But I Digress...

Insomniatic Musings (from 3/14/11)

2011-05-13T21:50:00.004-05:00

The end of an exhausting day leaves me with no rest.

I haven't been able to say goodbye to today and tomorrow has already come.

Lying in bed, praying for sleep, I'm struck by an uncommon silence. The buzz of cars on the nearby main street through town and the frequent alarm of sirens through the city have been replaced with the recurring "whoo" of an owl, undoubtedly perched somewhere on my block; a sound I don't recall ever hearing in nearly three years of listening to the evening soundtrack of this neighborhood. The whir of the furnace and click of the ice maker are absent. I can't hear the cat snoring, nor the neighbor's dog growling. The usual sounds that lull me to sleep are gone in this moment. All I hear are the thoughts racing through my head.

My thoughts, and that owl.

*****

I can't help but feel small and insignificant tonight. I've been living on my corner of the world, thinking I have issues - thinking I'm important. And then I'm slammed, on a day like today, with the reality of all that occurs in the lives of billions of others.

I am not a mother. But I am an aunt; a friend; a Godmother; a sister. And I can not even begin to comprehend the feelings a parent must have for their child. Knowing how I feel about the children that are in my life, I can not even begin to fathom what it must be to love another part of myself in a child. I can only know that it is more multiplied than the inkling I think I may feel. To have that, and then have it taken away - trying to imagine turns my stomach.

I will never know why that beautiful little girl was ripped too soon from her parents' lives. I will never know why a kindergartner won't have her sixth birthday. I pray I will never come close to knowing the agony of loss; the grief of Maddie's family. Because even though I don't know the love a parent has for their child, I fear I couldn't sustain the loss.

*****

My mind flips to the scenes of death and destruction that the people of an entire nation are facing. Not just the unbearable loss of one beautiful child, but of thousands. The loss of homes and belongings and livelihoods; the loss of entire towns. Everything has literally been wiped out from beneath them with inexplicable force.

I imagine the fear and suffering of those in the path of disaster, unable to hold their breath long enough.

I imagine families torn apart without physical mementos of the parts of them that they've lost.

I imagine mothers hoping to see their children again, but knowing there is no hope.

I imagine fathers searching for remnants of their lives through pieces of thousands of homes washed into one enormous haystack.

I imagine days without food or water or a bed or heat.

I imagine hopelessness and despair.

I vow to donate to the relief efforts in thanks for what I have; in hopes that they may know some glimmer of hope...

But who am I to think that my twenty dollars will save anyone? Who am I to think that my broken heart; my prayers; my well-meaning, spoiled self will fix or mend or band-aid their grief and loss and pain?

*****

I am small in this world. I am small, and I am blessed.

*****

The silence again overtakes me. Its just my thoughts and that owl...

I started writing because I knew I couldn't sleep; but now I think I'm sleepy, so this is part 1...

2010-10-29T00:48:00.004-05:00

So, I haven't been here in quite a while, but please believe me when I say that my number of posts has no direct relation to the number of goings on in my life... Friendships, relationships, family, career - they've all been all over the map in the last 5 months. I would say that all of that is why I haven't written, but I know that all of that is exactly why I should write more often... But I've got to stop should-ing, and just do. So, I'll pick up with why I'm writing at 1:19 a.m. on Thursday night/Friday morning. Which, perhaps ironically enough, is somewhat where I last left off...

Whence last we left off, I thought I was in love. Which may have very well been true. I might have gotten the chance to further explore those feelings had the boy (I'm not sure why I continue to refer to people my own age as "boys and girls", but I don't feel as though it will soon end, so we'll just roll with it) that I thought I may be in love with not... well... had a mental breakdown. He was (is? was? pssshhh... who knows...) going through some things that he needed to deal with, emotionally, and wasn't really dealing well, if at all.

I really tried to nurture him through it. I wanted to be there for him and help him see that, even though life sucks a lot of the time, it's really all there is so we just have to deal with it the best we can each day. I wanted so badly for him to see that, even though he had been through some horrible things, he could move past it and be happy. And I tried my damnedest to be a reason for him to move on. I wanted him to move on with - and for - me.

Scratch that - I wanted him to want to move on with and for me. But it doesn't seem to have worked out that way.

Shortly after my declaration of possible love in the previous post, there was a period of time where, even though it had been a while since I had seen him, we talked every day. But he was depressed every day. And then, for quite a while, we only talked a couple of times a week...

As much as I wanted to be with him, I also knew that I wanted him to want it, too. So I let him make the contact; I let him initiate all communications. And those attempts to initiate communication quickly got fewer and farther between. Things would come to a head, and I would get frustrated and let him know, and we wouldn't talk for a while. And then I'd feel bad because I know how it feels to be depressed and I'd apologize and be kind and nurturing again.

Then, there were times when we hadn't talked for weeks and I would be lonely and missing him, so I'd initiate contact, thinking that maybe it had been long enough; maybe something had happened and he would want to live his life and would be happy to hear from me and there would be something encouraging... But it was always the same, and I was always disappointed that he wasn't at the place I wished he was.

After one of these last disappointments, my BFF - the Miranda to my Charlotte (props for the SATC reference, anyone? No? OK...) - encouraged me to delete his number from my phone. It took some real coercing and peer pressure, but I did it. She was right - he knew how I felt, and I needed to try to leave him be at that. If and when he contacted me again, it would be OK to talk to him. And it felt good at the time. It felt like I had taken some control. It was a concrete way for me to help myself realize that he was the one who needed to take the action in this situation, and it was good for me.

Weeks went by and I hadn't heard from him at all. And then, randomly, he started talking to me on Facebook. Shortly after that, he started texting me again. I was optimistic that he was turning a corner, though I was guarded and cautious. And then one night, the conversation turned right back into what it had been for months; he was depressed and his life was awful and, though some people see things as "it could be worse," all he could see was how it could be so much better, and he doesn't know why he bothers to even leave the house, and his glass is half empty... and I lost it. I told him that he confused the hell out of me; that just when I think he wants to try to live his life - just when I think he might be ready to have a relationship, he says shit like that. I said "at what point during you feeling especially shitty about your life tonight did you think it was a great time to talk to me?" I asked him what he wanted... It was harsh, and I immediately regretted it, and I told him so. I apologized and said some more sweet, nurturing things... And that was it. I didn't hear from him again.

That was a little less than a month ago. And for the last two weeks, I haven't been able to get him out of my head. I miss him and I wonder how he's doing and I Facebook-stalk him to check in and make sure he's not too depressed. I've been thinking about the way he smells and the kind of soda he drinks and the way he bites his bottom lip when he's concentrating. I close my eyes and I see his face right next to mine; he's not wearing his glasses and he's grinning just like he would do right before he started kissing me.

Tonight, after days of wishing I had never erased his number but not wanting to ask anyone for it for fear of doing the "wrong" thing, I remembered that I still had the email where he gave me his number the first time. I opened it up and read it, but didn't write down the number or dial it right away, and quickly closed the email. When I found myself chanting his phone number in my head 15 minutes later, I sent him the same text message he had sent me hundreds of times (literally - hundreds): "Hey you." And then, "Can't stop thinking about you... Miss you."

When he hadn't responded an hour and a half later and I was ready to turn off the computer and head to bed, I decided to check in on the world via Facebook one more time, and snuck over to his page, just for a quick check (seriously... I felt like I was sneaking, even though it's just me and the cat over here...) The first thing I saw was that freaking, reddish-pink, relationship heart. I think it must have jumped off of the damned screen and slapped me in the face.

I can still feel the burn across my cheek.

Oh My...

2010-05-04T14:16:00.003-05:00

I think I might be in love...

And this scares the crap out of me.

There's nothing wrong with a teeny, tiny freak out every once in a while, right?

2010-04-23T16:27:00.005-05:00

The first date was awesome!

The second date was fabulous!

The third date was amazing!

And every time I've seen him since the then has been just as wonderful!

I like him a lot, and it's good. It's really good.

In fact, I've had a few moments in the last couple of days where I've felt like it's too good. There's this energy, this connection between us, that's unlike anything I've ever experienced. And though the feeling is beyond wonderful, a feeling I don't ever want to go away, I have found myself being a bit apprehensive; it seems too good to be true. Do I really feel this way or am I just wishing it to be so? I have waited so long for this, for even an inkling of this... Maybe I've just wished it to be more than it actually is. Because there's no way it can be this good... Is there?

**********

My "Soul Sister" - the person in my life who always has the right words to say at the right time; a very dear friend who was (literally) right beside me during the weeks and months after my dad died, the worst weeks and months of my life; the girl who left me to suffer in the God Forsaken department that we worked in together ALL ALONE! when she moved to Texas - had her first baby last week! He is Frank Kelley Dansby, IV, but will be Jude to the whole world. He is amazingly beautiful and absolutely perfect in every way and I could not be happier for them, nor can I wait to go see them in just a few short weeks!

I had been feeling a bit... down... because I hadn't had the chance to talk to Kelly since Jude was born. I know things have got to be absolutely crazy and upside down and I know that the last thing she has time for is a phone chit-chat while she's adjusting to feeding schedules and poopy diapers and all sorts of apprehensions of her own... but I so wish I was closer to her and was feeling bummed that I hadn't had a chance to talk with her to share her joy. And it had really been a while since we'd talked at all, that I hadn't gotten the chance to share my joy with her.

But the other day, at a time when I was feeling especially unsure about the whole relationship thing, we finally made phone contact! It was rushed and brief (she was on her way to the doctor's office and I was on my way back from lunch), but just hearing her voice felt so awesome. I got to hear a bit about her little pumpkin and had the opportunity to have a teeny, tiny freak out.

And, just as she always does, she knew exactly what I needed to hear. In two sentences, she calmed my fears and assured me me that the way I was feeling was normal. She said that the most important thing was for me to just allow myself to feel it all; to let the butterflies and euphoria happen without doubting it, because it is amazing and wonderful.

And she was so right.

There's no way I'm going to get any work done today anyways...

2010-04-07T12:54:00.003-05:00

There is something so terrible and horrifying about meeting a guy for the first time. The flirting, the unknown, the nervous anxiety... There is no way to describe that jumpy, vomitous feeling in the pit of your stomach until you've experienced it for yourself. It is the scariest feeling in the world, and there is absolutely nothing that compares to it. It is simply awful...

But at the very same time, there is something so amazing and wonderful about meeting a guy for the first time. The flirting, the unknown, the nervous excitement... There is no way to describe that jumpy, butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach until you've experienced it for yourself. It is the best feeling in the world, and there is absolutely nothing that compares to it. It is simply amazing...

**********

I've been set up with the friend of a friend. We've been talking (I use this term in the most technological sense... I still have yet to hear his voice) nearly every night for the past two weeks, though our mutual friend had been telling us about each other and trying to get one of us to make a move for several weeks prior to that. I tend to be old-fashioned (or just ridiculously and unnecessarily shy...) in that I want to have the guy make the first move... and he finally did with an email that said "Hi. I'm Tyler." The end. But that's all it took for me to start gabbing and, though he swears he's painfully shy, he has been chatty right back.

He's funny and witty. He's nice and sweet. He is open and honest, and seems to hold nothing back (which is amazingly refreshing). And he thinks I'm cute and funny (and has so sweetly told me as such), which is always a plus!

We are meeting for the first time tonight and I am so ridiculously nervous! But more than that, I am so ridiculously excited. I have a really good feeling about this, and though that seems to add pressure to not expect too much and to not let myself be disappointed, it really is awesome.

**********

My stomach is unsettled and I can't sit still, but at the same time, I don't ever want this feeling to go away...

Sometimes life is stupid...

2010-03-26T15:12:00.005-05:00

I know that things around here haven't exactly been Twinkies and Jeweled Purses lately, but a much more upbeat and happy post is coming very soon - just not today...

Also, I continue to be shocked and surprised when I receive comments here - I LOVE it! Thank you so much for those who have complimented my writing or chimed in with their thoughts in any way. It really is quite exhillerating - So keep it up :-)

**********

So, I don’t mean to “toot my own horn”, as they say, but I think I’m a pretty good friend, especially to people that I’ve spent a lot of time with and have become extremely close with over a period of time. I am intensely loyal – perhaps even loyal to a fault. I care about my friends; about their thoughts and feelings, and I try – I make a conscious effort – to make my words and actions show that I care. I would never intentionally do anything that would hurt them. I can’t say that I’ve never said or done something that has hurt one of my friends, but those instances were my fault for not thinking about what I was saying – I was being flippant or sassy or unthinking; and I understand that things like that happen to everyone. But when I realize that this has happened, when I realize that my words or actions have had a negative effect of any kind on my friends, I always feel horrible. And I will do anything it takes to reaffirm to those friends that I am incredibly regretful, and that I would never intend to make them feel hurt of uncared for. I pride myself in these friendships, and, hard as it may be, take the time to talk with them and work through thoughts and feelings if ever there is something that just doesn’t feel right. I make the effort to resolve any issues and move past them.

My relationships with these friends – these people that I truly love, respect, look up to, and consider a huge part of my life – mean the world to me. And I assume that they feel the same about me. I think I even expect them to have the same convictions about our relationship as I do.

Perhaps that is an unrealistic expectation. Because, for one reason or another, I have been hurt and disappointed by people with whom I have invested a huge portion of my life; people who I have gotten amazingly close with over an extended period of time that then do something that causes irrevocable damage… Something that I couldn’t, for any possible reason, imagine ever doing to them. This same type of thing has happened to me on at least four occasions in my life.

And, because I can’t ever imagine acting this way, it baffles and confuses me to no end. No matter how hard I try, I can not understand it. I am bothered by the fact that these people could know that I am hurt, and not say a word – even when I ask them to. I am upset and distraught over how a person can have so many conversations with me (and so many others) about the meaning of a true friend, the way to live in “real” relationships with all of the people in your life, and then do something that so obviously goes against all that they tout as their way of life.

I know that I am in no way a perfect person, nor am I the perfect friend. I know that everyone does stupid stuff that they regret and that, at times, doesn’t follow the “practice what you preach” way of life. I also know that people change and that relationships that are strong and close may not always be that way. However, none of that seems to excuse or make up for the way I’ve been ignored and brushed off. None of it makes up for the way I feel.

And to that, I shout a hearty “What the Fuck????” to the Universe - and to whoever else is listening…

Semi-Selfish Lamentations

2010-02-26T22:12:00.003-06:00

So much seems so hard
Because everything was so easy
And there seems to be no one
When for so long there was everyone

So many days
Weeks
Months
Where so much was up
Makes the downfall
So damned far

And I just don't understand
What changed
Or how it's different
But it is
Don't tell me it isn't

So many questions
With no answers
And none of it is fair
Not for me
But mostly not for her
Not for them

How can I possibly think
Life is hard for me
When I glance at perspective
I know my struggles are petty

I don't mean to be insensitive
My heart aches for her loss
So many of my tears are hers

But it doesn't make the
Loneliness
Less bleak

I still wish someone would listen to me bitch
Without telling me my skin is too thin
Or that my feelings are insignificant
That there was someone who would let me cry
Until I could cry myself out of this funk
And then answer the questions
That have no answers
With exactly what I want to hear

Insecurities and Unknowns

2010-01-26T22:54:00.003-06:00

How is it that you can get to a point where you feel that you know someone so well, and are so ridiculously confused by them, all at the same time?

Why, when I start to feel the apprehensions and uneasiness slip away, does it reverse directions, as if on a dime?

Is there ever a point in a person's life when they stop wondering if they've done or said the right thing and just realize that no amount of wondering can change what is?

How are we able to let people affect us in such a severe way that thinking of how we affect them keeps us from sleep?

Why do knee-jerk responses of less-than-truths come out when they do, especially when we know that the full-truth was a better answer to begin with?

How is it that we can not remember some of the things that we know we lived and would give our first-born to recall, but the things we'd like to forget never cease to stay at the forefront of our minds?

Is there a point where you've just said too much and would like to rewind it, but, like a cassette with the tape pulled too far off the reel, it can never go back without at least a wrinkle?

When emotions overtake the mind, should we be thankful that we have been given the opportunity to be passionate, or beg for an unfeeling silence to quiet our thoughts?

Why do questions with no true answers plague us in times when all we need to be calmed is a tiny piece of the infallible?

You can't live with 'em and you just can't shoot 'em...

2010-01-22T18:25:00.009-06:00

I seriously don't understand the way the male brain works. I have had very few close relationships with males other than my dad and, because of that, I never understood the generalities that I heard so many females make about men: that they don't have the same sensitivities as women; that they don't talk or even think like women do; that they are so totally different from women. I thought these women were being cliche. The whole "Men are from Mars..." thing couldn't really be that accurate. At least not all of them...

Dear God, was I wrong.

Seriously - I can not figure them out. I do know that they don't think like us. They don't analyze and over analyze every move. They can't, otherwise they would censor half of the things they do and say!

It seems like, just when I think I've made some minuscule victory in cracking the code, they stop reacting in the way they've reacted every other time; they stop emailing or talking or asking questions or showing interest; they stop flirting.

Oh - and the flirting... Really? Do they think that emailing and talking and asking questions and showing interest isn't flirting? Because... I think it is. And when I (pretend to) think it isn't flirting - that he's just a nice guy being friendly - everyone around me says "don't you realize he's flirting?" GAH!!!! Infuriating!

AND THEN!!!! And then... there's the thing that I don't know that I'll ever understand; the thing that never ceases to catch me off guard; the thing that drives me to drink! What is with the "playing hard to get"??? Why in the world is it that, when you (the female) reciprocate the attention and the flirting, when your interest has just peaked, they totally back down? They stop initiating the contact, and stop responding to your attempts to initiate anything. They might just as well have stood in front of you, looked you up and down, shrugged their shoulders, and said, "Eh..." It doesn't seem to matter what moves you pull, because they won't give you the time of day until nearly the exact moment that you yourself have said, "Eh... whatev - I'm fine." Or, more likely, "whyyyy doesn't he liiiiiikkkeee meeeee???" That's when they turn on the charm, full steam ahead! They make you giggle and feel good about yourself. Your tummy does the little flippy thing and you totally forget them shrugging their shoulders...

Stupid boys.

But really, what's most frustrating to me is that, as confusing as they are, as stupid as they seem, as many games as they play, we still want them. We let them play hard to get because all it takes is a smile or a kiss or a touch and we melt. We eat it up and we give in. Every flippin time. Because we know we'd rather play the game with them than not have them at all.

Stupid girls...

My New Year's Day Post - On January 11

2010-01-11T20:43:00.002-06:00

So - Here it is. The end of another year, the beginning of a new one. I don't know what it is about these days, but I've been extremely... pensive.

It may be the fact that I can hardly blink without hearing a different "Year in Review" which has got me attempting to review the events of my year. I began thinking about it this morning as I was drying my hair, and realized that I couldn't really put my finger on how I spent the first, oh, four months of 2009. Eventually I remembered where I was in my life at this time last year (yuck...) which led me to remember where I was in my job (blek...) which led me to think about when my job changed, which brought me to the end of April, when the yuck's and the blek's turned into more positive onomatopoetic sounds that I cant - no, won't - take the time to come up with right now...

