Sometimes life is stupid...

I know that things around here haven't exactly been Twinkies and Jeweled Purses lately, but a much more upbeat and happy post is coming very soon - just not today...

Also, I continue to be shocked and surprised when I receive comments here - I LOVE it! Thank you so much for those who have complimented my writing or chimed in with their thoughts in any way. It really is quite exhillerating - So keep it up :-)

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So, I don’t mean to “toot my own horn”, as they say, but I think I’m a pretty good friend, especially to people that I’ve spent a lot of time with and have become extremely close with over a period of time. I am intensely loyal – perhaps even loyal to a fault. I care about my friends; about their thoughts and feelings, and I try – I make a conscious effort – to make my words and actions show that I care. I would never intentionally do anything that would hurt them. I can’t say that I’ve never said or done something that has hurt one of my friends, but those instances were my fault for not thinking about what I was saying – I was being flippant or sassy or unthinking; and I understand that things like that happen to everyone. But when I realize that this has happened, when I realize that my words or actions have had a negative effect of any kind on my friends, I always feel horrible. And I will do anything it takes to reaffirm to those friends that I am incredibly regretful, and that I would never intend to make them feel hurt of uncared for. I pride myself in these friendships, and, hard as it may be, take the time to talk with them and work through thoughts and feelings if ever there is something that just doesn’t feel right. I make the effort to resolve any issues and move past them.

My relationships with these friends – these people that I truly love, respect, look up to, and consider a huge part of my life – mean the world to me. And I assume that they feel the same about me. I think I even expect them to have the same convictions about our relationship as I do.

Perhaps that is an unrealistic expectation. Because, for one reason or another, I have been hurt and disappointed by people with whom I have invested a huge portion of my life; people who I have gotten amazingly close with over an extended period of time that then do something that causes irrevocable damage… Something that I couldn’t, for any possible reason, imagine ever doing to them. This same type of thing has happened to me on at least four occasions in my life.

And, because I can’t ever imagine acting this way, it baffles and confuses me to no end. No matter how hard I try, I can not understand it. I am bothered by the fact that these people could know that I am hurt, and not say a word – even when I ask them to. I am upset and distraught over how a person can have so many conversations with me (and so many others) about the meaning of a true friend, the way to live in “real” relationships with all of the people in your life, and then do something that so obviously goes against all that they tout as their way of life.

I know that I am in no way a perfect person, nor am I the perfect friend. I know that everyone does stupid stuff that they regret and that, at times, doesn’t follow the “practice what you preach” way of life. I also know that people change and that relationships that are strong and close may not always be that way. However, none of that seems to excuse or make up for the way I’ve been ignored and brushed off. None of it makes up for the way I feel.

And to that, I shout a hearty “What the Fuck????” to the Universe - and to whoever else is listening…