Insomniatic Musings (from 3/14/11)

The end of an exhausting day leaves me with no rest.

I haven't been able to say goodbye to today and tomorrow has already come.

Lying in bed, praying for sleep, I'm struck by an uncommon silence. The buzz of cars on the nearby main street through town and the frequent alarm of sirens through the city have been replaced with the recurring "whoo" of an owl, undoubtedly perched somewhere on my block; a sound I don't recall ever hearing in nearly three years of listening to the evening soundtrack of this neighborhood. The whir of the furnace and click of the ice maker are absent. I can't hear the cat snoring, nor the neighbor's dog growling. The usual sounds that lull me to sleep are gone in this moment. All I hear are the thoughts racing through my head.

My thoughts, and that owl.

*****

I can't help but feel small and insignificant tonight. I've been living on my corner of the world, thinking I have issues - thinking I'm important. And then I'm slammed, on a day like today, with the reality of all that occurs in the lives of billions of others.

I am not a mother. But I am an aunt; a friend; a Godmother; a sister. And I can not even begin to comprehend the feelings a parent must have for their child. Knowing how I feel about the children that are in my life, I can not even begin to fathom what it must be to love another part of myself in a child. I can only know that it is more multiplied than the inkling I think I may feel. To have that, and then have it taken away - trying to imagine turns my stomach.

I will never know why that beautiful little girl was ripped too soon from her parents' lives. I will never know why a kindergartner won't have her sixth birthday. I pray I will never come close to knowing the agony of loss; the grief of Maddie's family. Because even though I don't know the love a parent has for their child, I fear I couldn't sustain the loss.

*****

My mind flips to the scenes of death and destruction that the people of an entire nation are facing. Not just the unbearable loss of one beautiful child, but of thousands. The loss of homes and belongings and livelihoods; the loss of entire towns. Everything has literally been wiped out from beneath them with inexplicable force.

I imagine the fear and suffering of those in the path of disaster, unable to hold their breath long enough.

I imagine families torn apart without physical mementos of the parts of them that they've lost.

I imagine mothers hoping to see their children again, but knowing there is no hope.

I imagine fathers searching for remnants of their lives through pieces of thousands of homes washed into one enormous haystack.

I imagine days without food or water or a bed or heat.

I imagine hopelessness and despair.

I vow to donate to the relief efforts in thanks for what I have; in hopes that they may know some glimmer of hope...

But who am I to think that my twenty dollars will save anyone? Who am I to think that my broken heart; my prayers; my well-meaning, spoiled self will fix or mend or band-aid their grief and loss and pain?

*****

I am small in this world. I am small, and I am blessed.

*****

The silence again overtakes me. Its just my thoughts and that owl...