Perhaps the pensiveness comes from the fact that I've taken some time in the last 24 hours to catch up with some of my favorite bloggers. It had been a couple of months since I've afforded myself this timesuck, and I realized how greatly I had missed it. (I also realized that I missed writing, thus the post today after only 5 posts in a year... sad!) Most (if not all) of my favorite Internet-wordsmiths had recently posted something that got my wheels turning, in one way or another. Most specifically Kristin, who has declared that 2009 was the happiest year of her life. She spent many of the years leading up to this one with the belief that she would never meet the man she is now in fairytale-love with, right in the middle of her ordinary life; that she wouldn't ever be lucky enough to find someone who would expose thoughts and feelings and desires that she never knew she had, but now finds herself wondering why she deserves the fortune she's found. Though our situations are completely different, Kristin has put words to thoughts that I have on a regular basis.

In one of Kristin's recent posts, she asked her readers to introduce themselves to her in the comments; to tell her who we are, where we're from, and what it is that fuels us. It was in my attempt to tell Kristin about myself that the thoughts started whirling through my head and have yet to stop.

I was attempting to explain to Kristin that, though our lives are different in almost every way, I, too, find myself wrestling with the thought that I may likely never find THE one. I am 28 years old and living alone. Not to mention that I have never been in a serious relationship. If, at any point (including very recently), anyone would have ever told me this would be the case, I would have shuddered in near horror and insisted that there was no possible way that truth was being spoken. I spend a lot of time thinking about this; wondering, wishing, worrying when, if ever, will I find my soul mate? Its just not how I thought I would be spending my late 20's. But, as I told Kristin, reading her story gives me a bit more hope than I typically have for myself.

I continued explaining my life, as it stands now, and what fuels me. I explained how my current career is nothing like I ever imagined it to be. I lived my entire life KNOWING that I would be a kindergarten teacher. There was never a question for me as to a college major, nor was there ever thought that I would stray from that path. I was SURE, until my senior year in college (yeah - six months before graduation - such a long story...). And even then, though I thought I knew I wouldn't be a classroom teacher, I was still sure that I would be tied to the education and/or early childhood fields forever. It was what I knew and it was what I wanted. But, here I am, spending my days as the Communications Coordinator in the corporate environment of one of the largest non-profit agencies in the area. Nearly every day I say (out loud) that I love my job - and I do! It is nothing that I could have ever imagined spending my days doing and nothing that I ever sought out, but I could not be happier.

And then I think about the people who I choose to surround myself with each day; the people who deserve to be called something more significant than friends; the people who sometimes say the hard things because they care about me and know it's what I need to hear; the people who, by letting me be one hundred percent me, one hundred percent of the time, have helped me find a person inside of myself that I respect more than ever before. These people who I love and I know love me unlike any friends I've ever had are people that I would have never pictured myself spending time with. We have very little in common but were forced to get to know each other at two in the morning, in the midst of the hysteria that can only come on hour 19 of running "Command Central" during an 800-year flood. It was in these moments of exhaustion, where everything was funny and nothing was off base, that I began to see how interesting people with whom you have little in common can be. I wouldn't have been able to imagine the intense loyalty and familial bonds I would form with this group of people, but I can not imagine my life at this point without them.

It was at that moment that I seriously began analyzing my own thoughts. I am constantly expressing how I am "living a life I never thought I would be living" as if it is a negative thing; I am a single 28 year old and I would have thought I would have started my family by now - not living alone with my cat. And then it dawned on me that the things I was telling Kristin about - the things that get me through each day; the things that make me the happiest at this point in my life; the things that truly fuel me - are all things that I "never would have imagined".

So where does that leave me? You know, I've been writing this post for 10 days now, trying to figure that out, and I still don't know - as clear as some things have become, even bigger questions have been raised: If all of these things that are so amazing in my life are not at all what I imagined, who's to say that the things I did imagine will be any good for me? As hard as it is for me to put into words... Who's to say that the things that I've so deeply desired are the things that I'm meant to live? How do I know that what I've wanted for so long is what I'm supposed to want?

The real and true answer, as disappointing as it is, is that I don't know and, right now, there is no way to know. What I do know is that, in spite of all of the wishing, worrying, and wanting, my life will go in whatever direction it's supposed to go, and there's not a whole lot - well, nothing, really - I can do about that. What I do know is that it's time for me to stop trying so hard to make life fit my expectations, and let life just happen to me. It's time for me to embrace who I've become in all of this and stop wishing, worrying, and wanting something - someone - that I'm not.

In my head, I know all of these things to be true. My struggle now becomes convincing myself to feel it; making myself believe that, if I trust myself enough to stop asking the questions, I may find that I am living the answers.

Thoughts in my head this morning:

2009-09-22T09:33:00.002-05:00

What is the actual probability that my head could explode from sinus pressure? If its anywhere near possible, we're in trouble...
Really? Another project? Why are there so many at once?
How long can I drive with the "Low Fuel" light on without having to fill up and is it really worth it to try to find out?
I wish kissing and telling was more appropriate...
Does he wish kissing and telling was more appropriate or is he wishing he could forget about it?
Look!! Something Shiny!!!
I totally have ADHD...
That woman should really do something about that cough.
I have A LOT of work to do and really can't focus on a lick of it.
Who says "lick" in that context?
He can't possibly be wishing it didn't happen...
I just want to see him again - I think I'd feel better if I could just see him again.
Wow - I'm such a girl.
I think I'm hungry.
Oh look - an email.
I have got to talk to the doctor about this ADHD issue...
Regardless of the feeling that there is a lot that is unknown, I'm really, really happy for the first time in a long while.

How do you know if what you want is what you should want?

2009-09-02T20:35:00.004-05:00

There are times in this life where I feel absolutely and wholly fulfilled. I sit in the home that I own, after a day at a job that I love, and am in awe of the things that I've accomplished in these 27 years. I know that there are many things that I have yet to experience, but am confident that the day will come in which I'll experience those things; all in good time.

I feel good with the life that I lead; surrounded by dozens of people who love me and like to be around me; immersed in a handful of true friends who feed my soul the fodder it needs to feel loved, cherished, wanted. These are the people who get me; who really understand that I am a lovely, witty person, deserving of all of the love that they give me. I know that they are the people I want to be around and that those who may not be with me yet will be - when the time is right.

There are days when I am content in my quietly busy life, fluttering about for days on end with these people, feeling as though I haven't had a moment to myself in months, knowing that I wouldn't have it any other way.

And then there are days when I'm absolutely no where.

All I can see is the life I want with all that I am but have no idea how to get. I see nothing but people who were granted their wishes; people who are living the dream that I have been denied. All I can think to do is retreat to my couch in the home I share with only my cat.

Its true, the people I love, who I know love me, are still with me daily, in one way or another. I am not alone. Yet the feeling of loneliness overtakes me. It suffocates and pulls me under. It is nearly impossible to see back to the better days, and looking forward is beyond reason - there can't possibly be anything more for me than the desolation I feel at that moment.

I know my feelings are irrational; I've been here before and I've come out on the top. But I can't help but wonder: How many more times do I have to pull myself up? When will it be my turn to live out the desires of my heart?

And then someone - one of those brilliant, truly amazing people who I adore - says exactly what I need to hear. Every time. Without fail. They help me to remember that the things I feel are true, and real, but that letting my feelings overtake me will do nothing to change the reality. They assure me that there is no wasted time and that the wanting can, truly, be the best part. And though there continues to be a hole somewhere inside me that has yet to be filled, I realize that I am not doomed to live these days over and over; that life goes on.

Sometimes life hurts more than I think I can bear, but sometimes its more fun than one girl should be allowed to have. And that is what I know I should want.

I feel as though I'm losing my mind...

2009-03-03T17:59:00.000-06:00

I have been ridiculously busy and it's turning my grey matter into mush. I am the scatter brained ditz who forgets things like her mother's birthday and can't remember that she already has plans and schedules two things at once. My house is a mess, my car is a mess, my desk is a mess... and it all seems to mirror how I feel.

All of the sudden, I'm the girl who drops her phone and her wallet in the water while getting a pedicure and loses her diver's license and debit card the next day.
While searching everywhere for said lost items, I had this overwhelming realization that I can't do everything for everyone. Amazing realization, right? But the thing is, it's not like I felt like I was doing everything for everyone. I was perfectly OK with my life; I was living life, going along thinking I was just doing my best at my job. I knew it was hard - harder than I thought - but they told me it would be hard. I signed on for this. Right?

The last few weeks have been full of... self-thought. (I know, not technically a real term...) It's not as if I've been full of "A Ha!" moments; it's more like I've come to the realization that the things I know in the back of my head have come to the forefront. Things that people have been telling me, and I believed but couldn't necessarily grab onto and live, have been brought to the forefront.

I can't, no matter how hard I try, change the attitudes of those around me. I can tell them over and over that their attitudes define their world. I can boost them up and cheer them on until my face turns blue. But, until they want to believe it for themselves, until they do what they can to make themselves happy, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make them happy.

I am not, nor do I have to strive to be, the All Knowing Problem Solver. Sometimes, people just have to solve problems on their own, and me telling them that does not make me mean, or bad, or unlikeable.

Contrary to what I've thought mattered for over 20 years of my life, not everyone needs to like me. There's no way they will ever all like me, and - THAT'S OK! It is perfectly acceptable for me to stop trying so damn hard. Because, you know what? I don't like some people either! And trying to ignore those feelings and push over them, while wearing rose colored glasses, is a waste of the energy that I could be using for the things and people that really do matter.

Walking away from something that I am content with in order to pursue other opportunities does not mean that I am selfish. Instead, I should look at what I've accomplished and feel good about those accomplishments. I should be able to run towards new adventures without running from my past.

Change can be a good thing! Even if its a huge, career-changing, change! Having fun each and every day, loving the people I spend time with, knowing that I am doing something that is "good" is what matters.

************

Its times like these when we realize that we get excited because we are overwhelmed with emotion, not just because we're happy. We are reminded that excitement involves feelings of anxiety and agitation, that the reality is that we're worked up because we're about to face the unknown.

But, underneath it all is the obvious joy and elation, the feeling of happiness and cheer. The knowledge that the adventure of the unknown is what brings the biggest thrill of all.

A Guest Post (of sorts) To Describe My Life In The Last Week

2009-01-12T17:32:00.004-06:00

The following is an email I received from someone who I knew would tell me all the things I needed to hear in response to what I've been going through in the last couple of days. I'll spare the details, because her response is not only enough to fill in the blanks, but more eloquent and meaningful than anything I could have ever written myself. She is an amazing person/writer/counselor/friend/soul sister, and I was right in assuming that her thoughts and words would not disappoint.

I love you Kelly, and miss you SOOOO much! I'm coming to Texas SOON.

Well, when I got your text message and when i read on facebook about your impending vomit, i knew this must be "D"-related.

First, please let me remind you that your feelings are normal and totally acceptable! That is both the agony and bliss of feelings---they change from year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, and moment to moment. It may happen to some of us more, but the fact still remains. And this is ESPECIALLY true when dealing with matters of the heart such as these. With all that said, sometimes there is just no convincing your feelings (heart) of what your head knows to be true. I think sometimes we simply have to wait it out, and try to let what we know is right win out as much as possible. Basically that equals living with your feelings and waiting for them to pass. In my humble opinion.

With that said, and know that your anger at yourself is another one of those feelings, I want you to know that you are not dumb, or silly, or stupid, or whatever you think you are for "falling again" for D. Everyone deserves a second chance and you were gracious to give him that chance. Shame on HIM. You are not the fool, he is. Your willingness to "go back" to him and give him a chance is evidence of your faith in the good in people and the possibilities of life! People with faith and hope are often disappointed, yes, but they are also the ones who find the most joys in life and don't hole up scared of getting hurt and disappointed. I guess it comes with the territory.

I've been thinking about this, and i just can't help but believe that D has the classic male syndrome I-don't-want-to-be-lonely-itis. You, with about a million other women, fall into the hands of men with this syndrome and every one of those women comes out burned. Sometimes the men are complete jerks (or fill in the blank with your choice adjective), some are well-intentioned and kind who don't realize what they do. The syndrome takes on all sorts of forms but its all the same disease. These guys don't want to be lonely so they keep that one particular girl around who gives them companionship. They can talk to her, have fun with her, discuss the deep things of life with her, perhaps even have some level of physical intimacy with her. He can have all of these benefits without the commitment.

My thought is that D wants you in his life and, as is with the case with all these guys, is too ignorant or selfish to let go of you for the sake of your own good. Its so sad, but its so common. And I know because I lived that kind of relationship for a couple years, waiting and hoping.

With all that said, you gave D a second chance and he blew it. From this point on he will be the boy who cried wolf and your approach to him will have to be very different. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. I'm upset at him for toying with your heart. Guys can be such freakin idiots. They don't know what they do when they touch us, tell us they love us or all of the above. They win our hearts and then don't claim them as their prize. Such fools (they are).

I don't even know what to say or think about him and this woman at work. I would want to vomit too. I'm even more appalled that he is basically acting like your boyfriend but is having another relationship on the side and not telling you. Inexcusable.

With all that said, you'll bounce back from this one quicker than last time and there are very good things in store for you. Just hang on to what you know is true and pay no attention to all the things you fear are true. When those thoughts come replace them with something true and good. And remember you are loved :) :) :) :) :) :)

When I flew home for Christmas it was a cloudy, rainy day in Dallas. I wondered if we would even get to leave. Our plane was delayed for an hour due to icy weather in Kansas City. But we took off. I looked out the window and could see nothing but dark gray clouds wrapped all around the plane. You couldn't see a thing. But we kept on rising and finally we got above the clouds and what was there but a bright yellow sun shining so bright my eyes were squinting. The cloud tops were fluffy and white below me and the sun lit up everything. I could not believe the drastic difference. And right then I was touched because God reminded me of this truth. The sun is always shining, you just cannot always see it because of the clouds. And its not just looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Life is hard and many bad things happen. But when life seems bleak, or your heart is dark and weary, there is always something good above the clouds. May be cheesy, but i find it awfully comforting.

Anyhow, this is long. I love you and I'm glad you wrote.
Sure do miss you...

So, here it is: 2008 in Blog Form

2009-01-01T16:22:00.001-06:00

My year in review:

As the year began I was in a pretty good place. I was feeling good about myself and rather content in my own skin. Life was good - I had wonderful friends and my relationship with my family was back to good. I was a bit annoyed by my boss, but my job pretty good - who doesn't get annoyed with their boss every once in a while?
The weather in the first few months of the year was... odd, to say the least. We experienced record amounts of snow fall, followed by record low temperatures, followed shortly after (like, days) by record high temperatures, followed by more snow falling. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced, but just a hint of the record-breaking weather that was to come.
I started to feel a bit of pressure again from my mom as the first couple of months of the year wore on. Pressure for what? I'm not sure. But it was all beginning to feel a bit irritating. Regardless of that, my sister and I took our mother to Chicago for a weekend birthday trip and to see "Wicked". It was, indeed, wicked, in all positive senses of the word.
It was about this time that my personal life took a downward turn, on many fronts. In taking a stand for who I am and how I felt, I was crushed. I was the girl who couldn't eat for days because her heart hurt too much. I was the girl who simply made it through day by day on the necessity of making it through. I was depressed. It was a dark time in my life. Nothing seemed positive, and it was hard for me to see how it could ever get good again. I was broken hearted and my best friend was gone in one fell swoop; my job was boring me; I was unhappy. In all senses of the word.
I was trying ridiculously hard to get over him. It was really difficult to do, but it was starting to work.
I fell while I was mowing the lawn and broke my arm. I continue to be a ridiculous klutz.
We had record amounts of rainfall in short periods of time, preceded by the melting of record amounts of snow. The Cedar River couldn't handle it. On Friday the Thirteenth of June, the river crested at just under 32 feet, 20 feet above flood stage. 10 square miles of the city were covered in water. In some places it was as much as 16 feet deep.
The week of the flood, my office turned into Flood Central - Literally. The United Way 211 Call Center is run out of our office, and we were the only people giving information for a long time. For the first couple of days, we didn't have any information to give, so we became the place where people called to complain, cry, grieve, and whatever else they needed to do. I worked 90 hours that week. The senior management asked me to step up and help where needed, and I was more than happy to do what I could. We were open 24 hours that first week, and we were asked to take 12 hour shifts. It was in the middle of the night, when we were all more than exhausted and every stupid story was the most hilarious thing we had ever heard; it was in those hours of bonding because we needed to in order to remain sane, that I formed some of the strongest connections with people I would have never imagined I would be friends with. In the midst of the chaos and destruction, in the middle of the devastation, I had one of the best times of my life.
After the flood, I knew I needed a change in my life. The past few months were, for the most part, miserable, and I needed something. Big. Someone mentioned the fact that, because of the flood, mobile homes were selling very well, and I decided to buy a house. It all rolled along with ridiculous ease, and before I knew it, I was a homeowner.
The same week, I was presented with an opportunity for a HUGE challenge. Those amazing people who had become my friends in the middle of the night had seen in me something they liked, and wanted me to take on a different job. Because I am a gluten for punishment, I took the challenge. I moved and started a new job, in which I am the supervisor of 26 women and, ultimately, 96 children, in the same week. Change needed? Change, indeed.
Amongst all of this, I also went on my first real date! It was dinner and a movie followed by dinner and take-out with a nice guy who I thought I was really excited about, but it turns out I was really excited about the idea of him, and not so much him. This discovery was more than a bit uncomfortable, mostly because it was followed but the most uncomfortable face licking kiss ever. But, hell! It was an experience, that's for sure!
The youngest of my 3 brothers had 3 strokes in September. It seems to have been a random attack on his body, not predictable by anyone. He was completely paralyzed on his left side, so much so that he couldn't see out of his left eye. Little by little, with lots of work and determination, he began to regain the strength on that side of his body, beginning with his sight. He is now out of the hospital after nearly 2 entire months, walking with only the aid of a cane. He has regained some strength in his arm, and is beginning to get the movement back in his hand. He has an amazing girlfriend who we are all so grateful for. I can't imagine him having to go through this without someone by his side cheering for him like she does.
My new job occupied my entire life for a couple of months. And I'm not saying that's necessarily bad. Because I was loving my new job. It was just ridiculously overwhelming, and not much else happened in my life, including the unpacking of boxes and decorating of the new house, much to the chagrin of my mother...
At precisely the moment in which I was honestly able to say that I wasn't thinking of him each and every time I received a text message, he was back into my life. I fought it for a while. I didn't know how I felt about even trying to be friends. But shortly before Thanksgiving, I stopped fighting...
Thanksgiving was held at my house. My first "real" house, and my first turkey. I was excited! But it was hell. My mother was disappointed in so much that day, and it was hell. But my sister and I were able to band together and hold onto sanity for the sake of one another. But it was bad none the less. I started worrying about my mom's state of being. Many things are going through my head as to the reasons for her words and actions, and it saddens me. But it's also really friggin annoying.
I ended the year in a pretty good place. As overwhelming and difficult as my new job continues to be, I continue to enjoy it. It is good to feel needed and respected, but it is a lot harder than I thought it would be to be needed and respected. I've been spending a lot of time with him lately, in a way that is different from before, and I like it. It, too, is a bit challenging at times, but I figure - hell, that's life. I still have many boxes that are unpacked and have yet to hang things on the wall, but I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to have as much fun doing it as possible.

I trusted my gut, and it feels damn good.

2008-12-10T12:10:00.004-06:00

I had had a few too many drinks and blurted out "are you ever going to kiss me?" Not long after that, he did.

He had had a few too many drinks and blurted out "I love you. You know that? I really love you."

After the effect of the drinks subsided, we talked about what we remembered from the evening. Did he remember that he kissed me? "Of course I do." Did he remember that he professed his love for me? "I didn't say it wasn't true... It's just that the filter of knowing when things are appropriate to say was gone. You know?"

I knew.

