him will have to be very different. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I'm upset at him for toying with your heart. Guys can be such freakin idiots. They don't know what they do when they touch us, tell us they love us or all of the above. They win our hearts and then don't claim them as their prize. Such fools (they are).

I don't even know what to say or think about him and this woman at work. I would want to vomit too. I'm even more appalled that he is basically acting like your boyfriend but is having another relationship on the side and not telling you. Inexcusable.

With all that said, you'll bounce back from this one quicker than last time and there are very good things in store for you. Just hang on to what you know is true and pay no attention to all the things you fear are true. When those thoughts come replace them with something true and good. And remember you are loved :) :) :) :) :) :)

When I flew home for Christmas it was a cloudy, rainy day in Dallas. I wondered if we would even get to leave. Our plane was delayed for an hour due to icy weather in Kansas City. But we took off. I looked out the window and could see nothing but dark gray clouds wrapped all around the plane. You couldn't see a thing. But we kept on rising and finally we got above the clouds and what was there but a bright yellow sun shining so bright my eyes were squinting. The cloud tops were fluffy and white below me and the sun lit up everything. I could not believe the drastic difference. And right then I was touched because God reminded me of this truth. The sun is always shining, you just cannot always see it because of the clouds. And its not just looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Life is hard and many bad things happen. But when life seems bleak, or your heart is dark and weary, there is always something good above the clouds. May be cheesy, but i find it awfully comforting.

Anyhow, this is long. I love you and I'm glad you wrote.
Sure do miss you...