************

He calls me every night. And just when I think "I guess he's not calling tonight," my phone rings and my heart jumps and the biggest smile fills my face.

He kisses me. Not the passionate kisses that I sometimes wish for, but they're definitely not meaningless. I feel like he knows about my past experiences (or, really, lack of them) and wants to respect that.

He holds my hand and rubs little circles with his thumb while he does. And just that contact - that little, seemingly meaningless action - is enough to make the butterflies in my stomach flutter uncontrollably.

He pulls me closer to him when we're not close enough to touch. He seems to be as hungry for the physical contact as I am.

************

I still have questions for him. Why now when not before? Do you feel differently or are you just giving in?

But I don't want to ask them. Not now, when I'm just taking time to enjoy these amazing things. Not now, when all I want to feel is happy.

To Let Go or To Believe?

2008-11-11T19:12:00.003-06:00

I'm afraid I'm dragging myself back into something that I should just stay away from. But there seem to have been signs that I just can't ignore.

Even though the screaming of the signs is only slightly louder than the screaming of the past, I've indulged myself and don't know if I care that I'm ignoring all I went through those short months ago. All I want to see - all I want to feel - are the possibilities.

And I don't know what the possibilities are. Perhaps all that lies ahead is continued disappointment and heartache. But perhaps not. Perhaps there is opportunity for forgiveness and friendship; for a new start.

I want to be able to go into this with zero expectation or to be able to say that I won't go into it at all.

It seems as if it may be too late.

"They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck."

2008-10-25T10:08:00.005-05:00

How can there be so many things going for me - My life is good! - but at the same time I feel like there is so much that just isn't there.

Maybe that's not it... It's not necessarily that something is missing. I don't think... There are just times when I feel so lonely. And I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks that my happiness can be found in another person. I want to be able to be happy with the person I am all by myself.

And then, I can't really say that I'm unhappy by any means. As previously stated, my life is good. But there's just that something. And I think its slowly driving me insane.

***************

I've been thinking a lot about having a baby lately. I want it so badly. I really, truly feel that I am meant to be a mother. I've felt that way for - well, forever. And I am just feeling like my proverbial clock is ticking. Maybe more so because it still sees like there are SO. MANY. THINGS. that have to happen in my life before I would be even close to becoming pregnant in the way I would love for it to happen - in the "traditional" way, with a husband and whatnot.

And I'm having a really hard time convincing myself that it will all work out. My confidence waivers more than it remains strong. I can't see that its coming.

I actually googled "artificial insemination" last night. But I just want to believe that I am not there yet. And that I won't have to get there. I have to believe it - I have to hold out for the "traditional" things just a bit longer.

***************

We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met? ~ David Foster Wallace

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes (Turn and Face the Strain)

2008-09-13T21:02:00.004-05:00

It has been a REEEAAAALLLLLY LOOOONNNGGG TIIIMMMEEE since I last posted. And OH SO MUCH has happened in that time. So much that I've wanted to post many-a-time, but have just been too busy or too exhausted to do so. But here I am now, so let's try to forget the fact that I'm showing up a bit late to the party and embrace the fact that I showed up at all. OK? OK.

So, previously on "But I Digress", I had sold my house and was praying that one of the two houses I had to look at was "the one". Turns out the first of the two had been sold for over a week, but the realtor was too lazy to take it off the Internet. So I was a bit bummed about that, but not at all discouraged.

The second of the two was "For Sale By Owner" and I was really feeling good about it, even before I went to look at it. I don't know what it was, but I just had this feeling that it was going to be good. So, I brought Debbie with me to look at it and told her that her job was to help me look for the negatives. I didn't want to be thinking that this was the one, just because it was the last one I had to look at for the time being, and because I had a "feeling". I wanted to try to stay as neutral as possible. So we went to look. And I was in love. It was perfect, and cute, and old, and charming, and in really great shape, and all I would have had to do is paint a room or two and it would have been move-in-ready. But I wanted to be sure. I looked at Debbie and she said "I know I'm supposed to be finding the negatives, but I don't think I can."

I gave a verbal offer later that afternoon.

Four weeks later, I'm in the house. That's not to say that there weren't any bumps in the road in those four weeks, because there certainly were. Like, for instance, the sale of my mobile home fell through and I had a minor freak out. But it wasn't worth freaking out about, because two weeks later it was sold again and a done deal. There was also a thing with my FHA loan and painting the exterior of the new house (which I wasn't planning on doing) that led me to freak out again, but it, too, was nothing major.

There were other little things, too, but I'm not going to go there. Everything's done now - I'm out of the mobile home and into the new house and people have moved into my mobile home and my first house payment is due October 1 - which is twice as much as I was paying for housing previously, but I'm NOT freaking out! Because...

On top of the whole stress of buying a house and packing and trying to sell your house and moving, I got a different job. Yeah. I'm a glutton for punishment. Here's the story with that:

A few months ago, I was chatting with one of the people in upper management at the non-profit I work for. We have a pretty comfortable relationship and we were just shooting the shit one night, waiting for 5:00, when I said something to the effect of "someday I think I'd like to be a center director". His interest was immediately peaked. (I know now that you can't just SAY those things to Mitch without it meaning something... Mental note for the future.) He told me about some issues that were going on at one of the Head Start site, and, more or less, encouraged me to apply for a Head Start Site Supervisor position that would soon be open. So I did. And nothing came of it. (They decided to just move some people around rather than hiring someone new). In the next few weeks, I got to talking to some people, and I had myself convinced that being a Head Start Site Supervisor wasn't what I wanted to do, for various reasons, and that I was really happy with my job, so why fix what's not broken?

Well, then the flood came, and I was asked to take on a leadership role within the agency during "crisis mode" and I got to know the Jane (the CEO) and Joyce (Mitch's wife and another member of upper management) really well - we all really bonded during the 90 hours I worked that week, and I really feel like I grew a lot as an employee of the agency. And then, about a month ago, Joyce came to me at 4:15 on a Tuesday afternoon and pulled me into her office and closed the door. She said "not too long ago, you showed an interest in being a Head Start Site Supervisor. Would that be something you are still interested in?" And I said no - probably not. And she just looked at me. (p.s. - she was one of the people who talked me out of it a few months ago.) She went on to talk about all of the issues that were going on at one of the sites. She said they've decided that they need someone in there who is energetic, outgoing, positive, has a good relationship with the people at the corporate office, who has a positive outlook on the agency as a whole, someone who they can trust to go in there and totally turn things around without the baggage that people who have worked in Head Start in the past seem to have, and they think that someone is me. If I want to take the challenge, they want me to do it - no applying and hiring. They'd just put me in.

I had some major concerns that I brought to the table, all of which were addressed immediately. I told them that I didn't want to be shoved out at a site and forgotten about, and I was assured that they were behind me and invested in seeing me succeed; yes, they're invested in seeing the site succeed, but they made it clear that they are invested in ME personally.

Growing up, our parents always made it clear that if we were ever presented with an opportunity, we was to find a way to make it work. There wasn't anything to think about. If it would be a learning experience, be that good or bad, and a chance grow professionally and/or personally, you do it. With that in mind, I was ready to sign on that afternoon. But they wouldn't let me. They kept telling me that it was a big job - a big responsibility - and that I should think about it over night and come back to them the next day.

I came up with a long list of questions that night - I had to be medicated to sleep - but I knew that it was something that I would do. And I was excited. Scared... But excited.

That was Tuesday night, and the following Wednesday, I started at the site. I have been the Inn Circle Head Start/Early Head Start Site Leader for about a month now, and I am absolutely loving it. It is ridiculously busy, and there's never a dull moment, but it's good. At my site are an infant room, two toddler rooms, and 4 Head Start rooms. On my staff are 21 teachers and assistants and 4 support staff. A lot of them are needy. And a lot of them are driving me crazy. But most of them are wonderful, and the majority of them are teachable, so we can make changes as needed and make it work (just like Tim Gunn on Project Runway.)

Whoa... This has turned into a marathon entry. And I haven't even BEGUN to talk about the incident of the face licker yet... I guess that will have to wait because my hands hurt from typing. Damn carpal tunnel!

Now is a good time for the Lamaze tips

2008-07-25T15:03:00.004-05:00

Just sold my house for $2000 more than I was hoping to get!

Currently have no place to move to!!

Only 2 houses on current shopping list!!!

If one of those isn't "THE ONE", may be in a pinch!!!!

Should I be concerned that he has REALLY nice handwriting?

2008-07-23T11:50:00.005-05:00

I am splayed out on the couch while something insignificant plays on television. Whatever it is, it provides the much needed hum of background noise; I am hearing but not listening. It makes me feel less alone. My mind wanders, as it seems to do so easily lately: I can't believe I am living this life as I am.

My stomach hurts. It hurts with apprehension and excitement. Should I really be doing this? It is so real, especially now that I can comfortably "actively search" for a house. But it is also so much responsibility. And so much money that someone is trusting me with. Holy. Crap.

I think about how I never pictured myself feeling this, doing this, as a single woman. I am wishing my dad was here to fill the void that the still-absent-man-in-my-life is leaving vacant. He would help me make all of the decisions that I don't have the confidence to make on my own.

And now I'm trying to hear his voice. I'm trying to remember something - anything - that he said, at any point in his life, so that I can capture the sound of it into my conciousness. I want to feel the reverbirations of his throaty laugh; the one that made me smile each and every time. But I can't. I can't hear him. Its just not there.

In a desperate attempt to make all of this okay, I try to hear the sound of my mom's voice in my head, realizing that I can't necessarily do that either. But my efforts to rectify my loss is useless; I can call my mom right now and hear what I can't produce for myself.

I temporarliy console myself by saying out loud "He's proud. He's excited too. He wants me to take risks. 'You're young, Allison. Live your life.'"

**********

The pre-approval nightmare that was my life for three weeks is now over. I realized (obviously later rather than sooner) that the people I was working with had really no clue what they were doing. I called a realtor, talked to a super cute, seemingly single really nice guy that she recommended, and he preapproved me less than 24 hours later. He is my new best friend and I believe we will be getting married.

So, tonight I go to look at houses. I am so excited, and feel much less like I will puke about it than I did two days ago. My mom and my best friend are coming with me, and I'm not doing this by myself. I know this, and am still telling myself that I'm OK. Over and over and over. I'm breathing deeply. Can someone teach me lamaze? I may need it.

I AM Iris - Only I'm not on a "Holiday" - and I don't really look like Kate Winslet. (Well, maybe a little.) (Humor me.)

2008-07-14T09:07:00.003-05:00

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true.

Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true.

For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the
cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's
brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

***************

Miles: Why do I fall for the girl who I know is no good?
Iris: I happen to know the answer to this. Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

***************

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you.
And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.
And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door.
And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

***************

Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

***************

You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my
misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself!

***************

I find it amazing how art imitates life... And how you never realize it at first, but then something in your life changes and you see that you know exactly how to relate to a movie/character/song. Life is, indeed, crazy.

Big Things

2008-07-07T15:43:00.014-05:00

So, I'm currently waiting to hear if I've been pre-approved for a home loan or not.
How am I doing with this?

Nervous. Excited. Scared. Excited. Really nervous.

This is an extremely adult-thing to do. And it's all happening so quickly! Two weeks ago, had you asked me, "Allison - when do you think you'll sell your mobile home and buy a real house?" I would have chuckled and said, "Ha! I wish it would be soon, but I couldn't do that all by myself. I'm sure I'll live here until I'm married. Soooo.... Probably 20 or 30 years, at this rate!"

But, about a week and a half ago, I found out that mobile homes in my area of the world are selling like crazy; probably a wave effect from the flooding - and that 6 homes in my "community" had sold in 2 weeks. That's a lot because mobile homes are hard to sell. So, off the cuff, I said "maybe I should sell my house" and, much to my surprise, everyone around me agreed.

Sidebar: I don't know why, but I continue to let the opinions of my mother and sister drive what I do. It all goes back to that whole feeling-as-though-I've-disappointed-someone thing. And, up until this point, anytime I said something about buying a house, I was met with a stern "perhaps you should think about saving money first". Yeah - they totally shot me down. Even though I should be able to say "I'll do what I want to do - I'm an adult," I find myself unable. You can imagine my surprise when they voiced their affirmation (something I obviously lack with them.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I decided to look into a few things. I've spotted a super cute house in a nice neighborhood that is (I believe) in my price range. I have yet to actually see the inside, as I'm afraid I'm already more excited than I should be without actually knowing if I'll be able to get a loan.

You know? It's scary. And it's a huge, big thing. But I just feel like I've been needing something now for a while. I had been feeling really good about myself for about a year. And then, in the last 4 months or so, I've fallen back into a rut. I know there are multiple things that led me there, but I can't seem to pull myself up enough to get out of it. And this would be a huge leap... But I think it's a huge leap that I'm ready to take - that I need to take.

So, there's that. It's scary. But very exciting all at the same time. Updates to come, as soon as there's something more to update.

***************

I've been having a ridiculously hard time falling asleep lately. It's been off and on for awhile now (the last 4 months or so - imagine the fact that it coincides with my "rut"...), but it's gotten really bad again in the last couple of weeks.

I lay in bed and think. About everything you can imagine. I never thought I'd be one of those people who thinks about work at night and drives themselves to leave messages on their own voicemail at 1:30 a.m. so that they don't forget by the time they get back to work - but I've done it more than once.

And then, I've gotten into this habit of telling myself stories so that my thoughts are mindless. It started at some point when I was younger; I'd come up with some random story about people going on vacation and play it out like a television show in my head. Totally random, I know, but you do what you gotta do. However, not even that seems to be working these days. Every story I tell reminds me of something that I shouldn't be thinking of; something that I don't want to be thinking of.

And I scold myself for thinking of him and I tell myself that I'm not going to think about him anymore. But then another memory pops up that makes me smile - or even laugh - for approximately five seconds, and then it makes me feel like crying for the next five minutes, until I've calmed myself enough to think of something else.

Then the red glow of my alarm clock screams out the time; "If you fall asleep in 5 minutes, you'll sleep for 5 hours and 50 minutes." And then I'm obsessed with the fact that I'm going to get less than six hours of sleep. I try to calm myself again and try the mindless thought game, which only leads me back to the thoughts that are anything but mindless: I wish there was someone I could talk to at 2 a.m. to help me fall asleep; I miss the sound of his voice; I can't even remember the sound of my dad's laugh; who will walk me down the aisle? I think I'll just walk by myself... if I ever get there; my kids will never meet my dad; I'm almost 27 and am not even close to having kids; do I really believe that "the one" is out there somewhere?; I need to believe it - but where's the evidence?; what is true happiness?; is anyone ever truly happy or are we always searching for something more?

These thoughts are entirely too deep! Think mindlessly! GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!

***************

So, in these unwanted deep thoughts, I've come to somewhat of a conclusion. It's something I'm going to try to cling to, at least.

I spent years and years and years asking God to send me someone to love. I wasn't necessarily ready for the first one to be "the one", I just wanted someone. I had decided that, if I could be given the opportunity to fall in love, it would show me that I was capable; it would prove that I wasn't meant to be by myself forever.

In my bargaining with myself and my wishing and praying to God, I failed to add something that has proven to be critical in my current situation. I failed to mention that, not only did I desire with all I was to fall in love, I desired to have someone fall in love with me.

Regardless of this little omission, I realized at some point this weekend, that I did fall in love. I was given that opportunity. I didn't take into account the heartache that would come with that love not being forever, but it happened nonetheless.

All that's left now is to keep faith that God will hold up on the other end; all I have to do is to continue to believe that if it happened once, it will happen again. And that, this time, all bases will be covered and I'll be loved more than I will know how to love in return.

Life around these parts has been the epitome of crazy:

2008-06-16T01:25:00.013-05:00

It's like nothing you could ever imagine. And the pictures don't even do it justice.

I am lucky. I have not so much as a puddle in my driveway (well, not today, anyways. It hasn't rained today. But I think I just heard thunder.) Tens of thousands of others didn't fair so well. People have lost a lot. One of my coworkers was helping a neighbor make sandbags (a feeble attempt) when she heard the foundation of her home wash away. She and her daughter are left with nothing.

The Cedar River in downtown Cedar Rapids reaches flood stage at 12 feet above sea level; the record high was something just above 20 feet. 3 days ago, on Friday the Thirteenth, the river crested at just under 32 feet, sending water blocks beyond the 500 Year Flood Plain - an area of town that has a one in 500 chance of being flooded.

The Dairy Queen! Think of all the ice cream... Gone!

Please keep our city in your prayers.

Snapshots

2008-06-09T11:59:00.003-05:00

I woke up at 5:15 this morning, to the sound of my cat chasing around my bedroom. I was about to scream at her so I could go back to sleep when I heard a suspicious noise. I sat up to see her walking out of my room holding a squeaking mouse in her mouth by the tail. I freaked out. Ohmahgawditssogross!!!!!!! I grabbed a shoe box and the dustpan and went to the living room where she had dropped it, but had it cornered. Just as I was planning to drop the box on top of the... it, it ran under the couch. Molly ran under the couch. It ran under the chair. Molly chased it out from under the chair. It ran into the closet. I opened the closet door and screamed "Molly!!!! Get It!!!" Molly wouldn't go into the closet. I closed the door and scampered back into my bed. I couldn't sleep. I was early to work for the first time in 2 years.

************

I miss him. So much so that it physically hurts sometimes. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much that it literally makes your heart ache... But it is, and it does. Everything makes me think of him - seriously. Things like staples and puzzles and my dishes and vacuuming the carpet all make me think about how much fun we had. I miss his touch and his smell - God he smelled good. I miss talking to him; calling him just because I heard a song I knew he'd like or having him call me just to tell me that he wanted pizza for dinner. Every time I hear the sound my phone makes when I have a text message my immediate thought is "I wonder if that's him..." but it never is. Most of all, I miss his friendship; his company. I miss my best friend.

************

My arm is healing - I think. It feels like it's healing, anyway. I haven't taken any pain meds in a week, so there's that. I still don't have a whole lot of strength in it - I need assistance with things like opening jars and I'm SO glad my mom was at my house when the belt on my vacuum cleaner broke because there was no way I would have been able to fix that on my own. But I can eat with my right hand again, and I can easily apply deodorant again, so I think we're on the road to recovery, at least by my standards. I go back to the orthopedist tomorrow for more x-rays, so we'll see if my standards match up to his. (I'm sure they will, because last time I saw him and could neither straighten nor bend my arm he thought I was doing "pretty good" and I greatly disagreed.)

************

My mom bought me some pots to put on my porch. We had been discussing the fact that I thought I really wanted something to plant flowers in and she found these really cute wagon-shaped dealies and I am grateful that she purchased them for me. She also bought me fake flowers to put in them. For my porch. Outside. Because "this way you don't have to remember to water them." Thanks mom, for the pots. And the vote of confidence. Love you too.

He also told me "it sounds worse than it really is". I'd like to fracture HIS radial head and then see how bad he thinks it really is...

2008-05-21T11:05:00.004-05:00

I fell on Sunday and hurt my arm while I was mowing my lawn. There's a stupid rock next to the corner of my driveway that has been there for as long as I've lived there. I've mowed around it countless times, without incident. Not this time... I was trying to mow around it, and didn't realize I was as close to the curb as I was. I stepped backwards, not realizing I was stepping off the curb, and down I went. I'm such a friggin klutz. The fall knocked the wind out of me. I sat in the middle of the street for a minute, to catch my breath, and some random man drove up. The conversation that followed went a little something like this:

Random Man: Are you alright?
Allison: Yeah, I just fell.
RM: What happened to you?
A: Oh, I just slipped or something - I'm not quite sure.
RM: OK - You just fell. I thought you were having a heart attack.
A:....Umm...... Nope... I just need to catch my breath.
Random Man drives off without another word.

Apparently the thought of me sitting in the street having a heart attack was really horrible - He needed to help me. But me sitting there all alone with broken bones, or having a stroke or a seizure or anything else, for that matter? Pssshhh... That's all just child's play! I can fend for myself with all of those other options! But a heart attack? Someone get this woman some help! She's having a heart attack!

I got up to finish mowing the lawn, but I couldn't get enough strength to pull the cord-dealy-bobber with my injured right arm, nor with my non-dominate left arm, so I went inside for a while.

My arm only started to hurt worse, and I started crying - uncontrollably - for reasons that are unclear to me, even at this point. Was I in pain? Yes. Was it enough pain to warrant the kind of crying that I was doing? No. Was I all alone? Yes. Was it the first time that I had been alone in a less-than-desirable situation, thus causing me to panic and be in hysterics? No. All I could think was that something was wrong, and I was going to need to do something about it and oh-my-god-I'm-all-alone-and-I-have-to-go-to-the-emergency-room-and-it's-going-to-cost-eleventybillion-dollars-and-my-house-is-such-a-mess-and-I-didn't-even-get-the-lawn-mowed-and-look-at-those-dishes-that-need-to-go-in-the-dishwasher-but-they-can't-even-go-in-the-dishwasher-until-the-clean-ones-are-out-and-what-the-crap-am-I-going-to-do-and-who-should-I-call-and-I-don't-even-know-why-I'm-crying-like-this-and DEAR GOD, ALLISON! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!!!!

My mother finally called me back (it's called a MOBILE PHONE for a reason, people!) (Obviously, this is a pet-peeve of mine, but I digress...) and convinced me that "it's going to cost eleventybillion dollars" isn't a legitimate reason to not go to the emergency room when your arm is throbbing, you can't straighten out your elbow, and moving your fingers causes pain. SO, I called the best BFF in the whole world, siting "I hurt my arm and I'm going to need help putting a bra on" when she asked what happened.

To the ER we went, after a brief stint at Wendy's (after the queasiness wore off, I was hungry, and I figured it would be a long evening...) where the person at the drive through window asked Debbie if she'd like her number one in a combo (Just to clarify - ordering a number one "combo meal" at Wendy's, more or less insinuates that, yes - I'd like that in a combo).

What followed was the usual ER experience - waiting, checking in, waiting, checking in again, waiting, x-rays, waiting, waiting, waiting, 2 minutes with the doctor in which he tells you that you've fractured your right radial head, there will be no cast, and, regardless of level of pain, you will need to start using your arm again within the next 48 hours, or blood flow will be restricted. One nurse is placing your arm in a sling (which you are forbidden to wear after those 48 hours have passed), another is giving you a prescription for narcotics and telling you not to drive because "you could get arrested", and a third is shoving papers in your face, pointing at where to sign and initial (with your broken arm) and not really saying anything about what it is that you are signing/initialing.

We are now more than 48 hours out, and I am at work sans arm sling. I'm doing OK now, because of the narcotics, but there are only three of those left, and let me just tell you: If I am in as much pain when those 3 pills are gone as I was before I took one of them this morning, I will be calling that nice man who I saw for 2 minutes on Sunday night, and I will tell him where he can stick his "regular movement, regardless of level of pain". (I know - it doesn't make sense. Blame the narcotics.)

I know you're out there - see that little map and counter dealy over there to your left? I KNOW YOU'RE THERE! So answer my question!

2008-04-16T09:28:00.007-05:00

So, things haven't exactly been Twinkies and jeweled purses over here for the last few weeks - nay, months. I've come to the conclusion that life is stupid (actually, I came to that conclusion a long time ago, but it's just been made quite obvious again) but it's really all we have. You know? I have to think of the alternative. And that would sure suck. So there's that.

But, I think we should talk about music today. I love music; I love listening to music, singing with music, and knowing lyrics to music. Music is my soul put into audible form.

There are so many songs out there that, if you listen close enough, can describe exactly what you're feeling, exactly what you're going through. It can be rather eerie, actually. And it doesn't just have to be about the words/lyrics that are sung. It could be the upbeat melody of a chorus or the haunting undertones in a cadence that defines your thoughts, your mood, your mindset; but something about it can grab you and exemplify you in that moment, that day, or your whole life.

There are the songs that you listen to once and know that you'll never purposely listen to again. There are the songs that you hear once and think you could never relate to, but as you hear it for the second or third or fourth or fifth time, you realize that it has actually really grown on you. There are the songs that you love until you've heard so many times that they're ruined and will never be the same. There are the songs that seem to have been written about you and your life situation, even thought you've never met a famous song-writer (and if you have, the song isn't about you anyways. But it could be, by golly.) And then there are the songs that you could hear eleventy hundred times - maybe even eleventy hundred times IN A ROW - and they will never, ever, ever cease to be just as wonderful as the first time you knew you loved them.

So, readers, here's my question for you (it is five-fold). Which songs make you:

cringe to the point that you change the radio station just so you don't have to hear another second of it?
think "remember when I used to HATE this song? Huh. Not any more!"?
think "remember when I used to LOVE this song? Huh. Not any more!"?
feel a little bizarre because you couldn't better describe your current situation, even though you've tried numerous times?
wish you could have earphones permanently implanted into your ears so that you wouldn't ever have to stop listening because it is just. that. good. (or something close to this - I don't know if even I would want this...)?

As a way of enticing you to comment and ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ALREADY!!!, I will withhold my answers to the above questions until I have a sufficient quantity of comments under this post. Ha! How's that for cracking the whip?

Warning: Cursing is involved

2008-04-07T10:29:00.003-05:00

I hadn’t heard from him all week. Until last night. He sent me a message at 7:30. “How long do you plan on striking?” Does he really not get that this isn’t me “on strike”? I didn’t say anything.

40 minutes later he said “Okay. I guess our friendship wasn’t that meaningful to you.” He couldn’t have said anything that was more hurtful, and I feel like he knew that. After I bawled and bawled, I got angry for the first time. That was rude and unfair. He was trying to push my buttons and it pissed me off. I didn’t say anything.

At 9:45 he said “Talk about shitty. You have no grounds to do this, we were not dating. I’m sure you’ve told everyone what an ass I am. Sounds like something I went through 2 years ago. If you are done with me let me know.” I didn’t say anything.

This morning, I sent him an email. I wanted it to be crystal clear so that there is no room for interpretation.

I left out anything about how hurt I am that he would even suggest that our friendship isn’t meaningful…

I didn’t say “there’s no need to remind me we weren’t dating – you’re the one who can’t seem to get it through your stupid head.”

I didn’t rip him a new ass hole for insinuating that I am anything like the bitch face with his comment about how this “sounds like something I went through 2 years ago”.

I said:

I’m going to repeat every word I said to you last week, because I meant it then, and I mean it now: You know that our friendship means more to me than anything in the world. But we can’t keep going on like we were. I think you need to figure out exactly what it is that you want and need and exactly what you expect from me before we talk again. I don’t want to be done forever. But I think this will be best for now. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Ever.

I have told no one that you’re “an ass”. In fact, it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been doing nothing but defending your intentions and telling myself all of the things that I’m sure you meant to say. But I’ve decided that it’s time for me to guard my heart. Because I love you - you know this. And I can’t keep letting myself go through this on again, off again indecision. No matter how much I’ve tried to tell myself that I can do it, I can’t. I can’t live within those boundaries – my heart doesn’t know how.

So, this has nothing to do with me being “on strike”. It has nothing to do with me being mad or stubborn. This is me telling you that I need you to make a decision. I’m not sure what it is that’s holding you back, but if you’d like to try to push that away, I’ll be here. If it’s something you can’t let go or get over, that’s OK too. But you have to decide how you feel and what you want from me, and then you have to communicate that to me.

You know that you are my best friend and that I love you. I’m NOT “done with you” – I could never be. You mean more to me than I even know how to say.

When you are ready to talk, I’ll be here to listen. Always.

I didn’t expect him to respond right away, but he did. “In response, I will repeat my words. I am a friend, I have stated that many times. That’s it. I feel that its very rude to handle it this way. It is your call. I have said the same thing for months.”

He doesn’t get it. I’m done.

Although I am broken hearted...

2008-04-03T08:14:00.006-05:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ~Neil Gaiman

***************************************

...My problems pale in comparison:

This is Sadie. After 6 short weeks on Earth, a "rare and cruel heart disease" took over, and Sadie's parents had to say goodbye to their princess.

This is Emily. She is 16 months old and has just been diagnosed with an Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumor, or AT/RT. Unfortunately, AT/RT is a very rare, very aggressive and highly malignant cancer with a correspondingly high mortality rate. Please Read Emily's story here.

This is the Lawrenson family - you remember them. Gwyneth is now 12 weeks old, and doing amazingly well, and - the most amazing news - last night, Tricia received her new lungs! She is currently in ICU after a rough go at it, but there are millions (literally) praying for her and her sweet baby girl (and Nate too!!!).

I have never met any member of these three families. I can not even begin to imagine the pain, heartbreak, and uncertainty that they are facing. What I do know is that, for one reason or another, each of these families needs all of the help that they can get; whether that help comes in the form of blog comments, monetary donations, warm fuzzies, or prayer - which is what I believe they all need most of all.

Keep them in your minds and hearts, and count your blessings, however small they may be.

I'm cutting it off...

2008-04-01T14:20:00.002-05:00

...Starting today. And, honestly? It may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. In my life. But I know that this is what I have to do; whether I want to or not.

I can't keep going in circles like we are. It's ridiculous and I'm being ridiculous for continuing to believe that it's all OK. Because, no matter how much I swore to myself I would never be the girl who sat at home and cried over a boy instead of having fun, no matter how many times I rolled my eyes at the girls who hung on, allowing a boy to take control of a relationship instead of just standing up for them selves, I have become one of those girls. And I see why they do it. I know why I do it.

Because I'm in love. And I asked for this. I used to tell people that I wanted to be in love more than anything. And they'd say things like "you're really not missing much. It's really kind of crappy." But I would tell them, "the thing is, I'm missing the fact that I don't know I'm not missing much. I haven't had the experience for myself. And I want that." So now I've had it. And it sucks. But I wouldn't give it up for anything.

So, instead of going on the same path for the next - who knows how long; instead of continuing to listen to the things he says and defending him in my mind for what he surely meant; instead of continuing to try to read his mind instead of him JUST FRIGGIN TELLING ME, ALREADY!!!!; I'm taking the advice of many, and cutting him off.

But here's the question of the day: History has proven that he does not think in the same vein as I do; so how do I let him know that I'm not ignoring him because I'm mad or because I'm depressed or because I don't want to be his friend anymore, but because I need him to figure out what he wants? Because I know that's where his head will go. I know him. Too well. And my fear is that he'll freak out and think I don't ever want to talk to him again. And that is farther from the truth than anything.

Oh, dear God. This is going to be hard. I need moral support...

Between the Lines ~ Sara Bareilles

2008-03-18T09:52:00.003-05:00

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

An Incredibly Lame Post, Saved Only By Many Fun Photos

2008-03-13T16:16:00.007-05:00

This past weekend my sister and I treated our mom to a weekend in Chicago for her 60th birthday. In spite of my fears that my mom would be, well, herself as of late (see previous post), we had an EXCELLENT time! I really was worried that it would be a long weekend, but it was wonderful!

We stayed in a hotel downtown - it was on top of the Chicago Sun Times building - and thought we were pretty big stuff for not staying in a scummy HoJo in one of the burbs.

the view from outside our hotel

We slept in until 10:15 on Saturday (which my sister swears she hasn't done since 2003 - right before her first baby was born) and then started walking (well, we did shower and eat lunch and such). It was pretty chilly, and snowing, but it didn't bother us all that much.

my mom and sister

It was so much fun to just walk around and watch people and look in all of the fancy stores... We wandered into Nordstrom's at Water Tower Place and got our makeup done - for FREE!

my sister and I in Water Tower Place

This really isn't a very good picture, but it needed to be included to tell the following story: If you've never been to Water Tower Place, it is an upscale shopping mall with these cool-water-fountain-like-things-with-bouncing-water-and-what-not inside by the escalator and stairs. So, because we were being totally touristy and because I knew I was going to be blogging about the day, we were taking lots of photos, and this seemed to be a great Kodak moment. Linda (my mother) was trying to take 2 photos whilst we rode backwards up the escalator. She took the first photo with my camera and then quickly needed to set it down in order to take a photo with her camera, and this little shelf-thingy was so close... But, Wait! It's not just any shelf! It's part of the cool-water-fountain-like-thing-with-bouncing-water-and-what-not! What's that you say? Electronic devices and water don't usually mix? Never fear! My camera has some packing tape on the bottom, so as to keep the batteries from falling out, and also to keep water from getting in! All is well...

After that, we headed into Tiffany's to pick up a few things.

my sister and I outside of Tiffany's (we did not go in - despite my mother's request to be "Lookie-Lou's." Yes, that is a direct quote.)

Saturday night was the main event. We got all dressed up and went out to a "fancy" restaurant which was incredibly delicious. My sister and I had purchased tickets to see "Wicked" and it was amazing! I had high hopes, but it was even better than I had hoped for. It was just absolutely wonderful.

We had intended to take a cab from the theater back to the hotel, but everyone and their brother were trying to get a cab. We ended up walking back. It wasn't that far, but we were all wearing heels. Blisters. 'Nough said. It didn't matter, though. We still had a blast.

Oops... that didn't so much work... Let's try it again, shall we?

Much better!

The MOTHERload

2008-03-06T17:12:00.006-06:00

I was a good kid growing up. I never got into "serious trouble". I skipped class maybe five times - and it was yearbook. Mr. Smrha didn't care - he sometimes even encouraged it. I didn't have my first drink until well after I graduated from high school. I didn't get drunk until well after I graduated from college. I was only grounded once; I was in second grade and got mad at my sister (again) and stepped on her metal Care Bear garbage can, rendering it useless. I couldn't watch T.V. for a week. I was spanked several - nay, many times, but for the usual kid stuff. Suffice it to say, a drawn out sigh of my name from my mother or a disapproving shake of my father's head was all the punishment it took before I began bawling and swearing that "I'll never do it again, I promise. Pllleeeaaaassee don't hate me! I'm sooo sssoorrrry... sniffle sniffle."

Immediately following my dad's death, my mom and I got really close. We spent a lot of time together. Probably too much. But we needed each other - I was all she had, and she was the same for me. But after about three or four months of me spending each and every Friday night through Sunday night sitting on her couch in Belle Plaine, Iowa, I began growing restless. I no longer needed her as much as I had in those first weeks. I needed my friends. I needed my life back. But the fear of disappointing her crept in, so I continued to be there for her. I quickly became resentful. I had to be there every weekend. I had to sacrifice plans with my friends. I didn't want to be there. But I was. And it was awful. Finally, I decided I needed to put my foot down and tell them (her and my sister) that I needed to have my own life.

The. Shit. Hit. The. Fan.

I had disappointed her - My worst fear. It was as if I was being disciplined for not coming in from the playground when the sun started coming down like she told me to do. But I was 25. And I knew I needed to stand my ground (if only because that's what my therapist told me to do...). I did. I boycotted Belle Plaine for a month. And I confronted her and told her why I was feeling the way I was and told her what I needed from her. And she was way more receptive than I ever thought she'd be. She admitted fault for a lot of things and vowed to try harder to be there for me in the way I needed her to while understanding that, just because I wasn't spending every spare minute with her, I still loved her and was there for what she needed.

Things were better. For a while. But our relationship is again very strained.

Last weekend I had a two-day work event that took everything out of me. I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, at the end of the second day; so much so that I was in tears on the way home - for no other reason than because I was exhausted. I went home and showered, calmed myself down, and called her for a little "mommy support". This was the exchange that sent me right back over the edge:

Mom: How was your thing today?

Allison: It was good, but it was exhausting.

M: How come?

A: Oh, it was just a really long day, and I'm really tired, and -heh- people annoy me.

M: I know, Allison. People annoy you all. the. time. (Imagine the italics to infer "the tone". You know which tone I'm referring to. Please tell me you know and that my mother isn't the only one who has mastered "the tone"...)

*short pause*

A: Uh... I wasn't the only one who was annoyed...

M: Oh yeah? Well, what were people doing to annoy everyone?

A: I don't want to talk about it.

M: Fine. Did you need anything else?

No. I did not need anything else. I called for the strict purpose of having you point out my shortcomings with extreme pointedness. I called at the end of the most exhausting two days of the year to hear your "tone" and then for you to be promptly disgusted when I didn't want to hear you tell me about how I can better myself by doing things exactly as you do them. Yeah. I'm good, thanks.

Was it too much of me to want to hear "I'm sorry you had a long day," or "Huh. That sucks," or "Oh. Well, what do you think of the weather today?" Anything but what she actually said? I wanted no sympathy - well, maybe a little. But I wasn't out for "I'm so sorry, baby. It is hard to be you! But you are perfect and I'm sure you did wonderfully!" All I wanted was for her to listen to my shit, and then move on. That's all I ever want.

And that's just one example. She makes flippant remarks like that all of the time. And I let her. I can't step away from it. And it all goes back to the fear that she'll be disappointed in me.

There is so much more... so very much more... to all of this. There are feelings of inadequacy; feeling like I just can't measure up to my sister (whom I lovingly refer to as "The Prodigal Daughter); stories of yelling and screaming and so-called resolutions; and so on and so forth... but the problem never seems to go away. And I just don't know what more to do about it (short of growing a set of balls and finally putting my foot down firm enough that even my mother can't lift it).

A Conundrum, of sorts

2008-02-27T12:28:00.004-06:00

I find myself in a constant state of confusion. I go back and forth from week to week - sometimes even day to day - on the way I feel; the way I should feel. And I can't seem to separate the way I feel from the way I know I should probably feel.

I haven't seen him as much lately; I've been busy with work, he's feeling overwhelmed with school and work. Instead of seeing each other every day, we go an entire week, talking daily but never finding time to meet up. And, although I'm thinking it - every night I talk to him and my heart lurches into my stomach, I'm thinking it - I am beyond delightfully surprised when he says "I've missed you." I have to ask him to repeat himself, lest I have allowed my mind to hear something that wasn't actually shared. "Of course I have. I would much rather be spending time with you than doing what I've been doing." His foot finds my freezing toes under the table and his socks keep my feet warm. And I melt back into confusion.

Later that same night, I sit on the opposite end of the couch. I've been trying to be more obvious about separation. I don't cuddle up next to him; I don't rest my hand on his leg; I consciously abstain from the contact that has become an automatic reflex. And before I am aware of it, he has moved closer. His legs are resting in my lap. He is obviously longing for the contact that I've been avoiding. Or is he? Is it as obvious to him as it is to me? Because, if it is, why does he continue to insist that we be nothing more than friends?

When did simply coexisting with the opposite sex become so confusing and difficult? And why? And how do I make the confusion stop? How do I know what he wants and if it matches up with what I want? And - probably most importantly - how do I know if what I want is what I should want?

Amazing Love

2008-02-05T14:42:00.000-06:00

So, I'm a sucker for a love story, and I've come across a true life love story like nothing I've ever seen or heard before.

Confessions of a CF Husband is Nate's journal about "his girls". His wife, Tricia, has Cystic Fibrosis and discovered she was pregnant the day before she was to begin therapy for a double lung transplant. She was (and is) very sick, and the doctors encouraged them to terminate the pregnancy. Nate and Tricia wouldn't even consider termination, as they knew that this was the miracle baby Tricia had been praying for. Gwyneth Rose was born at 24 weeks gestation earlier this month, and is thriving - for as much as a preemie that small can thrive. Her mommy is still very sick, but will be back on the transplant list, hopefully sooner than later.

Nate's blog is a story of his love for his wife, a story of Tricia's love for life, a story of their love for their child, a story of a teeny tiny baby's fight for life, and a story of God's love for them all. It is a story of living life through an unknown journey, with the faith and knowledge that God's will will be done, whether it matches up to what they all would want. It is a love story of the purest kind.

Please take a minute to check them out. They don't want for anythong other than prayer. And if you only look at one thing, look at this. I promise you'll be touched, in one way or another.

"I understand where you're coming from and I totally feel your pain. Also, cute shoes!"

2008-01-30T13:09:00.000-06:00

I have this ridiculous need for affirmation. From anyone. From Everyone. I need to be affirmed. I need people to reassure me that they understand what I'm saying. I need them to tell me that they get my point. I often desire a high five for no other reason than to say, "Hey - I recognize that you're here and I know that you're happy." Though it's not always about wanting to receive a compliment, I greatly appreciate (and seem to thrive on) praise for what I've done. And can I just tell you that, sometimes? I annoy myself with this! Seriously.

It seems as though, when my mood is enhanced in one way or another, the need for affirmation is also heightened. For example, I've been feeling a bit of unnecessary anxiety the last couple of days (also incredibly annoying). So, last night, at the height of my anxiety/insecurity, I was sending text messages to a friend. And there was really nothing left to say in our conversation, but I found myself probing for something further. I needed him to say something - anything - to affirm the conversation we just had so I could feel comfortable enough to go to sleep. And he wasn't responding. And I hated it! Turns out, he did not feel the same need for closure and had fallen asleep. Which is fine! I don't fault him at all for that. But it was ridiculously annoying for me to not feel like I was finished - to not feel as though the conversation was complete - until I heard something like "yeah, I understand" or "OK. Sounds good". That's all I was looking for, but not getting it made me feel even more insecure. And it's like a frickin cycle that never quits.

I almost started this paragraph asking "why is that?", but I don't think there is a "why". It just is. And I've known this for most of my 26 years of life, but it continues to plague me. I try to embrace it, hating it all the while. I try to let people know about my incessant need. And yet, I sometimes let it consume me. I obsess about things (much like I am right now). What's the deal? I should probably let go for now...

Would anyone like to affirm my thoughts for the day?

Please?

Someone?

Anyone?

What is it about having your hand held that gets your heart pumping and makes you feel all fluttery? Or is that just me?

2008-01-29T09:50:00.000-06:00

There are two things that I've been wanting to talk about on here for quite some time but have held back. I've held back because I don't know who reads this blog. When I write emails, my blog address is at the bottom. So I know that a lot of people know what it is. Whether or not they've noticed it or actually looked is in question, and because this is THE INTERNET - and people don't comment every time they read :-) - there's no way of knowing who's been reading. And some things in our lives we just don't want certain people to know.

Was that vague enough? It's about to get even more so...

This weekend was a good weekend for one of those two things. Not as good as I sometimes wish it would be, but better than it has been. And I'm trying to embrace the little things in life. So, yay for that!

As for item two, it's not been going as well, but I'm hoping to get back on the wagon here in the next couple of days. I get paid on Friday and that will help. (I know - vague. But the questions and hounding that would ensue from certain parties would take more of my sanity than I'm willing to sacrifice.)

********

Eastern Iowa Weird Weather Update:

(For those of you who are wondering)

(Which is probably no one)

(Apparently I'm feeling extremely parenthetical)

(Sorry about that)

Thursday, January 24, 2008: Record setting low temperature, -23, wind chill makes it feel like -37. (Yep. It felt like it was thirty seven degrees below zero.)
Monday, January 28, 2008: Record setting high temperature, 47 degrees with sunny skies and much melting of snow.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008: We are currently under a blizzard warning, with a "special weather announcement" that alerts us all that we may die if we drive on the roads. (OK - well, those aren't the words they used, but close enough.) The temperature tonight is predicted at -12, with wind chills dipping well below -30.
For those of you paying attention, that's an air temperature difference of 77 degrees in less than 24 hours.
For those of you who aren't paying attention, why are you still here?
Happy Iowa January to you!

Meme about Me, Me

2008-01-14T10:41:00.000-06:00

Here’s the rule: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8-10 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
Well, I just turned 26. So…. 27? I used to think that I’d get married right around the time I graduated from college. Always thought that’d be nice and convenient. Too bad nothing ever works out the way I planned it to!

2. What color do you like most?
Purple. I’m a purple and pink sort of girl.

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Rome. I want to go to Rome. Badly.

4. Which part of you do you hate the most?
My stomach. Oh! And My calves! I have the ugliest calves. I have these normal, appropriately sized ankles, and then you move up a little bit to the biggest claves in the world. Yuck.

5. Where will you be in 10 years?
Well, I think it’s been proven that where I think I’ll be and where I’ll actually be are very likely two completely different things. But I really hope that I’ll be contently married with children. Somewhere. Anywhere. I’ll go anywhere if I have those two things.

6. What are you afraid to lose the most?
My amazing friends. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Pay off my school loans; buy a “real” house; go to Rome – maybe some other places too; buy a brand new car; hire a personal trainer and chef.

8. What’s your wish for the year ahead?
The same thing I’ve been wishing for as long as I can remember…

9. How did you celebrate the New Year?
Friends, food, and Guitar Hero. What more could a girl want besides a kiss at midnight?

10. Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most?
I honestly don’t think I have regrets. I wish I could have been with my dad when he died, but I know that’s nothing I could have had any control over. I believe that the things we do – intentionally or not – all happen for a reason. And if they were different, we’d be different too. No regrets.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?
People who are fake. Be all you, all the time.

12. What is your ambition?
To live my life in love. In love with life; in love with myself; in love with “him”; in love with the children that I know I am destined to be the mother of.

13. If you could be granted one wish what would you wish for?
The same thing I’ve been wishing for as long as I can remember…

14. What is the best thing anyone had ever said to you?
“It sure sucks when you’re in the middle of all the ‘crap’, when it’s not possible to FEEL like it ever gets better. But it does. It does get better, and I know you know that. I happen to think that TODAY, maybe I won’t tomorrow… but isn’t that the nature of things? I guess I think we just gotta let ourselves feel what we feel, try not to act on it when it’s destructive to ourselves or others, and remember, even if only in our minds and not in our hearts if we can’t, all the good things and even the dreams – and then throw something because you’re so frustrated that your head won’t match up with your heart.”

15. What is the best gift you can give someone this year?
Friendship; support and love.

16. List two of your Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions.
I didn’t make any. I have goals that I know I want to achieve, but resolutions seem so contrived. No one ever sticks with them!

17. What do you need to do this year in order for you to be happier in life?
Lord… Who knows! No – I’m pretty happy in my life. I just need the confidence of knowing that things will fall into place. People keep assuring me that they will, but sometimes it’s hard to see. If anyone knows how to get that, please, PLEASE let me know!

18. What are the Top 2 things that you are most thankful for the year 2007 that made you even happier for 2008?
2007 was pretty uneventful for me, which is actually what I’m most thankful for. Getting back to a sense of normalcy (after the last 5 months of 2006) was hard, but it was a blessing.

19. What was the best lesson you learned in 2007 (be specific)?
“Difficult times have helped me to understand, better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever…” – Isak Dinesen

20. In this very moment, are you doing what you thought you’d be doing at this stage in your life?
Not in the least. I thought, at 26, I’d be a kindergarten teacher with a husband and at least one child – probably working on number two. I thought I’d be blissfully happy and in love. I thought my dad would have walked me down the aisle and be doting over his beautiful grandbabies. But – as hard as it is to see a lot of times – I am able to see how different I am than I was when I graduated from high school; how different I am than I was when I graduated from college; how different I am than I was a year and a half ago when my dad died. My life is 100% different than I ever thought it would be. And I think I was supposed to go through all of that on my own – discovering who I am, making changes, being changed. It all happens because it’s supposed to.

I tag anyone who reads this :-)

Is it weird that I'm talking about my purse as if it were a person? Wait... I don't care!

2008-01-07T09:37:00.000-06:00

I have a few things I'd like to share, none of them having to do with any of the others. So, I've been working on my transitions. Please pay close attention.

Speaking of transitions, guess what made it's transition into my life this weekend? Take one, Exciting-Wonderful-Christmas-Gift guess! That's RIGHT! My beautiful Kate Spade purse! Or, Kate, as I like to call her. She is, in fact, glorious. Please. Have a look for yourself.

Yes, yes. There she is. I took her out of the "dust bag" on Saturday night for a birthday party, thinking it was just such an occasion to debut my new purse. Prior to the party, I ran to Target. I found myself being ridiculously and unnecessarily protective of my prize. I clutched it close to my person every time I neared the passers-by, as if to say "Please, people! DO NOT BRUSH BY THE PURSE!" And, to make matters worse, it is really nasty outside these days - you know... Nasty. Like, snow-melting-dirty-car-putrid-slush-everywhere-nasty. And it is challenging for me. Each and every time I have entered the elements in the past two days, I have done everything to protect the purse at any cost. Oh, dear God. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe I should put her back in the dust bag. For her own safety from the weather... A friend said I should spray it with the same stuff you spray shoes with to protect them, but then I'm afraid she won't smell as good anymore. She smells so delicious right now... But, oh - The weather! *slight panic attack occurring*

Speaking of the weather, remember how I posted about the crazy, cold, snowy, icy weather a few posts back? Well, today's predicted temperatures are nearing 50 degrees. But what's the even weirder prediction? Thunderstorms. There's a good chance we'll experience a thunderstorm today. With hail. p.s. - if it does rain, Kate will take up residence in an unattractive plastic Target bag. Sorry, Kate. Beauty is pain.

Speaking of Target, I ripped my pants at work on Friday (wait for the connection. Its coming. I promise). Well, that's not exactly true. Here's what is true: I've been wearing these same 2 pairs of jeans for approximately 2 years - or more. Not exclusively, obviously, but they were my favorites. They could be every day casual or dressed up a bit. They fit me REALLY well. They were comfy. I probably wore one of the two pairs about 4 days a week. For 2+ years. They had seen their day. The button on one of the pairs was gone, both pairs were thinning in the crotchal region, and the butt pockets of both of them were beginning to rip off. Every time I put them on in the past few weeks I thought, "these babies aren't going to last much longer," but I also knew I didn't really have the money to replace 2 pairs of jeans that made up the majority of my work-wear. So, I wore one pair on Thursday, and on Thursday night (in the privacy of my own home) I decided they needed to be done. I couldn't let myself wear them one more time. So I stuck my finger in one of the holes in the butt pocket and yanked. Took the pocket clean off. Fast forward to Friday morning. The only clean jeans I had were the other pair. So I put them on. The integrity of the pants was less than desirable. However, as previously stated, they were the only clean jeans in my home. And I wasn't about to put on dress pants at that point - that would have necessitated me doing my hair and wearing makeup. No can do, Internets. So I put them on and went to work with a long sleeved t-shirt that sufficiently covered my bum. Until I sat in my desk chair. I felt the tear expand. So I stood up, recovered, and sat down again. More tearing. By 10:00 I had wrapped a sweatshirt around my waist and headed to Target for some new pants (enter Transitional Connection, Stage Left). The story doesn't really end there, but this paragraph is already really long and, frankly, I'm tired of typing about it. So that's what you get.

Speaking of being tired, I am. And it's 4:03 (I've been working on this rockin' post all day long!) and I have a work-related errand to run before going home, so I'm going to leave soon. Yay!

Hail to the Chief

2008-01-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

It is January 3, 2008. Today is the day of the Iowa Caucus. The temperature is a balmy -2 with a wind chill of approximately -20. There are important public figures and news media flittering about the state. The news on television and radio is littered with nothing but political talk. I can't wait for this evening. Because then, maybe - just MAYBE - we'll get at least a tiny bit of reprieve from all of this shit!

I am SOOOOOO sick of people calling me that I could just puke! And the ads on TV - Oh my goodness! I was watching something last night, and the entire 5 minute commercial break - THE ENTIRE 5 MINUTES - was back to back campaign ads. Hillary then Obama then Edwards then Obama then Hillary then Obama then some republican (who are they anyways?) then Obama again. Not that I don't think that the presidential race is something that is important and a meaningful decision that our country has to make, but seriously? Enough. And there's still 11 months until the election! Ggrrrr!

Also on my list of annoyances for the day? Bosses who are writing grants but don't really know what they're doing and get all uptight and overly obsessive about them. Just for instance. Hypothetically.

As for things I love about today? I'm off to a Chinese food buffet. Right now. I am thrilled.

Turns out, there's probably no one out there reading and I'm apologizing to myself...

2007-12-27T09:30:00.000-06:00

Well Hello there, blogging friends! Long time, no read/write/converse/communicate! So sorry it's been a while, but I have been busy, busy, busy. (Well, not really. I just haven't had anything great to write about. And every time I think I have something, it sounds dumb, so I delete it all and give up.) I don't really have a whole lot to talk about now, but I figure, on the off chance that there are people who check my blog to see if I've updated, I thought I would.

OK. So, first things first... Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Holidays! You know - all that crap. I hope you are all (I'm making all kinds of assumptions about my popularity today...) happy and well during this holiday season. If not, I truly wish peace and healing on you and in your heart.

Phew. Got that off my chest.

Next... The weather around here has been CRAZY this last month. It all started off on my birthday.

Yep - you heard it. I was snowed/iced in to my house all alone on my birthday - the most sacred day of the year. I was alone and feeling ridiculously sorry for myself as it sleeted/hailed/snowed approximately 2 inches in Eastern Iowa. Yuck. I was supposed to go to a wedding that I wasn't excited about attending, but was OK with it because my family and some of my friends would be there and we would make it fun. My family lives out of town and, understandably so, decided not to drive in. My friends called me and offered to come and get me and take me to the wedding, but I felt bad making them drive DIRECTLY PAST the church and 5 miles further to my house. But my dear friend Kelly called me to wish me a happy birthday in the midst of my pity party. Her exact words were, "Allison, you call them and have them take you to that wedding and go make fun of people! It will make you feel better!" So I did, we did, and it did.

After that, it snowed some more the next weekend, then we got another layer of ice somewhere in there, and, just as it was all starting to melt and look nasty and dirty, we had a blizzard on Saturday night. A real blizzard. 8 inches of snow and 35 mile per hour winds that caused HUGE snow drifts - I'm talking 6-8 foot drifts across the roads. And I drove 40 miles to my mom's house in the country on Sunday. Probably not the smartest thing to do... Thank God I got behind a plow on the east/west road. I know I wouldn't have made it through on my own. I was driving 10-20 mph for about 20 miles - which was annoying - but totally worth it. And there's another winter storm warning today and tomorrow. they're predicting another 6ish inches of snow. Crazy. I think this December has been the coldest, snowiest December in my recent memory. Did I hear someone say "Global Warming"? I thought not.

In other news, I got this for Christmas! Well, not that - exactly. It is that purse, but not that pattern. I plan on taking a photo and posting it soon. Because I love it. And I don't care if it's ridiculous that I post a picture of my new Kate Spade bag, because... I HAVE A KATE SPADE BAG!!!!!!!!!! For a long time, I've said that I wanted a Kate Spade bag. But only because it's a Kate Spade bag. Not because there was one particular one that I was in love with or because it would serve any purpose that my usual $30 purses can not serve. So, because I do have a $30 limit on purses (unless it's fab - then I'll splurge up to $40. Maybe.) and because I'm not the designer label kind of girl (but mostly because I'm single and poor) I've never even thought that I'd ever own a Kate Spade bag. But, my fabulous sister and her fabulous husband found this bag at a Kate Spade outlet in the Chicago-land area and decided that they'd get it for me for my birthday/Christmas. And I am in love. It came in it's own "dust bag" and it even smells good. I have yet to do anything but admire it lovingly for a few short moments before gingerly placing it back in said dust bag, but soon it will make an appearance as my purse. I will be afraid, but I will use it. I'm not taking it with me into WalMart though - that's just TOO scary.

Apropos of nothing (as if the rest of the information I've shared is apropos ofsomething), I have to get my driver's license renewed today. That should be interesting. I'll let you know how that goes on another day. Unless, of course, it is uneventful. I never share information that is uneventful. Never.

Happy Birthday (Eve) to Me!

2007-11-30T09:31:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. I heart my birthday. I know that, as we get older, we're not supposed to be as excited about our birthdays. But I am. And I think I always will be.

For the last 25 birthdays, no one has ever combined my birthday and Christmas presents, which they very easily could have. But they didn't. And I never asked for any "big ticket" items because I like presents. I know - it's a materialistic attitude. But I like presents and that's all there is to it. Well, this year, for my 26th birthday, both my mom and my sister (the only family in my life who really buy me presents) have combined my gifts. I asked my mom to buy me a new mattress, because mine was oh, so awful. So she did. And it is AMAZING! But it was expensive. So it covers both gift categories - understandably. And my sister said she got me something wonderful that I'm TOTALLY going to LOVE, but, it too, was expensive, and will be a combined gift.

I'm sure that I will love whatever it is that my sister got me, and I know that I love my mattress. AND, I am ever-so grateful that I have any gifts at all. But I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I will be OK when I only have 2 or 3 presents to open on Christmas and none on my birthday. I am 26 years old, after all, I can handle this. (Take deep breaths, count to ten. It IS ok. It IS ok. It IS ok.)

x365???

2007-11-13T12:44:00.000-06:00

I'm thinking of doing this. Fun or no? I can't decide. I'm going to first attempt to make a list of 365 people I know - and I have to know their names. It may be too hard. I don't like effort...

Some things that annoy me about today:

2007-11-12T15:43:00.000-06:00

1) I got a flu shot today. They were giving them free to employees at work, so I thought, "why not?" Well, 5 hours later, I remember why not. Because they hurt me. Not the actual shot itself. That was actually less intrusive than I remember. However, my arm feels weak and sluggish. It's almost as if I can feel the poison coursing through my veins, spreading it's influenza-murdering venom throughout my body...... OK. It's really not that bad, but it does hurt, and I don't like it.

2) Last week, I stepped on my debit card, severely compromising its integrity. (Don't ask how it happened - I'm actually not entirely sure.) I've been writing checks for the past 5 days, and? Do you realize how inconvenient that is? I haven't written this many checks in the last several months! I MISS MY DEBIT CARD! So today, on my lunch break, I ordered some Casey's pizza (yum!) and set out to the bank to replace my debit card in the 20 minutes that it would take those lovely ladies to assemble and bake my delicious lunch. I was within sight of the bank when I realized that those effin bankers aren't working today, because it's Veteran's Day! Are they Veterans? Most likely the answer is no. And that makes me mad. I NEED A NEW DEBIT CARD people!

3) I work with a woman who drives me absolutely batty. She is one of those people who is so passive aggressive that you just wish she'd be outright mean to you because it would just be more honest. AND, if it's not her idea, it's not a good idea. But she'll be the first to make some sort of snotty comment when it's not done, though she never took any action at all. AND, her whole attitude towards me is "I'm old enough to be your mother." It's like, because she's 20+ years older than me, she doesn't have to respect me. Regardless of the fact that I'm actually her superior, we are coworkers. And if she wants me to respect her as a coworker, than I'm going to need respect from her. I have tried liking her. It didn't work, so I tried tolerating her. When that didn't work, I tried ignoring her. And that's not working either. Every time she opens her mouth, I am rolling my eyes or silently begging her to shut up. And I've tried. I really have. But I just don't know what else to do.

4) For some reason, today I am totally stressing about what I'm going to get my niece and nephew (or anyone, for that matter) for Christmas. I don't know why today, of all days, it has hit me, but it has. They have just about everything, so I'd like something "unique". However, I can't really spend that much money - we're talkin' $40-$50 each - MAX. Sooo, GIVE ME IDEAS! Here are their profiles:
*Mark - 4 years old. Loves digging for worms, cars, and shooting things. Prefers outdoors to in, bigger kids to those his own age, and only likes his sister when there's no one else to play with. Biggest pet peeve: being told no when he's being rambunctious in the house.
*Natalie - 2 years, 8 months old. Loves shoes, babies, and nail polish. Has no aversions to digging for worms with Mark, but would rather use the "worm bucket" as a baby bed. Biggest pet peeve: having her hair combed - unless there's a "hair pretty" involved - then it's OK, as long as we "be a widdle gento".

Ideas! Please! Pretty please - with sugar on top! And a cherry!

I'm apparently link-happy today...

2007-11-09T09:18:00.000-06:00

So, seriously people. Is there a blogging-lottery? Because if there is, I need to play!

Several months ago, I was the "inaugural participant" for Whoorl's Hair Thursdays. I was of the first of HUNDREDS to get a hair makeover by the fantabulous Sarah. It was fun! It felt like a brush with celebrity! I mean, seriously, over 600 people voted on my hair! So I got may hair cut and sent in photos, and people were so incredibly sweet and made some wonderful comments - People I don't even know! Anywho... Whoorl is great and I was pictured in her blog. I felt like I had truly entered the world of bloggers.

But wait, people - there's more! A couple of days ago, Metalia, who I also read regularly - because she is hilarious! - posted this contest on her blog. -- Sidebar: I didn't realize that there were contests in blogging! Perhaps I really hadn't entered the blogging world as fully as I wished I had... Oh well. -- I wasn't even going to venture a guess, and then I remembered an incident that took place on fourth floor Regina in the lovely college years. My friend Debbie and I vowed to learn the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel. We printed the lyrics from the Internet, and began studying. We played the song over and over as we attempted to simply recite the lyrics along with the music - it was a choral reading, if you will. And guess what? We failed. Miserably. We couldn't do it. I'm sure it had at least some to do with the fact that we were laughing to hard, but mostly the fact that NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND could EVER know all of the words to that song. What does this have to do with Metalia, you ask? Well, her contest was "Four Truths and a Lie" and one of them stated "I know all the words to 'We Didn’t Start the Fire.'" No way could that be true. So I played along. And?????? I WON!!!!!!! I guessed right and she drew my name!

I NEVER WIN ANYTHING! Seriously. And in the last few months, I won concert tickets on the radio, was in the first "issue" of Hair Thursday (which I guess isn't technically "winning" anything, but still...), and won Metalia's contest. I'm feeling incredibly lucky - like I should play the lottery! But, really, not lucky enough to play the actual lottery. I mean, seriously... the odds are, like, ridiculous.

Warning: This post sounds a lot more depressing than I'm actually feeling...

2007-10-30T15:25:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired lately. In so many ways. I'm physically tired. I can't remember the last day that I woke up and didn't think "how long before I can go back to sleep?" I generally get 7ish hours of sleep, but I don't think it's good sleep. I wake up stiff and fatigued. I feel like I'll never be fully rested again.

I'm mentally tired. I don't think it's a lack of things to do, because I can always find something to do, but I don't want to. I can't think hard enough to feel especially productive. Which only leads me back to the fact that I'm so sleepy and all that I want to do is take a nap.

I'm emotionally tired. I have all of these feelings... It seems I can't hold on to one emotion for long enough to make sense of it before another one comes rolling in. And that in itself is exhausting. And it's not all bad, either. It seems like I go from elated to content to energetic to melancholy to complacent to hyper in the span of most days. And then there are the days that I add to that depressed and lonely and disappointed and heartbroken and bereft. It is more overwhelming than I know how to deal with sometimes. And just thinking about it makes me want to shut down. And then I realize that I'm living it - that I've been living it for over a year - and the exhaustion starts all over again.

I don't live a hard life. I have a good job - one that is not too stressful and in which I make relatively good money. I have a nice place to live that is - again, relatively - inexpensive. I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ask for who hold me up when I'm falling and pick me up when I'm already down. But I'm 26. And I'm single. And I don't fit in to anyone's "group". And 14 months ago my world turned upside down when my dad died. Life changed completely. I knew life would be different without him, but I didn't know it would be like this. Everything is different. Everything. My perspective changed. I am more aware. I am a different person. And it is hard. For the most part, it's good. But it's hard.

And then you throw things into the mix that don't turn out like I thought they would. People who are important to me have disappointed me. And things that I've wished and hoped for my entire life have happened, but have turned out to be altogether unlike what I envisioned they would be. And then I say things - things that are true and real - but things that I wish I never would have said because now things are bound to be different and that's not at all what I wanted. I was feeling like I had a handle on things. I was feeling like I could deal. And now its all different and I'm back to feeling nothing but exhausted. I can't explain it any more than that. I'm just so tired.

Of chili, and cars, and pumpkins.

2007-10-22T16:30:00.000-05:00

I made Chili on Friday night, for the first time. I know, right? Who's never made chili before? Its not like I've never made any chili before. I've made this kind of chili where all you do is add a can of tomato paste and some water - and it is 'Darn Good'. But I've never ventured off in to "homemade" chili territory. I've been afraid. What if it's nasty? What if it tastes nothing like how my mom made it and I'm incredibly disappointed in my own cooking skills? I've asked my mom for a recipe, but apparently that's like asking her to stop demanding to know what I do with my money - impossible. She can't make herself do it. She tried writing it down one time, but she gave up. Quitter. So I just asked her to tell me what was in it. And then I made it. And I was nervous. Because I was feeding guests. Yeah. But you know what? It was good! My guests liked it! And I think it tastes even better than my moms! I'm proud of myself. It's the little things people, it's the little things.

Speaking of the little things, have I told you about my favorite features in my new car? No, you say? Well, let me tell you what just gets me giddy! Radio controls on the steering wheel! It is my favorite! Also? It has this little pocket/compartment that's sole purpose is to hold my sunglasses. Yeah! High class, right? And there's one more thing. It is almost impossible to lock the keys in this car. (Watch - I've jinxed myself now. I'll probably lock my keys in the car within the next hour) But it would be really difficult. It doesn't let you lock the doors when the door is open. It will ding, but not lock right away. And then you close the door and it locks approximately 15-20 seconds later, which is just enough time for me to freak out and frantically dig for them and realize that I did, in fact, put the keys in my purse, before it actually locks! It is like the car of the future! Except that it's already 7 years old, but that's besides the point. It's new to me!

(This is a really crappy transition - actually, there's no transition at all. So bear with me as we venture backward a bit...)

On Friday night, I had some friends over to my house. I made chili (please refer to paragraph one) and we carved pumpkins. It was so much fun! Who would have known that a group of six twenty-somethings could have such a good time with pumpkin-carving?!??!! It was great! We all got really creative with our pumpkins, and we laughed, and ate good food, and took our pumpkins out on the porch and lit them and stood out there and looked at them, and laughed some more. It was really nice to be able to just hang out and have a good time without worrying about spending too much money or leaving anyone out. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And that's all I have to say about that.

I like the word "schmechnicality" (I'm using "word" loosely here.)

2007-10-11T10:11:00.001-05:00

I wish I had something profound to write about. I have the urge to write something deep and meaningful. But I can't seem to come up with anything. So you get a list, Internet. I like to make lists, so here I go:

1. I have found out, in the last couple of days, that I have lurkers!!!!! I don't know if anyone realizes how happy this makes me! I had a horrible feeling that no one read my blog. I can't rationalize this fear, but it's been there since day one. Why should I care? Because I'm Allison. Nice to meet you. This is who I am. I care about people liking me. So for those of you who comment often (I heart you, Kim!) and those of you who commented once, thank you so much! If there are others of you out there who read and enjoy, please let me know! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And it's kind of chilly here in Iowa these days.

2. Speaking of which... Welcome Fall!!!!!! Fall is my very favorite season of all seasons and I think it is finally here for a while! We had a brief burst of fall weather a few weeks back, but then we retreated to 85 degree heat and humidity. I didn't like it. I hate being hot. HATE IT!!!!! I would sooooo much rather be cold. And last night - even after I closed all of my windows about 2 days later than everyone else in the neighborhood - I was lying in my bed, with the covers up to my chin, feeling just a bit chilled - and I LOVED it! Not to mention that the leaves have all started turning. I saw a tree yesterday with the most gorgeous gold and red leaves on it. It was awesome. If I was as "in" to photography as I'd like to be, I would have taken a picture of it. But, alas, I did not.

3. I bought a car this week!!!!!!! It was a HUGE thing for me. I never thought that I'd have to attempt to tackle a task like this without my dad or a husband. But here I was, with a car that was slowly fading (OK - not so slowly in the last few months) knowing that I should really try to get a new one before the winter. And it was stressful. But I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. And one of them stepped up to the plate and walked me through everything. Actually, he pretty much did it all as I walked behind him. Which was perfectly good with me. Because I trust him with my life and know that he knows what he's doing. So I bought a car! I get to pick it up tonight and I'm super pumped!

4. My mom had some people over to her house on Sunday and I got more compliments on my hair that night than - well, I think ever! And it's all thanks to the fabulous Whoorl! Who has an awesome tutorial on blow-drying posted right now. She is, in fact, the best Internet-hair-guru I know (we'll just ignore the fact that I don't know any other Internet-hair-gurus, nor do I actually know Whoorl. Technicality, schmechnicality.)

5. I believe I've run out of interesting things to talk about. I've really got nothing else right now, except that it's almost time for lunch, and I am bored out of my head at work today. There's NO work to do. You think I'm kidding. We were running this whole operation on 3 staff members, which was not enough. Now there are 6 of us, and we've become the super efficient team. Which is wonderful, but now there's nothing to do. Boring.

6. I thought of one more thing. For those of you who like music, or are blessed enough to be able to listen to music while you work, you should check this out. It is free and wonderful. And? It's called Slacker.com. Who doesn't love that? If they'd pay me to put this link here, that would be great. But they don't. I just like it that much. Look at it, play with it, realize how fun it is, and let me know what you think!

"Meme" rhymes with "Theme"

2007-10-02T14:01:00.000-05:00

This is a meme from Kim - She tagged me and I buckle under peer pressure. Oh, and? I. Don't. Want. To. Work. Today. All the things that I have done are in bold and italic (thought I'd really get the point across by doubling the emphasis...)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain - In Australia! I suppose it wasn't technically climbing a mountain so much as hiking... but I'm going to count it!
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree - Senior photos, baby.
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - In Australia again!
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - my mom grew them - does that count?
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower - I even set my alarm to get up for it
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - all the time...
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb - My parents used to live next to sheep farmers
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster I used to think I hated roller coasters and missed out on all kinds of great places, like Knot's Berry Farm, both Disney's, etc. - But then my friends finally convinced me to get on and I LOVE them!
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - Every time I dance I look like a fool but its just oh so fun!
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - Does a lisp count? You should try talking with a lisp - its fun.
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk - I was an RA...
42. Had amazing friends - If I could bold and italicize and highlight and make this one flash in bright colors I would
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country - I actually have! Somewhere in Europe I did the polka with an old man who thought I was funny - it was either in Austria or Germany
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love - does my entire life count? (Kim - you thought you sounded pathetic... Ha!)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke - Yay for Karaoke! Soooo much fun!
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain - Just a couple of weeks ago I was playing in the rain by myself - then I thought the neighbor's were probably thinking I was crazy so I went inside.
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites - I was at a really old....thing in Italy - I can't think of what it's called at this point in my life...
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest - I was "in the shower" for Halloween last year - Actually, I won the prize at work and at a party I went to. I have photos. I will post them if I have enough requests.
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice - Pretty sure we got ripped off - everyone else in our group payed like $20 less than we did - but we didn't care! It was a gondola! In Venice!
80. Gotten a tattoo - Some days I think I'd like to get another one
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage - So many, many times - never solo, though
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house - It's a mobile home, but it's still my house and I'm counting it.
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking - Umm, pretty much every day of my life. I LOVE singing in my car!
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi - Once is enough for me!
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey - Humanities and AP English - oh, the good old days...
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ - never for real, but I have a lot of CD's and when I was in Australia, they called me DJ Jazzy Allison - it just rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident - I rear-ended someone who then rear-ended someone else - there was copious amounts of rain and tornado sirens involved...
150. Saved someone’s life

It doesn't have to be October 3rd for you to comment...

2007-10-01T12:41:00.000-05:00

If you'll please take note to the left of the screen, you'll see a little button. This button I found on Whoorl's page, and thought I'd give it a go. I am ofter curious as to how many people read my blog. I know there are those of you who have read it once or twice and commented, and there are people (or just a person...) who reads on a semi-regular basis and comments as such. But I'd really love it if anyone reading this would take a few momentitos to show me some love and post a comment. Because I just want to know. That's really it. I want to know and there is no real reason why. Other than to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I like warm fuzzys.

Oh, come on - You KNOW it's true... (tee hee!)

2007-09-17T09:13:00.000-05:00

BEFORE Hair Thursday:

AFTER Hair Thursday:

And? Can I just Say? I LOVE it! I'm still having to work with it a bit to get it going exactly the way its supposed to go, but I'm learning. Also, I'm working on growing out the layers on the sides to get them back to the same length so it's more "sleek" and Victoria Beckham-like. Ha! Today it doesn't look quite as wonderful as it did on Friday, (the day these photos were taken by the lovely Molly) but it is also about 30 degrees warmer here today than it was on Friday. Yes, only in Iowa can we go from a breezy, glorious 58 to a balmy, humid 85 in 3 short days... I HATE how weather can affect my look soooo much! I'd just like to be gorgeous all year round (which would definitely be the case if it weren't for the changing weather, right? Right? RIGHT?????)

Anywho... I think you should definitely look here and read all of the wonderful things that Whoorl and others said about me. Because, lets face it, I like to hear people say that I look good, and I want you to hear it too. And then, feel free to comment on my page yourself about how wonderful and awesomely-beautiful I am. Really. I'd quite enjoy it.

Some things I'm excited about:

2007-09-06T09:20:00.000-05:00

1) I have recently been promoted. I'm super pumped about this! It really came at a good time, as I was beginning to get quite a bit antsy about my life in general. OK - I wasn't beginning to get antsy... I was TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY antsy. I needed a change of some kind. And this came at exactly the right moment. I'm going to have a bit more responsibility at work, but that means I will be appropriately compensated for such responsibility - which I'm also pumped about!

2) I won concert tickets on the radio yesterday! And not just any old concert tickets, Fall Out Boy tickets! The very same band that I have listened to all summer. The very same band who's most current CD I have all but memorized! Yes! That band! And I never win anything! It was TOTALLY meant to be. They were playing their version of "the singing bee" - they play a portion of a song and then the lucky caller has one chance to complete the next line, word for word, to win. For those of you who don't know me, I am the Song Lyric Queen. It's kind of my thing. I just know lyrics to songs - A lot of songs. It's just how I am. And, since they were giving away Fall Out Boy tickets, they were going to play a Fall Out Boy song. (Did I mention that I listened to Fall Out Boy nonstop this summer?) So, I was getting ready for work and I heard them saying what they were going to do, and I thought "I should call in. But I'll never get through, so I'm not going to try." And then 2 minutes later, I decided to give it a try. But the line was busy - they already had their 3 contestants. So I was listening while getting dressed, and the first girl didn't know the words. So they moved to the second girl, who hung up. When the third contestant sounded reluctant, I dialed the number and let the phone ring and ring and ring while she failed and they said they needed to get more contestants. So she picks up the phone and I blurt out "I KNOW IT!!!!! I WANT TO PLAY!!!!!" OK - I'll skip to the part where I knew the lyrics (is anyone surprised?) and everyone starts cheering! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! I win the tickets! They'll send them to me in the mail! Can I get a Whoop Whoop?

3) It is Hair Thursday! My hair is currently driving me crazy, so I'm even more excited about this than I was before! So, now I'm just waiting for Whoorl to post (not as impatiently as Molly, I might add... Love you Molly!) so I can see what wondrous things she has to say about my head. It should be a fun time! Make sure to check her page and vote for my hair! I'm pumped!

I Am The Chosen One!

2007-08-29T08:46:00.001-05:00

Friends of the Internet, I have some AMAZING news! I have been chosen! Yes! I know! You can't even believe it. Me either!

I am so excited to announce that I have been chosen to be the "lucky inaugural hair participant" in Whoorl's Hair Academy! Yes - THE Whoorl! The same Whoorl that has this amazing hair! The same Whoorl who shares my affinity for writing in list format. The very same Whoorl who is mother to this amazingly beautiful boy. OK - I think you get it.

Anywho... I'm excited! I don't really know what is going to happen with all of this hair business - so stay tuned! Here, and at Whoorl, of course.

Inner monologue: Quit linking to her page, already! People will think you're some kind of obsessive stalker or something...

Wow - That Was Theraputic

2007-08-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

I saw this meme somewhere - honestly can't remember where - and I really liked it. So here goes:
15 things I've never said to 15 different people*

1) You taught me so much about myself, and about life, and about living, and I thank you for that. Thank you SO much. I'd give anything for one more day of that teaching.

2) There are so many times when you tell me you're proud of me, and I believe it, but there are also the times when I sense this obvious disappointment from you. And just the way that you look at me hurts.

3) Do you realize how good your life is? You have everything I feel like I want. And you don't know it. Living my life while watching you live yours is hard. I wish you could see that.

4) You have been more to me in the last year and a half than I could ever ask for. If I had to wish for one friend, I would wish for you.

5) Why aren't we as close as we used to be? I miss "us" and I hate that you have someone else that you are closer with than me.

6) It's not enough. I can't do it like this anymore. And as much as it kills me to even think this, I think that - sooner or later - it's going to have to be all or nothing.

7) Your thoughts, your words, your looks - whether you mean them to be or not - are judgemental. And I think that's hypocritical of you.

8) Where are you? And how do I find you? And what if I've already met you and didn't even know it and now you're gone?

9) How could you? That was rude and inconsiderate. And if you love me like you say you do you would have NEVER said something like that. But as hard as I tried to be mad at you - and I know I would be furious at anyone else - I still adore you.

10) Do you realize what you did to me? You changed my entire life. And even though it has worked out for the better, you literally killed something inside of me. And I'll never be able to forget that.

11) For God's sake - LET HER GO! She was HORRIBLE to you and you still let her determine decisions you make, whether you know it or not. Get over it! Forget her - I know it's hard, but try. Put forth some sort of effort to not let her run your life. You'll be a better person for it!

12) Seriously? How old are you? You're going to let a whole friendship go over something like this - Something that's not even entirely true? If that's the way you are, I honestly think I'm glad that we're not friends anymore.

13) You are an amazing person... Stand up for yourself! Have an opinion! Be a strong personality! People will respect you for it - even more than they already do!

14) I love you and I'm proud of you. I'm so glad you're back in my life and that we get along so much better than we did before.

15) You are more amazing than I could ever tell you and have more promise than you will ever know. Be strong and be happy. That's all I could ever want for you.

*I honestly had a hard time thinking of 15 people who I felt were "important" enough for this - so I do have a couple of duplicates:-)

I Love A Rainy Night (or a rainy day, or a combination of the two.)

2007-08-20T17:58:00.000-05:00

There is something amazing about the rain. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but something about it affects my soul. It changes my mood. It calms me. It puts my mind at rest.

There's nothing better to me than a lazy fall day, drenched in a constant, lulling rain. The cool breeze blowing, the impending dark clouds, the steady thumping of the raindrops on the roof, the splish of the droplets as they bounce back off of the ground.

Perhaps its the proverbial cleansing that comes with the rain. The hope that the downpour will not only wash away the actual - the literal - but also the stains within me. Maybe its wishing that all that troubles me will be washed away and made clean again; that the revitalization that takes place in nature will also take place within me.

Maybe its the relaxation and rejuvenation that comes with even the smallest shower; even the smell of the crisp air mixed with the amazing scent of the rain gets to me. There's just nothing like it.

Except maybe a thunderstorm. A late-evening summer storm that produces lightening blots which illuminate the sky. It is almost as exhilarating as the rain is relaxing. The rumble of thunder as the lightening bolts rush through the sky does something to me! I LOVE it!

It's been raining a lot here lately. Last night, as the clouds opened and the rain poured, I opened the front door and shut off the lights in the house just so I could watch the storm. And, though many people see the weather as dreary and gloomy, I couldn't help but ignore the rest of the world, breathe deeply, and smile.

p.s. - my blog seems to have forgotten how to let me make line breaks in my posts. Or it has just decided that line breaks only get to happen when it feels like it. I can hit "enter" eleventy bajillion times and it still won't work. That makes me mad. That's all I have to say about that.

p.p.s - I think it's working now... I guess the eleventy bajillion and third time is the charm...

A RIDICUOLUSLY long post about office chairs. And this is the short version...

2007-08-10T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's a great day in my cubicle! I got a new chair! In honor of my new chair, and, I guess, more in hatred of the old, I've written a haiku. (This is for you, Jappie):

I thought you were great,

Supple leather luring me.

But alas, you sucked.

A bit of background: It was also a great day in cubicle land when the old chair arrived at my door (OK - so, its more of an opening in the cubicle wall than it is a door, but play along). It was an amazingly large, leather, "Executive Manager's Chair". I know, right? I'm not even a manager and I've got this amazing, comfortable chair that could possibly be used for napping - wait... Did I just say that out loud? OK - so I put the chair together (all by myself, thankyouverymuch!) and I began to bask in it's wonderfulness. I sat on the chair, I twisted around in the chair, I rolled across the cubicle in the chair. It was wonderful. For like three months. Then one day, as I was rolling across the cubicle, I heard my chair scraping against the carpet. What! What has happened to my glorious chair? Something is wrong! I tipped my chair over and realized that there were broken parts that needed to be fixed. So I dug through papers and got the phone number of the chair company (the lovely store in which the chair was purchased wanted nothing to do with me). Long story not quite as short as it should be, I received many new parts, in many different shipments before I actually fixed the current problem. But it was fixed.

Fast forward nine months. All of the sudden, the chair isn't so wonderful, but there really isn't anything broken, per say. There is no longer the amount of padding on the chair that there was in the first place; the chair, though in the "locked" position, rocks back at its own will; The seat has miraculously grown in length so that it now rams into the back of my knees, causing me to scoot my butt forward and slouch horribly, thus making my back ache terribly by the end of the day. So, my boss says I can get a new chair.

So here we are today, with a lovely new chair, complete with lumbar support. I am currently sitting straight up and my feet are touching the floor! Amazing!

I just keep thinking about how amazing I thought my old chair was...

If there's a lesson to be learned here, could someone please point it out?

2007-07-30T10:04:00.000-05:00

There are times in our lives when the people we know and trust do and say things that we would have never expected them to do. The people that we love and care about stoop to a level that we never thought possible from them. And then we're stuck. Because we love these people, and don't want to stop loving them, but they've done or said something that stings. Something that hurts us and other people that love them. So what do we do now? How do we react? How do we cope? How do we not dwell on our hurts, but move past them, back into our relationships? How do we go from where we are, in the hurting, back into something that will, hopefully, someday, be something close to normal? How do we not be angry or upset and be supportive and understanding, even when we know what they have done or said is beyond what we would ever want to consider acceptable? And how do we cope when, not one, but two people who we are extremely close with, in one way or another, disappoints us? What then?

I'm feeling disappointed today. Not only in these people whom I love, but in myself. For feeling so disappointed. I keep telling myself to just get over it - People change, Allison. Not everyone is going to be exactly who you want them to be - who you need them to be - all the time. Things happen and sometimes life sucks. Move on with your life. But when will that person come who is everything to me and who thinks of me as their everything? Will they come? And why the pain and tears in the mean time? It almost seems as though, just when I get to feeling like things are all playing out in what must be "the plan", the road takes an unexpected turn, then there's a fork in the road, and then a dead end. And just when I get turned around and back on track, it all starts over.

Soooo, I apologize that this is so depressing and awfully mopey, but I figure, if I can't lay it all out there for the Internet, who can I lay it out there too, right?

2:30 - Time To Go To The Dentist!

2007-07-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

So, today is possibly the most boring day at work. Ever. Period. It's boring and there's nothing to do. Not that I'm necessarily complaining. I mean, who doesn't want a day to do nothing at work? But it's boring too. (It could have something to do with the fact that I'm leaving in less than 2 hours for a fun-filled-weekend-road-trip with amazing friends, an adorable baby, and a boy that I have a crush on...) So, I'm blogging. I'm blogging with no particular topic in mind, except "paper clips" (thanks for that Jackie.) So, my take on paper clips (I'll put it in list form, as I do enjoy a nice, tidy list every now and again):

1. Paper clips are good for holding things together. I am especially fond of the Vinyl Coated Clip - sometimes I even enjoy a Jumbo Vinyl Coated Clip, depending on the size and weight of the product(s) that need clipping.

2.In times of need, paper clips are an excellent substitute for bobby pins, or other hair-pinning-products. The only drawback is that they get easily caught in your hair, and untangling them can be a bit of a sticky situation.

3. When I was little, I used to think it would be cool to have braces or a retainer. Ridiculous, I know, but I thought it was "grown-up" and cool. So my friends and I would take paperclips and form them into a half-circle/mouth-shaped apparatus and wear them on our top teeth, and speak with a valley-girl accent. Yeah. Soooo cool.(I was never actually required to wear either of the aforementioned teeth straightening devices and I thank the Good Lord for that.) Then I reached a point when I realized that the paper clips a) kind of hurt when they scraped my teeth, and b) were not actually cool to use as a faux-retainer*. Thus the obsession ended.

4. A really fun practical joke to play on your co-workers while they are on vacation is to take all of their paper clips an hook them together into a paper clip rope. Ha! I did that to Kelly once and she got soooo mad! It's really annoying to have to take them all apart :-)

I guess that's all I've got about paper clips. I feel pretty good about it, though. Could you come up with a list of 4 paper clip topics? I challenge you!

*Spell check does not recognize the word faux! How dare you, spellcheck!

p.s. - as soon as I started my paper-clip-diatribe, my phone rang. Not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES!!!! I had to do work! Can you even believe that? Don't people know that I'm blogging and I don't have time to find them child care? Come on people! Let's get our priorities straight!

Confessions of a (Pseudo) Insomniac

2007-07-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

I've been experiencing a bit of insomnia as of late. (OK, OK, OK... Insomnia might be a bit of an exaggeration. It's not insomnia so much as it is me not being able to fall asleep exactly when I want to. But for the purposes of this blog, we're going to refer to it as insomnia - you and me. Got it? OK. I'll move on.) I am finding it extremely difficult to fall asleep and then, when the alarm goes off (for the first time) at 6:30 in the A.M., it is even more difficult for me to pull my ass out of bed. It SUCKS! And to make it worse, there are all of these ridiculous things going through my head while I'm laying there, trying to sleep. Not ridiculous as in I'm thinking of all of the things that I have to get done or worried about things that are none of my control - no, no. That might be understandable, though also horrible. It's nothing serious, just this stream of consciousness that goes a little something like this:

Oh dear LORD, why can't I just go to sleep? Maybe it's because this mattress sucks. Literally. It is sucking me down to the floor at the very moment. Or it could be these stupid pillows. What. The. Hell. Pillows. (at this point I am violently shaking the pillows in hopes that it will whip them into shape.) I guess I'll try two pillows tonight. There. That's nice. OK. Sleep. Breathe deeply. Clear my head. No thoughts. No thoughts. Not a thought in my head. Is there ever a time when a person has absolutely no thoughts in their head? I don't know if that's possible. I don't think I could have no thoughts. I think I would at least have some stupid song in my head if not a thought. I always have a song in my head. I wonder if I'll dream any songs tonight. I like songs. They're amazing. Baaaaby, you're amaaaaziiing. And IIIIII waaant to let yooou seeeeee. That you are everythiiing you aaare, to meee. And I will let ---- MOLLY!!!!!! Quit it! Gaawwdd cat! If you're going to be on my bed you need to just lay down and shut up! Does anyone have a cat that is as big of a brat as mine is? I doubt it. Geeze - she has such an attitude! What is her deal? I bet people think it's ridiculous when I tell them that my cat has an attitude. But for crying out loud! Where did that expression come from - for crying out loud? What does that mean, exactly? Maybe I should look it up on the Internet. I LOVE the Internet - I think I'm addicted. I know I'm addicted to blogs. Why is it so fun to read about other people's lives? Because I'm a loser. That's why. No, no, no - two pillows will definitely NOT do. Back to one pillow. One pillow is much better. Not perfect, but - OH FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY!!!!! WHY CAN'T I GO TO SLEEP???????

Yeah. This is my life. Only it's eleventy hundred times worse. OK - So I'm a bit of an embellisher* - it's not eleventy hundred times worse, because I do eventually fall asleep. But I really wanted to say eleventy hundred, so I put it in. And now I've gotten to say eleventy hundred 4 times, so I'm good for a while. Only a short while, though.

God, I'm a dork.

*PS - who knew embellish couldn't be made into a noun? Apparently not copacetic with spell check, but I left it anyways. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Some Things...

2007-07-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I posted, so I thought I'd just share some things...

1) I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. The other day I remembered how he pitched a fit because all we had in our house was glass drinking glasses and he liked drinking out of plastic ones. So my mom went and bought some plastic glasses. He was such a dork!

2) I got my hair cut yesterday. I think I am the most easy-going person I know when it comes to hair-dos. I like to get my hair cut, and get easily bored with my hair. Thus is the reason why it's always been short. Yesterday I was just going to get a trim, but when I was driving there I thought, "if I just get a trim, no one will even notice I got my hair cut." So now it's really short. But I like it.

3) I watched the movie Garden State the other night for approximately the 10th time. I love that movie. If you're reading and haven't seen it, you should definitely see it. I will warn you, though: It's really, really odd in some parts - especially the beginning - but it's totally worth sitting through the weirdness. I love it. It is funny and sad and deep and light - all at the same time. Good flick. Good flick.

4) I have this serious desire to come up with something to share in which I can use the word "copious". I don't know why. But I couldn't think of anything fitting, other than simply saying that I just wanted to explain copious amounts of something. I don't know. I'm a dork. What else can I say?

5) "But what do you do... what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good." I like this quote - it's from Garden State (Seriously! Go watch it! Right now! Rent it, buy it, steal it, something! OK - Don't steal it. I own it. You can borrow it.) and it really sums up a lot of what I'm feeling these days. I was talking to some friends about my dad the other night. We were talking about where he was when he died, and I was laughing about it (inquire within...) and my friends were like "Oh my goodness... Is that supposed to be funny?" But I am really coming to understand that, if I wasn't able to laugh about some of the things that have happened in my life, I would be constantly depressed and no fun to myself or anyone around me. And, like she said in the movie, it's not that I don't cry, because I do and it does feel good to let it out in that way. But when I'm not crying about it I have to laugh about it. It's a really good philosophy.

6) I'm feeling a bit antsy about life these days. Most days I feel like I need a change. Something drastic. Like this. But then I think of my friends and all of the other things that I would DESPERATELY miss, and I don't know that moving across the country is what I need. I would like to take a moment to shamelessly blame this on Kelly. She is leaving me (notice that I say she is leaving me. Yeah. I have issues) to go back to school in an area of the country that is foreign to her. And I'm honestly jealous of her. (She knows this, just bee tee double you.) I think that's part of what has gotten these thoughts flying through my head, but I know (deep-down) that it's really my own desires and, if I have to admit it, it's not her fault at all :-) But it sure is nice to be able to make it not my issue...

7) When I typed the word "sure" in that last sentence, I first typed "shure". Did you know that the only two words in which the 's' makes the /sh/ sound are sure and sugar? Thank you Jan Rhoner, professor of Reading and Language Arts in Elementary Schools at Mount Mercy College.

So, I guess that's it for now... I could go on about a lot more things, but that might get a) Depressing; or b) Boring. So I'm done.

I just want to pinch his cheeks and kiss his head!

2007-06-13T13:33:00.001-05:00

Today is an awesome day! Today is the day that God brought this beautiful being into the world:

This is Jordan, the first child of my childhood best friend, Nicole and her husband Joe. Isn't he amazing? He is an absolutely perfect miracle. And his mommy and daddy are so happy!

And I am so happy for them. But, at the same time, I find myself feeling a little down. I feel absolutely horrible about this, and I don't want anyone to think that I am at all unhappy or not excited for Nicole and Joe. I am ELATED to have a new "nephew" and so glad that they have this amazing life to add to their little family. But I still have these feelings of sadness that I don't know that I can exactly explain. I just have this ache; this wanting. It really makes me realize the things that I know I want and really thought I'd have by now. And seeing Nicole and how happy she is just accentuates how far away I am from feeling that for myself. And now I just read over what I wrote, and it seems like I wish it was me who was happy instead of her, and that is TOTALLY NOT what I mean at all. I just wish I had it, too. I wish I could experience the same feelings that she is. Grrrrrrr..... life is hard.

OK - here's one more picture to lighten the mood before the end of the post...

He's so stinkin' cute! Who doesn't love a new baby? I know I do!!!!

Thinking of becoming a Tar Heel...

2007-06-04T20:02:00.000-05:00

I'm in North Carolina. Currently. As we speak. I'm having a blast - right now. It's only Monday night and I'll be here until late Friday afternoon, so things could change. We shall see. We shall see.

So, I've been here a little less than 24 hours, and I've learned something about myself. I've always been the girl who thought she would stay in Hometown, USA for her entire life. I just never thought I would be able to be away from my family. Going to Europe and Australia for a little over 2 weeks each was hard for me. I got a little homesick. When it came time for me to go to college, I went to a college 10 minutes from home and living in the dorms was about the most difficult transition I've ever made. And I went home every weekend. After an hour of my training today I decided that I think I'd like to get my masters degree at the University of North Carolina. Yeah. I think I want to move thousands of miles away from home. And I think it will be a really good thing for me and my relationship with my family. Is it horrible that I think that moving will be the best thing for me and my family? Yeah. That's my situation right now. But that's a whole separate blog that I don't have time for here on this hotel computer.

So, that's about all I got for you today. Actually, I could go on and on, but I think there's someone standing over my shoulder waiting for me to be done...

A day in the life of me...

2007-05-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

So, I don't really have anything to blog about at this point in my life, but I was really feeling as though I should blog. So I guess I'll just tell some random stories from today...

*I am working in the first job in my entire life that I have the need for an intern. And Kelly and I have a summer intern. Her name is Jackie, and we have decided that she is a rock star. She has been doing a lot of the stuff that Kelly and I need to do but HATE, and she doesn't even complain about it! Also, she's a lot of fun and I think she'll do pretty much anything that we'd tell her to. See Exhibit A:

Doesn't she look sad? She wasn't - she was just pretending. I think.

*So, for my job, I have to talk to a lot of people on the phone. When I talk to parents who are looking for child care, there is a script we're supposed to follow. The key words here are supposed to. If we follow the script, the phone call can take around 15 minutes. On some days, we do 10 or 12 intake calls before lunch. This could mean me being on the phone with disgruntled parents for close to 3 hours. It's not always this busy, but parents don't usually want all of the information spewed at them that I am supposed to spew. So, the "script" doesn't always get followed. Especially on mornings like today, when I'm a tid bit grouchy and have a lot to do besides the phone calls. So this morning, I answered the phone after 8 other calls asking me stupid questions about something that I didn't necessarily care about. I assumed this would be another one of those calls. But it wasn't. It was someone wanting a list of "babysitters". Which, if you know me, you know puts me off right away. I do not have "lists of babysitters". So I says to the lady on the phone, I says, "are you looking for full time child care, or do you just need an occasional babysitter?" She wasn't sure. She thought she'd probably need full time care. OK. So we go on. I ask for her name and address. She gives it. I ask if she's used the service before. She's not sure. I look her up and find her. So I start asking the questions, but I'm grouchy and she's annoying me. She doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't have a job and isn't sure what days or times she'll need care. I'm sure I was short with her. I wanted her off the phone. Not a good attitude, I know. But sometimes that's the way it goes. She was taking FOREVER to answer every question I asked her - not hard questions... Questions like "what is your phone number?" I was REALLY annoyed. So, finally, I said "OK - well, I think that's all I need from you since I already have your information in the database. If you have any questions, please feel free to give us a call." And then the bom drops. "Allison - this is Pam from Davenport. Don't do a search, OK?" Yeah. It was the regional office calling to do a 'test call' to be sure that we are following through with our "Quality Assurance" program. This was NOT a quality call. Not in the LEAST! Yeah. Totally sucky. I am feeling horrible about this. I'm sure I won't be fired or anything like that. I honestly doubt if there will be any sort of anything that happens, other than the regional office thinking that I suck at my job. It was awful and I didn't like it at all. Awful.

*There's a new guy at work. I was pretty excited because I was told he was mid- to late-20's, single, fairly attractive, a snappy dresser, mildly dorkish (which I see as an absolute positive), and I know that he quit his last job to go live with his grandparents while his grandfather was sick-how sweet and wonderful! So, I was pumped. Maybe this was my chance to meet a guy! It turns out that the picture in my head was totally different than reality - which I should have suspected! Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that he's a horrible guy or something - I've really got nothing to base my thoughts on, other than first impressions and the 5 sentences that I've heard him speak. However, I feel as though he's more geeky than dorkish (there's TOTALLY a difference) and it's just not at all what I was hoping for! But then again, that NEVER happens. Wow. Now I feel like a total judgemental jerk. Nice. I think I'll just go crawl into a hole and cry. That is definitely how my day has gone.

OK - enough feeling sorry for myself. I didn't really mean for this post to turn into this. I want you all (all 4 of you) to still think I'm a funny, bubly girl - not a self-pitying, critical, meany-head. I'm not. I promise!

2 Posts in one day - I feel like quite the over-achiever!

2007-05-15T14:08:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Jess over at Making Home for this - it was a fun reprieve from doing the 7 referrals that are on my desk right now! Is what you gotta do is (as my brother-in-law would say) google "Allison needs" (but don't say Allison - say your own name - duh). It brings up all kinds of crazy things - what I found is in bold. The other parts are my own editorial comments! I had so much fun, as a matter of fact, that I did 15 instead of 10!!! (I had to do a bit of digging because a lot of people have done this fun activity and their blogs come up. But it's still a good time!)

Allison needs more good farmers to raise corn, wheat, rye, oats, barley, peanuts, cattle, hogs and sheep, all of which do well here. Well, really? I had NO idea! I'll get right on that!

Allison needs a loving home. Oh - that makes me a bit sad. I DO need a loving home! Will somebody help me out with that?

Allison needs little help from the beauty shop. That's because my natural beauty is astounding all in itself!

Allison needs a Big Sister to give her encouragement that she's a special person. I do have a big sister and she is pretty good at giving me encouragement --- most of the time...

Allison Needs a Theme for Her After-Prom Party. Ummm, I like totally think the theme should be like, ummm, like, famous couples through the ages. Wouldn't that be like the greatest ever in the whole world??!!!?!!??! I think it would be, like, stellar!

Allison needs chocolate. Always. I ALWAYS need chocolate.

"Allison needs a scarf" my arse. If I tell you I need a scarf, then I need a scarf!!!!

Allison Needs to Wear Sunscreen. Now this is the total truth. I burn like its my job!

Allison needs a little help with her upper lip picture. I don't even know what to say here...

Allison needs a little wine. Did my mom tell you to write this? She always tries to get me to drink wine. Her and my sister. Seriously people. I DON'T LIKE WINE!!!!!

ALLISON NEEDS TO GO HOME NOW!!! Yes - I sure do! I just got ANOTHER phone call from someone asking me about DHS. I"M NOT DHS - I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT FROM YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allison needs a hug. Somebody? Anybody?

Allison needs fluid, I need help? What kind of fluid? I'm afraid if I get too much fluid I'll just have to pee. A lot.

Allison needs your votes. Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top! I will do my best to do the best for you. I PROMISE!

Allison needs to solve the case and protect her clan by concealing the supernatural identity of the killer. Well, I wasn't going to tell you all about this, but I've been involved in a super-stealthy, top-secret mission. I'm afraid I can't tell you any more than that at this point... If I did, you would be in serious danger. This message will self-destruct in 7 seconds.

This post my be a bit lame... It was written out of sheer pressure.

2007-05-14T18:11:00.000-05:00

I just want to make it loud and clear that I'm writing this post for Molly. Not that it has anything to do with Molly, and not that no one else can read it, but Molly said she was mad at me because she wanted something to read to waste time from 4:45 to 5:00 tonight and I had no new posts. So, Molly, this one's for you. (I fee like I should write something totally sentimental, now, when in fact, the only thing I can think of to write about is a horrible topic to dedicate to someone. But I was put on the spot and this is all I got... Wow - that rhymed! I'm a poet and didn't know it! (Do you see why I gave my blog the title I did? Because I have add tendencies.) OK - For real. Here I go.

This is a list of things that make me mad today. I add "today" because, if you'll notice, this isn't on the list today - and on Wednesday I was literally going out of my mind about it! (OK, not literally, but you get my point.) Also, because one of the major things I've learned about my life in the last year-ish is that I can literally (and I mean it this time) go from one extreme emotion to the next in the span of - I don't know - not very long. And it is EXHAUSTING! But, again, I digress. So here's the list:

1. It really drives me crazy how, by the end of the day, my entire "look", if you will, is all together different than it was when I started the day. My hair is flat (or not, see above link), my clothes are disheveled and most of the time soiled with food, and my makeup is smudged, if any happens to be remaining. This makes me mad on days like today because I got to work at 8:30ish this morning and have to teach a class now, at 6:30, and I'm all amiss! Which leads me to...

2. I don't like teaching class at night. This, too, is just a sometimes thing. I signed on for this job knowing full well that there would be classes to teach at night, and sometimes I really enjoy it. But not today. Today I just want to eat dinner while sitting on my comfy, red couch.

3. I'm totally miffed that my leftover food from the Olive Garden didn't really taste very good. I should have known better - I never take leftovers home because I don't eat them. But yesterday I was TOTALLY thinking of my sad night at work and thought, "wouldn't it be so nice to have some delicious Olive Garden food to eat while I wait for my class to start?" It wasn't wonderful. It was greasy (not the good kind of greasy) and mostly undesirable. But I ate it anyway. Because that's just the kind of girl that I am.

4. My cubicle is a complete and total disaster area, as evidenced by the following strategically-placed photo:

I moved the chair because it hid some of the mess. And because I needed to stand on it in order to get just the right angle (it's a good thing it's almost 7:30 p.m. now - people would have FREAKED at me standing on said chair!) If you'll look carefully, you'll notice my greasy olive Garden fork atop a Casey's soda glass from who knows when. You'll also notice my makeup bag, brought in because of annoyance number 1. There are some Barnes and Noble bags filled with approximately $800 worth of child-teaching-materials (that part is my job - can't deal with that mess), several hundred photos and quotes (again - not going to change that - I like it!), and some random pieces of paper and rubber bands that were thrown from various other cubicles - you'd think I worked with monkeys (like that commercial)! No monkeys here, just people who like to throw things. So, my cubicle is a mess. And this makes me mad because I don't like it being a mess, but I really don't want to clean it up, either. THAT'S annoying!

5. Ummm - I really wanted to have 5 things on my list... I started telling you something about... Well, never mind. That's why I stopped telling it. I'll just have to have 4 things on my list. Except! This can be the 5th thing! It makes me mad that I can't think of a 5th thing to put on my list!

Sooo... It is now 8:39. My class is over, and people told me that I was "very informative". Thank you VERY much! (Imagine that spoken like Michelle Tanner a.k.a. Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen circa 1991.) It is now time for me to sprout my little wings and fly home. Right after I go to the bathroom, which I will do right before I lock up the building. But - wait! I hear papers rustling! If I leave now, somebody else will have to lock up! Must go! Ta-ta!

What's a Meme?

2007-05-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

OK - Well, I have officially been "tagged" - not really sure how or what, as all of these blogging terms seem to escape my non-technical expanse of understandings - to reply and repost this from Kim, so I figured I'd try it out. Besides that, she called me "quite hilarious", so how can I deny her? I have a feeling that this may be a bit difficult for me - I don't know why, I just do. But, here goes.

Here are the rules. Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about the seven things and the rules. You need to choose seven people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

Here are my 7 things:

1. I have recently been diagnosed with carpal tunnel. This means several things: 1) I am a huge dork. 2) I sleep with these hideously ugly, mostly uncomfortable braces on my hands at night. They leave all these marks on my hands and they don't usually go away until much after I get to work - in fact, there's still a few on there now, at 10:08.

2. I LOVE music. I like to listen to music - mostly anything. Although I'm not a huge fan of rap and I really dislike what I can only describe as "that R&B crap". Pretty much everything else is good for me. And I LOVE to sing along to music. I know a lot of words to songs. In fact, if there's a song I like and can't quite decipher all of the words, I google the lyrics so I know them. (I know - huge dork. But its my thing, and I love it, so don't judge.) I also like to sing at church. I've been singing in front of a microphone at church lately, which is a huge step in self-confidence for me. I have always been the girl who sings in the choir but not solo or in small groups unless I'm in my car. So anywho, I've been singing at church and the old people out there just love me. I guess this one lady went on and on to my mom about how I sound "like a bird! She's just so wonderful!" That makes me feel good. It also makes me laugh at little old ladies in small towns. Too funny.

3. When I was born, my family lived on a hog farm. I thank God that we moved to the "big city" of Fargo North Dakota when I was 3 or 4 and then to Cedar Rapids, Iowa when I was 5. I REALLY don't think I was meant to be a farm girl. I don't enjoy getting dirty and have NO IDEA what I would do if I couldn't be at Target in 10 minutes or less. Seriously. Who lives like that! :-)

4. I'm not a huge fan of dogs. When we lived on the aforementioned farm, we had a black lab named Sparky. I don't really remember Sparky for myself, but I do remember stories. I remember the story of my sister eating Sparky's food, I remember the story of Sparky chewing through the drywall in the basement, and, until 3 or 4 years ago, I thought I remembered Sparky running away and no one being able to catch him. Turns out that wasn't the case at all. My mom took him over to the neighbor's farm and had him shot. Probably something to do with the eating of the drywall, I'm not sure. But I digress... After Sparky, we never had a dog - just 2 cats. When my sister graduated from high school, all she wanted from my parents was a dog. A husky puppy, to be exact. I even remember tears on my sister's part, because they weren't going to get her one. (That's a whole different story!) Needless to say, she got a dog. It ran away (actually, we think someone stole her) and then we - nay, THEY got 2 more husky puppies. They were cute and all, but I'm just not a dog lover. I really had nothing to do with them. And that was OK, because they lived outside and I didn't have to care. But then - oh, then, my parents decided to get an inside dog. They called me one day and said "we have a surprise for you!" I have no idea where this all came from, but I knew I said "Is it a dog?" and I started crying. Yeah - not so proud of it but I. did. not. want. a. dog. I made my mother PROMISE me that it wouldn't get into my bedroom. I made her swear that I would never have to clean up it's excretions. I was not excited. I don't like dogs.

5. I often have a strong desire to tap dance. I don't know how to tap dance. I can "fake" a shuffle-flap, but it's not pretty. I don't know what it is, but sometimes I just say "I wish I knew how to tap dance" and its at that point that I would break out into an impromptu routine, if I knew one. I don't think I'd like to take lessons, though. I'm not very coordinated, and I'm sure I'd make a fool out of myself.

6. I was an RA for 2 years in college, which I'm sure reinforces my dorkiness. I really enjoyed it the first year, which is why I signed on for the second year. I did not enjoy it so much the second year. My first year I had girls on my floor who were so much fun. They were good girls, who broke some rules, but I ignored it most of the time. They were 18 years old, and I didn't think it was my place to make judgement calls for them. I told them that I knew there were things going on that probably weren't supposed to be, but it wasn't anything terrible and I was willing to look the other way. Besides, if they were stupid enough to get caught, then they deserved it. :-) (that makes me sound cold hearted, but they loved me!) The second year, there were things going on that were HORRIBLE. I caught a girl smoking in her 50 year-old dorm room once. Not cool. Also, they complained about everything and I was going through a quarter-life crisis which did not make for fun times. I could not wait to be done. I still, to this day, have RA dreams - not always good.

7. I have recently reconnected with my childhood best friend. We lived 2 house away from each other when we were growing up and were the kind of best friends who were so alike and with one another so much that we hated each other. We were inseparable for 10ish years. But she's a year and a half younger than me, so when middle school and high school hit, we both moved to new houses and we grew apart. When my dad died in August, she was there. She called a lot to see how I was doing and offered everything to me. And in September or October, she found out she was pregnant and I knew before her parents did. And now we talk at least every other day - if not more! I love her so much and am so incredibly glad that she's back in my life.

Sooo, that was hard! And, I don't have anyone to tag. I'm a new blogger and don't have many blogging friends! So, if anyone reads this and decides they'd like to play along, leave me a comment and let me know where to read it!

The Bane of My Existence...

2007-05-09T16:05:00.000-05:00

Dictionary.com (my new favorite website) defines Pet Peeve in the following way:
–noun; a particular and often continual annoyance; personal bugbear: This train service is one of my pet peeves.

When most people think of a pet peeve, they think of bad drivers or people who are stupid, or their boss, or birds, or people who flick their cigarettes out the window, or some other such thing. Kelly's pet peeve is when people call and ask her for a "list of babysitters" (which is why she wants me to inform you all that she is ready to go home right now).

I used to be the same way. My pet peeve used to be semi-trucks. I don't like driving near them, I think the majority of semi drivers are inconsiderate of others on the road, and I just really get annoyed with them. However, there is a new occurrence in my life that has become the bane of my existence. My new pet peeve is this:

This is the hair on the right side of my forehead. It's supposed to be a cute, trendy, side swept bang. HOWEVER, because it is supposed to be MY cute, trendy, side swept bang, it does not work at all. It turns into this the second I walk out of my house in the mornings - sometimes before.

For those of you who don't know me (if you're out there somewhere...), my entire head of hair is totally and completely straight. Has been my entire life. Refer to exhibit B:
You can hardly even see my hair in this photo because it is so straight and flat. Well, not the aforementioned bang-portion of the hair-do. It has decided to do something that annoys me every day of my life.

I know what you're thinking... You're saying to yourself "why doesn't she just straighten that portion of her hair like all of the other girls in this world with curly hair." To this, I say to you, Touche! (which I've just recently learned how to use correctly, but I digress...) I, too had that thought! I have a straightening iron, I will just make sure to use it each and every morning. So, this is what I do: After I wash my hair, I get out my blow dryer and my ceramic round brush. Before I dry any other portion of my hair, I use the round brush to make sure my side-swept bangs are nice and smooth. I calm down the cowlick and smooth out the kink (because it's not even a curl, really - just a kink). Then I dry and style the rest of my hair. Then I use my handy-dandy straightening iron and even further smooth out the bangs. I sometimes use the straightening iron on the rest of my hair, even though it doesn't really need it because I think to myself "who uses a straightening iron only for their bangs?" I continue to get ready with nicely styled hair and a cute, trendy, side swept bang. BUT... It never fails. I get to my car and look at my hair in the rear view mirror, and the kink is back. I spend the rest of my day wishing I had a straightening iron attached to my fingers because I am constantly smoothing the curl/kink and attempting to push it behind my ear.

I sit at a computer for the majority of the day, and my bangs tend to fall in my face. And I can see them. And there it is. I see it. Right there, in all its curliness, mocking me. As if to say "I am the one chunk of curly hair on your head and you hate me and there's NOTHING you can do about it (insert sinister laugh here)!" I HATE it! I am self conscious about it, and it makes me so mad and extremely annoyed.

But what do I do? What CAN I do? This morning (as this post has taken me two days to write) I used a little "gunk" on it, per Kelly's suggestion. It seems to be doing a bit better, but then again it's not quite noon, and I haven't looked in the mirror all morning. So -- we shall see. **UPDATE - I just looked in the mirror. It's not quite as sticky-outy as it usually is, but it's definitely still curly and definitely still annoying.** Does anyone have any suggestions? Please - I'd love them. Because I can't deal with the hair. It's just too too much.

I can say "trailer trash" 'cause I live in a "trailer".

2007-05-01T12:35:00.000-05:00

So, this weekend I was made aware that my once friendly, cozy little neighborhood is quickly turning into the ghetto. That's right, folks. I said it. The ghetto. I know what you're thinking... "Really, Allison? Can it be that bad?" The answer to that question will be plain to see when I tell you this: On Friday afternoon, there was a drive-by shooting in the Hardee's parking lot approximately 3 blocks from my humble abode. Then, later that same evening, there were 7 police cars in the Handi-Mart parking lot (directly across from Hardee's) with a perpetrator face-down on the trunk of his car, while several police officers searched the engine cavity of said car. Who knows what for... We can all use our imaginations.

The following evening, I went to the same Handi-Mart and found myself in the midst of many other happenings. As I pulled in, there was a car with the hood open, which I was not fond of; someone squealed their tires, and I jumped; and there was some sort of alarm going off across the street at Hardee's. It turns out someone was checking their oil (so the hood would need to be up), someone else was being dumb (college kids LOVE to squeal their tires), and Hardee's was getting a food delivery (The delivery man must have accidentally set off the back door alarm). Needless to say, I was a bit on edge. But seriously - you can't tell me you wouldn't be either!

I don't know what the deal is. I have lived in my little mobile home for 3 years now without incident. I have lived in the same place, nearly in the middle of a college campus, and have managed to escape the ridiculousness that is college life (I was NEVER ridiculous in college!). But now, all of the sudden, I am feeling like ghetto-tastic trailer trash!

One of two things needs to happen in order to remedy this situation: 1- People need to stop being stupid so I can feel safe and get off the edge; or 2- I need to move. Although option two would be my choice, I can not afford to move. Therefore, PEOPLE NEED TO STOP BEING STUPID!

That's all I have to say about that.

I think I have a fear that no one will read my blog...

2007-04-26T12:55:00.000-05:00

I've recently been reading some people's blogs, so I thought I'd start one of my own. So, here it is. My first real-live blog. Not just a "pretend" blog on some other site, but a blog with a web address that I created. Pretty exciting. OK - I need to get out more.

Here's what I'm thinking, though. Will anyone read my blog? And how do I get multitudes of random readers? I am going to admit that the blogs that I've been reading lately are people that I don't know. Never met them, don't know anyone who has. I stumbled upon the first one because I was looking for a baby memory book for a friend (which is more of a difficult task than I ever imagined it would be, just bee tee double you) and the author of the blog, her name is Emily, had written about the baby book that she had purchased for her then-unborn child. (This is the book, just in case you were wondering...) So, I read what she had to say about her baby book and thought she was hilarious and adorable and so I continued to read. Two hours later, I felt ridiculous! I mean, seriously, who reads for hours about someone they don't even know and have never even met? But then I felt a bit better, because I was reading some comments people had made, and I got the total impression that MANY of those people didn't know Emily, either. As a matter of fact, there seems to be a name for people like us; I know what you're thinking - stalkers. That's what you're thinking. That's what I thought too, hence me feeling so absurd. But actually, the term is "lurkers" - which only makes me feel slightly less stalker-esque.

But anywho, my point is, will there be random people that read my blog? How do I get people to read it and comment? I want people to read, love me, and comment. This is what I want at this point in my life. Among MANY other things.... But I'm trying to look at short-term, obtainable goals right now. Some of the things that I want at this point in my life are far beyond my control, as far as I can tell. Thus, I have made a list of things that I want and think that I can obtain without too much effort and only slightly more money than I have:

1) Lurkers. I'd like some lurkers who temporarily de-lurk in order to comment on my hopefully somewhat-witty blog entries.

2) New glasses. There are some super cute pink and black ones at the new Vision 4 Less store which will cost a bit over $100, all told. Not that bad for all new glasses, but still a strain on the old non-profit paycheck.

3) New Tennis Shoes. I almost bought some a few months back, but they are such a large investment, and all I could think was that it was soon to be sandal-wearing weather, and I can buy SOOO many more pairs of sandals for the same price. Uuuggghhhh.....

4) Front-Paw De-Claw. For Molly - not for me. She is scratching up my fun, trendy furniture, and that makes me call her naughty. She's not naughty, she's just a cat with claws. I love her, I hate her actions. (I'm practicing for days of being a disapproving parent...) But, again, we're looking in the near $100 range, and I just don't know about that....

5) A new front door. Strange request, I know, but mine is quite ghetto. The screen door doesn't close all the way, and... well, that's enough - I'm hoping for lurkers, but there might also be stalkers, so I won't give out too much information about the disrepair of the one barrier that keeps the boogie man out of my house.

6) A new spring/summer wardrobe. I have so many more fall/winter clothes than I do for the warmer weather. I need new clothes! Perhaps I'll buy a shirt... that's about all I can afford with this paycheck. Maybe not even that. I'm sad now.

7) A new car. Mine is really on the downhill slope. I never thought I'd have to deal with issues like this without my dad or a husband, but I guess life just hands you lemons sometimes and I'm not a huge friend of lemonade...

8) A Real house. I'd like to buy a real house. Not as opposed to a pretend house, but as opposed to my mobile home. It is one step above a trailer (a couple steps, in all probability) and it is Oh So Much Better than living in an apartment, but I'd like to be a real grown-up with a real house. I just think it would be nice.

OK - so, numbers 7 and 8 may cross the line of being in the category of "things I think that I can obtain without too much effort and only slightly more money than I have", but things I want and see in my future more than I see, say, winning the lottery. I think you get the gist... Or do you? Please, comment!